Still, no worries on the backslide, just get back to GAL and 180. You've got this. Tonight and tomorrow are for you. Do something and have fun, get your mind off it (if possible) and have fun, did I mention to have fun?
It was a weird weekend. H’s ex-OW from his EA sent me emails my H once wrote her. He said some really romantic things to her. And he said some not so flattering things about me. I sent her a text that if she ever contacts me again in any capacity, it’s going to get ugly. She said some stupid childish things back to me. And I did not respond. Later on Saturday, H calls me and says “I guess you got what you wanted. She’s never going to speak to me again.” I laughed, and I mean from my stomach and soul, I laughed. I said to him “Actually, you said you were going to take care of things. You were going to make sure she never contacted me again. And guess what? She’s still screwing with me. So I’ve taken care of it.” Silence. I sent him the emails and explained how she’s made him look like a joke. And if she’s sending this to me, who else is she sending it to? More silence. I explained to him how the emails made me feel and more silence. Later he explained that the emails were written at a time “when we were in a different place.” I wanted to ask “What does that mean? Are we now on a road to reconciliation? Is that what you call this? ‘Cause if it is, what’s it going to look like when we fight?” But I didn’t. One thing I can say about me now, I have learned to hold back and not put out as many sarcastic hurtful comments. I’m very happy about that. He said not to worry about any of it because she’s not going to talk to him EVER again and I said, Monday morning you are going to try your best to get back into her good graces and he said no he wasn’t. I pointed out to him “She just broadcasted very personal thoughts of yours. How many times does she have to sell you out, throw you under the bus before you get it? Chase this person if you must, but please please, leave me out of it.” He again said he was done with her and any kind of relationship which he swears for the last couple of months has been just a friendship anyways. And I still have bruises on my butt from the drop off the turnip truck. And now for the miracle: He apologized. I couldn’t believe it. He APOLOGIZED. For everything. Once again, I didn’t ask what that means, but he did apologize. Amazing. I started to say something and he said “W, I have let you lay into me for 40 minutes. I think I’m done now.” And I responded with “You are right, thanks for letting me vent and tell you how I’m feeling.” Silence again. The old me would have said “Tough, shut up and I’m going to keep yelling.” So I’m sure that shocked him. On Saturday night, he called around 9:30 or so, and said he was leaving a going-away party for a co-worker and wanted to know if he could stop by and see S. I said absolutely, he’s still awake. H stopped by and hung out with S a bit. I took a shower. I came out of the shower and noticed, my copy of Divorce Remedy was right next to my bed. It had a bottle of tea on top of it, but I am pretty sure H saw it. If he didn’t he was very attentive to S or just completely oblivious. I have to believe he saw it. Oh well. When we was leaving on a Saturday, he gave me a hug. Sunday morning, he bought us breakfast and went to play in a golf tournament, that he ended up winning. Sunday afternoon, I check my email and see that his mother emailed me. Basically it said we don’t want to get involved but we are worried about all of you, especially our grandson. She said we needed to figure it out. More over she said that we haven’t been happy in a long time, we gave it our best but it’s time to move on with our lives. So basically, divorce each other. Sunday night, he came over for dinner. I sort of ignored him a bit, but wasn’t mean. I showed him the email from his mother and he had no idea she was going to send that. He thought she was sending me information related to our burglary and bills, etc. He said “Don’t be mad.” I told him I wasn’t and was actually surprised it’s taken his parents this long to say anything. Later his mother calls me. He’s sitting on a couch, I’m sitting on a chair and he can hear my whole conversation with his mother. I told her that she was right and that I appreciate her caring about us. I know she loves us all and I mention that H and I aren’t playing “head games” with each other as much as his little ex-OW is because she’s a child and doesn’t know any better. He said that his parent knew all about ex-OW. Turns out, they don’t. His mother has heard the ex-OW’s name but not much else. Just thought she was a co-worker he liked to talk to. Hmmmmmm. Later on, we are washing S in the Jacuzzi bath tub, which is a treat for him. S was having a ball. H grabs me and gives me a HUGE hug and asks if I would meet him at home so we could talk. I said maybe. I had a couple of drinks yesterday. I haven’t had a drink in months, just not my think really, never has been. But I wanted to