Rebuilding Trust

[Coach]

I initially posted this in newcomers but my W thought it would be more useful here.
Just read this and it is a great cross-over idea for restoring marriages. This is from the site: theinfluencerbook.com


Quote:
Ideas about trust and restoring trust
Have you ever had to re-earn someone’s trust? Maybe you’re an employee who did an end run around your boss; or a spouse who had an affair; or a teenager who’s been arrested for shoplifting. How do you go about rebuilding trust?

In these examples, a specific kind of trust has been violated. That trust is Mutual Purpose and it is the belief that you are looking out for me, that you want what I want, and that you don't put your own interests in front of mine. When others believe you have violated Mutual Purpose, it can destroy your entire relationship.

So, how can you begin rebuilding trust? I will draw on chapter 3 in our book Influencer, "Change the Way You Change Minds."

Wouldn't it be nice if we could restore trust by apologizing and explaining our point of view? Though apologies can work if the breakdown in trust is based on a misunderstanding, in most cases, words won't be enough.

Verbal persuasion only works when the following three conditions are met:
1. Others believe we have their interests at heart (Mutual Purpose)
2. They believe we are the experts on the topic (Mutual Respect)
3. They want advice.

Notice the logical problem: We can't use verbal persuasion to re-establish Mutual Purpose if we've done something to lose that Mutual Purpose. This is why talk is so spectacularly ineffective when trying to restore trust.

Personal experience is the most powerful way to change beliefs. To rebuild trust, we need to create personal experiences that demonstrate Mutual Purpose. Often, people hope that a consistent track record of "being trustworthy" will be enough, but it's usually too little, too late. It turns out that trust is far more influenced by behavior in crucial moments than by behavior in general.

There is a saying that, "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste." When you are in a crisis—when you must fight and sacrifice—you are in a defining moment. You have a chance to show your character and what you value. We need these defining opportunities—times when we can demonstrate that we put the other person first.

Ask, ";What is it others think I value more than them?" and then sacrifice it for them. Sometimes we sacrifice our egos by apologizing and admitting we were wrong. Other times we sacrifice material resources—giving back our bonus or donating to charity—to show we value the relationship more. This strategy only works when the sacrifice is real, when we truly lose something we value and the other person truly gains.

Regaining trust shouldn't be easy, and it's not. But it's possible.


Fighting for your M is a defining moment in your life. It does matter how you do it, that defines success in my book.
Cheers
Coach