First of all,
I realize I am making a lot of mistakes. Those of you posting to me are well beyond these times, and YES, I should be too, but there is the part of me that just wants my family together so badly that I make the dumb choices. I am not excusing myself- I just want you to try to understand when you think of how much this hurts when you are in the middle of it. You canot beat me up as badly as I am doing it to myself.

Yes, OT, you are right. Going is just going to give me hope- its going to allow me to hold back onto that thread that I say I so desperately want to detach from. Notice I am still at home. I have not gone. I know that I want answers, but I probably just want the answers that I want. Please understand that I came here to be honest, and also to get input. YES, I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. I know this. Anything I can say to that is just an excuse as to why I can't. So, I won't do that. It is frustrating; I know.

BND- what do I truly want from this man? My most humble and honest answer--- I want him to be someone he is not. I want him to love me. I want him to be the dad that he used to be. I want him to get help for his depression and to heal.

None of those are in my control. And all the words in the world won't make them. I do understand that. Now I just need to keep working on shutting the hell up.

And, hopefully you will help me thru this until I get strong enough to stop needing the input.

Thank you all.