Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Update:
MC session was interesting. It was time to pick on me day. Some great feedback and more things I did not know she thought. She essentially feels like I wasn't listening to her and that I was trying to be controlling. I let her know that I was not trying to be controlling but was looking for that common ground. She didn't take it that way, but I am not a puppet on a string. MC made it a point to let me know a) that her efforts show great committment to make this work, b) she was doing all she could given her burden and c) I should be quiet and not defend.

Ok. It was hard to not defend. Even now I'm struggling with it.

When we got home, W wanted to discuss R with me. <sigh> She was telling me that some days she wants to run over and put her arms around me while at other times she wants to leave the house and relationship. She made it a point to tell me that "if we're still together in the summer..." and stuff like that. I reminded her that I am madly in love with her and have been since the day we met. She told me that sometimes she isn't sure how to come back. I asked if I could help with that. She said no.

I sensed that she wants to come back, but isn't quite sure of that or if I want her to come back. Or if I do want her to come back, will things go back to the way they were. I can say an emphatic no to that last

I told her that what was happening had been a breakdown in communication. Recognizing that last year, we were taking steps to work on that and better understand how to make our R work when the nephew killed himself.

I think that the friends that were/are flirting with her and her being around 20-something year olds is not helping her boost her self-esteem. She thinks that the marriage problems are weighing her down. She seems to have an inkling that her version of things don't add up, similar to how I don't see things the same way and don't have all the answers. Still very offensive when she gets a chance, but when she was relating this, I walked over to her, helped her up and gave her a big passionate kiss. She kissed back for a while and then pulled back. At the end of the conversation she let me know that people tell her what a great catch she is and that I have to go make dinner. I suggested she should ask me to make dinner. She didn't want to back down on that, so we joked about it a bit. (power struggle really) but she did say she would ask for one thing - another kiss. That was a long lasting kiss.

Anyway, lots of mixed messages, but she has been noticibly trying to be present ane at least civil. She's obviously dealing with stress (jumped all over my kids yesterday). She snapped at me for part of the dinner time. I just smiled and left the room. She eventually calmed down a bit and tried to stay up and watch television with me for a while until the kids went to bed and she got a phone call. She then came back out and said goodnight.

Saturday night she was very stand-offish. Snappy. Didn't want to hardly talk to me. She did, but not a lot. I think she's trying to figure out if she can handle the conversation/contact.

I see this as progress, but way away from being out of the woods. I think she still needs to figure out what she wants and if she's able to love herself let alone somebody else. Me included.

Not much contact this week expected. I'll be hanging out with the kids tonight through the weekend mostly. We go away on Sunday. She said it took her a week from asking if I'll go to talking to me about it. Not sure what she's nervous about, but I think it's partly the fear that things won't work out, as much as the fear that things might work out. I think she may also be nervous about how I am feeling about how she's been treating me. I suspect that because she brought it up in MC - she said that no matter how much of a monster she's been to me in the past six months, she lived with me for years like that. Hmm... I think she's starting to come back and wants to say, "look, you treated me badly first, so now we're even." I may be reading into it.

Anyway, we'll see. I'm definitely DA vs. Cold. I can feel too much. She awakened some feelings I hadn't felt in a while and it's taken me a few days to get my sea legs back.

The 0300 monster? 0230 this morning, but we're getting to be much friendlier. I have been working out and it helps. Both physically and emotionally as well as ego-wise. People have been complimenting me on the new me. No yoga classes for me though - that could be trouble...

We'll see what happens. We go away on Sunday and come back Monday. On Tuesday we see the MC again. I'm along for the ride for a while.



AJ