WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

Well I scheduled my third session with my coach today. It's the last one I had paid for already (I only bought 3).

I'm disappointed as clearly she is moving out, but I knew this day would come. I was hoping that my changes would come fast enough and be strong enough from getting to this point. Not just for me, but to prevent our kids from ever being impacted.

The odd part of it was this morning started out as every other morning. We did wind up hugging good morning and she leaned her check in for a kiss. We did hug good bye. We laughed and joked around as in every other morning. She mentioned that her mom can pick up our oldest from school on her way her to watch them so we can go to counseling.

Very un-nerving and confusing as she seems so ready to go out the door as well.

I know I can't control what she does, behaves or thinks. I can only influence it by controlling what I do, behave and think. There is just so much conflict in what she does. The most confusing part of it is to me is that, aside from the sex/physical, she is acting exactly the way she has always been through out our marriage.

I know my primary love language is physical, but it wasn't the sex that made me feel loved. Sex was actually one of our issues, as my depression had made me un-interested, so we would only be intimate ever 2-3 months. Ironically, she has said we have had more sex in the last 3 weeks (twice), than we had in the 4 months prior to the divorce bomb. What was odd is that I would get a different feeling from her when we were intimate prior to the divorce bomb, now it feels like just sex.

Since she's snapped me out of it with her divorce, all I can do is think about being intimate with her. Not just sex, but just to hold her. She in the past would always just touch my arm, shoulder, leg as her way to show me she loved me. That filled my heart but I never realized that I was letting her's run empty. I've been trying to fill hers again, even as mine is running empty (it's been filled by my sons, but it's not the same). Unfortunately, her's is closed to being filled by me.

I've limited/stopped a lot of the physical touches as she said they made her feel uncomfortable. Now I just give her hugs and check kiss when I am coming/going from the house. She keeps bringing up that she can't see it working as she still sees me as the person who negelcted her over the years and made her feel unimportant, unloved and emotionally abandoned.

She says she sees the changes and is proud that I've made them, but I do sense that she doesn't believe them. Perhaps she doesn't want to believe them. Who knows....

I need to remind myself that these changes are for me and the people who want to be around me. If that's not her, it will be her decision.

I still feel what I said to her last Friday morning was right, that I really do love her and believe the marriage can work. I also love her so much that I want her to feel free and I'm not going to stop her.

I used to beat myself up almost constantly everyday for not getting it earlier. Now I do it for a brief period about once/week - that's usually when I journal it on this forum

I'm sure my coach will be my cheerleader to pick me up. I was going to save this last session for the day after she moves out, but was feeling really disappointed today.

I guess it's part of the wild swings I must expect now that I've decided that I will allow myself to enjoy life (my depression was my way of controlling the down feelings, I would not enjoy life to limit the wild swings).

I had a great weekend with my boys up with my closest friend and his family up in CT. I will always have those positive/fun memories. I also know there will be more. I had hoped that my wife will be in those memories as well. I know that's her decision whether she will be there or not. I know I will be there for my boys.

I know one of the things that also hurt this weekend as she spent Sat nite with her friend and husband who are very happily married (HS sweethearts) and have a enjoy life attitude and let someone else worry about tomorrow. Her girlfriends is the one who she had vented with 2 years ago and had asked her what she would do if we didn't have kids. She had said leave. I know she's enabling my wife by saying you need to do what makes you happy. I'm not sure if she really understands what's she is doing. I'm tempted to talk to her girlfriend but I'm sure that will not be a good thing to do. I'm so confused and I'm hurting.

I feel like I've failed my kids...

I'm trying to have a good day but it is hard today.