Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[Thinker]

Quick Reply to Sandi Re "The Toilet Seat Issue"...

I agree with you - from my point of view up or down it is a non-issue. When my W first complained about it, my response was similar to what you expressed - she could put it down as easily as I could put it up, so get over it....HOWEVER...

I can see that in my W's mind issue is as follows:

- It bothers her
- She has told me that it bothers her, and asked me to put it down (then complained, then nagged, etc.)
- Since I know she wants it down, and don't do it, then I must not respect her
- Since I therefore don't respect her, the R is therefore flawed and bad.

This trivial banality has thus become a symbol for her of the whole R. She sees it and stews over it. As I said, I really wish we would focus on something that matters or is a real problem in the -- but there we are. She has chosen a battlefield. The old me would have fought back, told her she was being ridiculous, and thereby validated her belief that I don't respect her. The new me is trying something different.

to use "the four agreements", I just need to...
"Be impeccable with my word" (don't fight about it - either with her or with me),
"Don't take it personally" (realize that her criticism is based on her view, not my faults),
"Don't make assumptions" (Don't make it a bigger deal than it is, don't try to interpret her moods), and
"Do my best" (make a good, reasonable attempt to do what she wants since there is no reason not to - and be happy with that)