Chi, Puppy Dog Tails can help you with "responses" to your wife better than anyone I know. Mostly, you tell her that you are not ready to make that move yet(re: divorce, lawyer, etc.). You don't get into a R talk. Avoid it as much as you can. You don't "have" to say something just b/c she asks you a question. I know, it sounds rude, but believe me.....I have lived with a man for many years that did not have to answer my questions or make any replies at all, so she won't die.....it may make her angry, but she won't drop dead without a response if you don't know what to say. Put off everything and keep both of you in the same house as long as you can. Do nothing to enable her moving out. That means not helping her look for a place to stay or helping her pack or helping her move and get set up. Do none of that. Some men think it is being very inconsiderate and do it anyway, but if you are against her moving out, why help her? If she insists and goes on and moves out anyway, then she needs to realize that she doesn't have you there as her handyman to move the heavy stuff or to fix her light switches or plumbing in her new place. There is a time to be friend-ly and a time for tough love.
I do want to warn you that even if the A ends, her feelings will have to go through "stages"......even grief, which will be hard for you to see her go through and to deal with it on a personal level. But, it is really the chemicals that she is withdrawing from......not real love, so realize that this is not going to be something that is going to take a few weeks and she will be over it. She is NOT going to snap out of it! So many men ask that question......"when will she snap out of it?" She won't. It takes a lot of time....even if she stays, it takes a lot of time.
There have been very few things that have "shocked" anyone out of it. The principle of "Dropping the Rope" that Michelle talks about in her book probably works better at shocking anyone into realizing what they are losing, than anything I have read about. But, if you go that route.....you better be darn sure that you are prepared to follow through with a D or whatever she may decide to do. This is a route you take for your life....not a gimmick to get her back.
She will be on an emotional roller coaster and she will pull you into the ride also unless you stay focused on yourself and get your attention off of her. Otherwise, you will worry about every thing she does or doesn't do, and you will obsess over every word she says and every look she has. Her every mood will decide your day for you. Your life will be centered and based upon what mood she is in or what she wants or does or says. Don't allow that to happen or you will become a slave to that situation. Decide what you want for yourself and then go about your life enjoying it in spite of what she does or says or doesn't. That will have more of an impact on her than anything.
Most LBS are afraid to pull back or lovingly detach from their spouse b/c they are afraid of "losing" them. But I can tell you as a AWAW that she does not want you up close and personal! She wants away from you and she wants space......and lots of it. The more you make yourself unavailable and attractive and interesting......the better for her to realize what she has and will want you again. Learn how to act sexy again instead of acting like a "married man". If you don't know what I mean by that, then think of what you were like with her before you M her. I am not talking about acting like you are not M around other women......I mean around your wife. All of us seem to change after M. We let down and start taking one another for granted and just don't try as hard. Well, start working on getting back what you use to be before you M. You do that without chasing and pursuing her. Play a little hard to get and don't act so "interested" in her activities or being around her as much. But, when you are near by, act as if you are the most fun person in the world to be with. You may not "feel" like it, but you can pretend that you are enjoying the heck out of whatever you are involved in at the moment. Just don't over-kill b/c women are very perceptive and can spot a "fake" a mile away......especially if it is their H.
Talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