relax and let my brain go. I was completely sober, because it took me hours to drink two drinks, but I was tired. And not just physically, I was tired tired. Inside and out. But my girlfriend/roommate said I needed to go. “How often do men want to “talk”?” Good point. I went. I get there and he is ironing, which cracks me up. He says “Where’s S?” I left him at my place, and H says Oh. So now I get the impression that he may have meant/wanted us to stay at home…..but I never thought of that because I just wasn’t in the mood for that. So I’m there. And he doesn’t start “talking.” We are watching trash/reality tv and laughing at the stupidity of it all. Eventually he double checks that I’m not angry about his mother’s email. I let him know I really wasn’t. I didn’t even ask if he was upset with me letting the cat out of the bag to his parents about ex-OW. But he never does initiate any real “talking” beyond that and neither did I. I left around 9:00 or so and I know he was surprised I didn’t bring anything up. He said he wanted to talk, he didn’t and neither did I. While I was there he was affectionate, but not overtly and not in a sexual way either. It was quite nice actually. Haven’t heard from him today. Not worried about it either. Not sure what to think anymore. I wanted to ask him if he agreed with his parent’s email, but left it alone. I thought it was a good sign he hadn’t known about it. If he knew about it, I would assume he absolutely wants a divorce.
Any advice suggestions? Not sure what to think or do anymore. I think I'm going to do NOTHING.
I think, and this is not much of a leap, that you should put down detaching as a worthwhile endeavor.
He doesn't want to leave. He wants change. He wants you to change. He's not yet figured out how he has to change or that he also needs to change.
Think about it. Why apologize about MIL or ex-OW? He did NOT have to do those things. He did NOT have to spend time with you.
He likely did want to talk. He likely doesn't know how to start that conversation - that's good. Means he cares IMHO. You need to let him be the one that starts *that* conversation - can't be you if you're going to get things working.
The ex-OW? Let it go. I know she keeps doing things to you. Be his best friend. You've been his wife and lover. Now be his best friend again. Treat her like she's just another one of his friends. I actually believe him when he says it's over. He hasn't stayed away and that hurts you. It's just not time to deal with that yet. You'll need to wait for that opportunity, but if your sit is anything similar to me, a) he doesn't care for her and b) it'll blow itself out if you leave it alone. Don't listen to your GF's on this one. They are out for your best intersts and don't see the whole picture. They want your pain to stop even if it means your marriage ends.
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And now for the miracle: He apologized. I couldn’t believe it. He APOLOGIZED. For everything. Once again, I didn’t ask what that means, but he did apologize. Amazing.
Good God. Do you realize how many people on this board would kill their mothers to hear those words? Do you realize what a HUGE step that is for him??? If not, go back and re-read it. Don't discount that in the slightest. It's HUGE and shows he really does care even if he hasn't mended the other areas of your relationship.
What do I think? I think that he is waiting to see if your changes are permanent before trying really hard to date you again. I do NOT think he's dating anyone else (from what you mention) nor does he want to. I think he wants you - or the you that he fell in love with at any rate. Take this time to get that you back. You'll be glad for your own sake, 'cuase I doubt seriously you grew up wishing you'd henpeck your future prince charming to death, now did you?
"You got his attention" - what do I mean by that? I mean that you got his attention. Not by backsliding. You got his attention by changing you. Not calling him all the time. Not being easily available all the time. Not stomping on him when he apologized. Not stomping on him like you used to and having to get the last word. By talking to his mother like a human being and not going nuts about her horrible son. Good show! You did very well and the initial results show it.
Keep in mind this is a roller-coaster ride. He won't come rushing back. Well he might, but he'll run again right after if he's still afraid of the old you.
Hug him with open arms. Work on you to be the you that you would want to date. That you want to be. You are an awesome woman - be that person. Don't think that his heart was in the ex-ow. It wasn't. He got attention and that's about it if I had to guess. I'm guessing he hates himself for it, but justifies it in his head that it was your fault. Don't argue that. It's not worth it. Nobody's blameless even though he made the choice. At some point, he may tell you more. He already apologized which is HUGE. Did I mention that before? I can't seem to say it enough.
