Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

I did a lot of soul searching and journaling this weekend. I started re-reading DR and am really doing the goals section this time. I am trying to refocus and stop my downward spiral. It's like when I found out the EA was actually a PA I forgot everything I learned. I turned into that whiny, pursuing, angry, depressed person I was before.

I also decided that I have to stop thinking about the PA; whether to believe her or not believe her. I kept going back and forth. I would believe then remember something that made me not believe and then remember something that made me believe again. All that energy was totally unproductive and worthless. It doesn't matter either way. I still want to repair our marriage. Maybe someday she will come clean and tell me exactly what happened but maybe not.

I want to do whatever it takes to show her that we can repair our marriage and we can be happy again. I truly want to spend the rest of my life making her happy in the ways that I didn't before. I realized that I don't need to wait until she 'comes back" to me. I can start doing that now. I can do things that will make her life easier. Not totally obvious things but everyday things. I can get the kids ready or get dinner started or do chores that she would normally do. I am trying to think of other things that won't seem overly pursuing or pushy. No gifts or anything but do things that might make her happier. In the past it was always the reverse. She was concerned with my happiness and I took it for granted that she was happy.

I need to get back to emotional detachment and not reacting to her moods. The last few weeks I have engaged her many times when she was snippy or rude. I also need to be careful that things I say are not at all seen as judgmental. This morning I was telling her how our D6 was talking about us fighting and that she would rather that W move out so we would stop. I told W that we need to work more on not fighting or having conflict because it was effecting the kids. I made mistake of joking that there just needs to stop being rumors at school because the last 3 fights were precipitated by her accusing me of starting rumors that she heard. She was pissy all morning after that and in retrospect she took it as I was saying she was the reason we were fighting instead of my intension to just make her aware of D6's feelings.

I am making an appointment with the C for this week hopefully and I hope that her sharing what she is angry about and what makes her so resentful will help. If I show her that I hear her and validate her feelings it could start putting that seed of doubt in her mind. If it starts to go bad or has the opposite effect we can stop going but I really want to give it a chance since she is willing to actually talk this time.

And I need to refocus on GAL and finding things to make me happy on my own.