Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Thank you Greek. I appreciate those words of encouragement to stay the course.

It can be tough sometimes, but I'm finding that I really do like me. I am rediscovering me and her, and I like us both.

I do think that what you describe is really the largest part of what's going on right now. - In her mind, she's asking "Should I gamble and come back? Will he listen? Will it be different? If so, how much do I have to put into this? Do I have the ability to work on this? Can I be happy with him (again)? Have I hurt him too much? Has he hurt me too much? Have I changed too much? (she brings up the bit about she's changed a lot; she has but as I mentioned to her, she did change. She had to. But the wife I knew is still in there too.)"

I'm trying really hard to figure out how to build trust. It's harder than I thought it would be especially since she reduces our conversation time but mostly because I think I got my confidence shattered. I'm learning to regain that confidence and look beyond my own immediate needs to see what I can do for her. What is it she needs? I ask myself, "What is it that I'm doing to support her and be her friend and trusted ally? What am I doing to look beyond what I want and include what she wants and needs."

I don't know that I've really done that prior to now. I did some but not to my best ability; certainly not successfully. I did when I realized she was starting to heal from the crisis. But only for a little while and not consistently. I'm seeing that now. I'm seeing that I was wrapped into what I needed too much to see that she really is trying very hard but it comes across to me as weak and ineffectual when I want for me. Must be frustrating to her - It is to me

It's hard to fathom that I'm not as important as what she's doing. It's hard to fathom that she believed I had walked away. But it's how she feels and its necessary to regain that trust (let's face it, we need to regain trust every day, but this is a bit more pronounced.)

I don't yet know what she needs in our relationship and I think that's because she doesn't either. But I do know she needs to trust me if we're going to have a chance. I firmly believe she wants us to have a chance. That requires that I not be timid or reactionary to her mood swings. She told me about her mood swings - "I want to run up and grab you one minute and ten minutes later, I want to leave the house and the marriage" Almost like she can't help herself when she says those things. Like the fear is so deep that she has to say that to be pre-emptive in keeping her from being hurt by me or herself.

It saddens me to see her like this. I realize the crisis interrupted our natural rhythm of our marriage (we started to address the distance last summer - not enough soon enough). I do. I realize that her schedule makes it even harder to do ANYTHING let alone work on a relationship with her spouse or her family. I realize that. I also realize that I am the one that needs to put the effort into figuring out how we can trust each other again and that I am the one that has to lead from behind.

Not sure if she'll come back to the relationship, but I am sure that if I don't gain her trust again, we won't have a chance.

Suggestions are appreciated.

For now, I'm thinking that being consistent (check), kind (check), available (check), communicative (hold), and confident (hold) are the things to work on.

Communicative - I haven't been very becuase I've been holding my feelings back so they won't get trampled and because I've been too scared (?) to show her my feelings. I think it's time I become more communicative and damn the torpedos.

Confident - my confidence has been shot. Working on me has helped to rebuild but the more I see, the more I realize I need my confidence back more than ever. Survival of our marriage depends on it.

Patient - yes. Very much so. Getting better with each day.

Jealous of her time? I am, but much less than I had been. Scared of what that will do to us? Less and less as each day goes by.

And so I remain humbly yours,

AJ