Be confident and be the change you want to see. You are doing well but its important to work on you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, it seems like maybe it wasn't entirely a bad weekend. I would say it seems like he's sending you some signals that he wants change. That's a good thing, I think. However, you're right to take your time and think about it. I know everyone is different, but the problem with my W and I is that as soon as we would decide to make things work it was like "Mission Accomplished" and we'd just fall back into the same habits that caused the marriage to break down in the first place.
I will caution you on dealing with his mother, particularly through email. As his ex-OW proved anything that goes into email can linger on longer than the feelings that inspired them. Also, you have to remember, no matter how much they care you, his family will most likely view things in his favor. So if she was telling you to get a D it's only because she believes that it is what he wants. However, just because she thinks that does not mean that it really is what he wants. People tend to say things in the heat of the moment or to manipulate the emotions of others, not realizing that people you say those things to aren't always able to know your true feelings. The fact that he seems to waver so much would lead me to believe that he doesn't really know what he wants either.
Keep focusing on the positives and don't let the negatives weigh you down.
I hope so. The emails that were sent to me made me want to puke. And I did not respond to my MIL via email. I did send her a text that said thank you for the love and support. Everything is going to be OK and you know S is the priority, always. She called me and we spoke. I was very very respectful and let her in on a few things but not really. I just wanted her to know I'm not just some woman "gone crazy". I wanted her to know there were issues on his side too. I think she knows. But yes, always be careful what you write. That's why I think we are nameless here, so we can be more honest and candid and therefore get better advice and support. How are you doing?
Hi AJ, I just felt like these emails were written by someone in love, or really in pursuit of someone. It hurt. I won't lie. But I do have to let it all go. I changed email addresses to avoid that crap. I don't want to fight with him. When I was laying into him and he was taking it like a man, I must admit, I asked if he came back and we started to ML again was only because ex-OW cut him off. He said no. I wanted to come back and see what was still there. That was good. Then we got into another fight today, because of ANOTHER email. Hence, the new email address and old one is now dead as road kill. We'll see. I just need to detach now for my SANITY. I can't deal with these crazy people and their child-like behavior. But that's unfair to children to say that. I don't recall being that nutty ever. Aj you are right. I need to treat him like a friend. I need to forget that stupid girl and move one with my life. I hope he comes with me.....or so I think. There have been more moments this weekend than ever before where I thought "Screw it. I can do better than this crap and this treatment." But I do need to be more grateful for the apology. That was huge, you're right. I will acknowledge that to him. Today when we were fighting again, he said "This marriage can't be saved." Oddly enough, I wanted to laugh and tell him to blow it out his pie hole. Today, it didn't bug me to hear it. I was just "Whatever." I didn't say that, I just ignored it. I am not going to bother with this. I am going to be the person I would want to date...if I was into that kind of thing. Just kidding, you know what I mean. Yes, I'm going to be the fabulous woman I know that I am. Thank God for you and my girlfriend/roommate AJ. I really don't look that good in pinstripes or straight jackets. Alright, detach. No more ex-OW. No more arguements. Fun, tennis, exercising, yoga-doing, friend-hanging-out-with, wonderful-mommy-of-the-year me ONLY. Super Me! I wish I could call you!
I understand completely how you feel about the mails. I found a running dialog that my W wrote to OM. She says she never gave it to him, but I highly doubt it. The dialog was in journal style, with entries once every couple of days for more than a month and were glowing "I Love You You Are So Wonderful and So Perfect and We Would Be So Great Together if Only it Weren't For My Husband..." type of letters. On new years day she even wrote out a series of new years resolutions that included not spending another new years without him (ie D for my by years end) and happily raising her kids (ie my sons) together with him because he would be such a perfect father for them (and what am I--ouch).
Anyway, I only write that to let you know that this type of glowing "you are so perfect" letter seems to be pretty common. When I read it it hurt so much I couldn't talk about it - even when my W tried to apologize. After a while, the pain goes away and you realize that the letters were just deluded fantasy gone amuck and that they really don't reflect on you and you sort of get over them. You don't forget them by any means, but the pain lessons.
I am sorry you had to read them - and especially sorry that you had to get them shoved in your face by a looney OW.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
