Since I told her that i refused to move out or be kicked out she decided that she agreed.
The thing is though that she now wants a devorce based on my decision to stay in the house. She said that she either wants us to separate or if i will stay in the house she wants us to divorce. In addition, she says that after I said that I refused to send the message to my sons that I am the type of man to walk out on his family she agreed that our sons need me. Dam right they do!
So the only way she can reconsile the fact that i will be in the house with the fact that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with me is for us to divirce. This makes no sense tome, but whatever I am still here in the house with my sons.
So here is where I messed up a bit, I asked her if she was totally sure that our relationship was over and she said not completely,but that's how she feels. She went on to say that when she initially dropped the bomb she was totally sure she wanted a divorce, even though she said she just wanted to separate at the time. Now that she can see that i have had an awakening and sees the changes i have made she is 98% sure.
That still sounds like she is over it to me.
So I told her that given the fact that she is done with our relationship I will be looking out for what's best for me. I told her that what is best for my sons is best for me. She said that sounds as though i am being high and mighty and implying that our sons are not in her best interest. I told her that if she were to ask anyone if when a father says that same statement they would respect it, I also said that you as their mother should be happy that is my priority. She said I a just trying to be high and mighty and make her feel bad. I said i have no control over her feelings only she is.
She asked me so what does that mean for her and I, I said that I don't know and like her I can't predict the future. I then told her my "awakening" has caused me to re-evaluate our relaionship and the changes she is going through, and given her changes she is more than welcome to come and tell me that she would like to try and re-establish a realionship with me, but i can't or won't guarantee I will still want to.
W.O.M.,
In my opinion, you need to get back to this mindset. You're way too pursuing and placating now.
Well another F for the day for me. I don't know how it keeps happening, I keep screwing up.
So this morning I got up real early, couldn't sleep again, took a shower and made breakfast for the two young men. An hour or so later the wife got up and asked what my plan was for the day. Now I had told her at least twice already that I would be going to her buisness to do some handyman work. I would be gone for the day. She replied with her usual odness, as she doesn't know how to talk to me in a normal straight forward way, and asked if I would be gone all day. I said yes. She responds with were are you going. In my head I'm thinking, come on really I already told you I am going to your buisness to help YOU OUT. So I respond with, I already told you. My bad response! She then repeats something she has said to me before, "I tell you when and where I am going and when I will be back." But the thing is she doesn't, she bought tickets to see bands without telling me and invited matt without telling me. So I said that to her. MY BAD AGAIN!
She leaves the room and then goes to our room. I follow. AGAIN MY BAD! I tell her I don't want to get into another go no where I back and forth. She responds with, "I can see you still just need to know what the boundries are." She then says that its like us sharing the same bed and then proceeds in telling me that all along she has just wanted me in the house, but i am still here. So now she would like me to not sleep in the bed anymore.
I respond with a somewhat negative tone, this is my bed, I am six feet four and why should i be the one to go sleep on the floor and you sleep in my big bed. She gets pissed off by this.
she then says, see this is what I mean, you are still here in the house and forcing your control on me. This is why she wants me out and this is why she is so sure she wants a divorce.
She leaves the room and then goes to our room. I follow. AGAIN MY BAD! I tell her I don't want to get into another go no where I back and forth.
Then why the $&%# are you following her into the bedroom???!
W.O.M., she is button-pushing, pure and simple. She is nothing if not PREDICTABLE right now, and no one knows her better than YOU do. You need to do a better job of predicting what her words and actions are going to be, and practice ahead of time what you're going to do to NOT be reactive to them.
The words "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I understand, you have to do what you feel you need to do" need to be your best friends right now.
i didn't get to finish the story, she came in when I was writing, so I had to make a quick escape, LOL!
Well, she went onto say that I just need to come to terms with the fact that we WILL BE GETTING A DIVORCE AND I NEE TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT.
I told her that's exactly what I am doing and that;s why I don't feel that I should be the one to get out of the bed, she cango to the other room to sleep on the floor if she would like to.
Here us where she had here best point though, she told me that when she tells me she doesn't want to discuss whatever we are talking about anymore I don't let it go or let her go have some space.
I fully agree, this has been my biggest weak point.
She's telling you what she needs and what bothers her about you.
1. You controlling her - It doesn't matter whether you think you are or aren't. It's what she thinks you are doing and nothing you are going to say is going to change that. As a matter of fact, if you try to convince her that you are not controlling her then you are just proving her right - trying to get her (control) to change to your point of view. DETACH.
2. She needs space - give it to her. Find out how to do that.
3. "she told me that when she tells me she doesn't want to discuss whatever we are talking about anymore I don't let it go or let her go have some space. " - stop talking about the R and the M. This is the subject she doesn't want to talk about anymore. I did the same thing early on my sitch and it's what my W remembers the most - it's the ammo she's using to get separated.
This is all script. You could have been writing my situation here. Don't believe anything she says and only half of what you see. When she gets pissed off at you she will dig her heals in and lock onto getting a D. Your behavior is showing her that you are the same you - the one she wanted to leave. It's just proving her right. You need to stop it now.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Ok people once again thank you and I hear what you are saying.
So yesterday in addition to everything else she told me a couple of new things.
1. She was going to start looking into what the divorce process is all about, most likely will talk to a lawyer.
2. She said that the way she would like things to be is that she and the boys move into a smaller house and I move into a studio apt. She said then we can co-parent the boys. Meaning she would like it if the boys would not have to be shuffled back and forth between my studio and the house. She went on to say that means a few days a week I would say in the studio and a few days a week she would stay in the studio.-------> is this a good thing?
She elaborated on where she stands at this point.--> she said that as time goes on she is more and more convinced that the only way she can truly take care of herself is if we divorce, separation is no longer an option. She says that she needs to process the past about the hurt I caused her and why she would let it happen. the only way she feels that she can truly do this is if we are divorced because otherwise there is to much ambiguity.
She elaborated on where she stands at this point.--> she said that as time goes on she is more and more convinced that the only way she can truly take care of herself is if we divorce, separation is no longer an option. She says that she needs to process the past about the hurt I caused her and why she would let it happen. the only way she feels that she can truly do this is if we are divorced because otherwise there is to much ambiguity.
Oh puleeze -- gag me.
Sorry, couldn't resist. But that's just so immature and selfish (and yet so utterly SCRIPT).
Thanks once again puppy, you can always make me laugh!
But is it a good thing that arrangement she described? Seems like i would get a lot of time with the kids and they wouldn't be shuffled around like my brother and I were when we were kids in this type of sitch.
