To get a little further into the story...I was engaged and two months from my wedding day. Right before Valentines Day my father had a stroke while driving and crashed. Truth be told, he's an amazing man, I've always thought that and he proved it by surviving. He even under went physical therapy to walk me down the aisle and to dance with me. We did have to postpone the wedding, but he was there. When that was going on, there was nothing ANYONE could say to me to console me or make things better. The only thing that was going to make me happy was my father surviving, and he did. But sometimes you just can't help and the best you can do is just let your loved one know you are there, if they need you. You did the right thing. She's still your mother in law and she has nothing to do with you and your wife's sitch. (Or at least I don't think she does.) So if you want to do something nice for her, I think not only is that in line, it's just plain nice. You did the right thing. 100% for you.
My W's father passed away 4 years ago and I really think that was the beginning of our downhill slide. She never really talked (just cried for more than a year)and I never really understood what she was going through, and our R never really recovered.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It's hard. We're supposed to bury our parents. That's how it was meant to be, that is the right way. But I hate the idea my parents are getting older. I hate when I go home and thing "Crap. You're getting older." I still see them as the people who just sat there and smiled on Christmas morning while we went nutz or the people cheering while I ran the bases like a maniac but still thought to see if they were watching me. And they were, cheering like maniacs. I don't know what you could have done back then. We not all shrinks....but I have learned a lot more the human mind since this all started for me....but still, not a shrink. Maybe you send her an email or a text and just say..."There are no words for what you are going through. I know I may not have been the best support for you in the past, but no matter what has happened between us or will in the future, I would like to be here for you now. What can I do? You just tell me and consider it done....even if it's 'shut up, stay out of it and leave me alone' I can do that too and without hurt feelings. You know where to find me." Or something like that and then it's all on her to reach out.
Hi Thinker, sorry I've been out of touch lately. Scanned over your recent post trying to catch up.
Quote:
So I got that look from my W tonight. The look that I haven't seen in a while. The look that says "I am miserable, I hate what is going on in my life, I blame you for all of it, and I am not going to talk about".
I have learned to fear that look.
I understand what you mean by fearing that look. I really think you meant that you "dread" it b/c if she ever knew you "feared" that look then she would use it as her power over you to control. In fact, she probably does. It seems to me that is exactly what she wants.....complete control in her life, in her M, in everything. She has learned that she has no control over death and that it can take the people she loves and she never learned how to deal with that. Now, she may have to go through with it again before she is ready.....and in fact, she is in a less stable condition than when her father died.
Remember that when you are pulling back or "detaching" that it is always in a loving was (as much as possible, anyway) and never act cold or rude to her. However, I think you must be very firm with her b/c she is acting way too childish about things and when a woman acts childish, then she has to be dealt with as if she is a child. I feel like I am going agains my own gender saying this! I remember that was the number one thing that I always hated was if my H began to talk to me as if he were my father instead of my H. I always called attention to it by reminding him that he was NOT my parent. But, what I meant by dealing with her childish ways and being firm with her.....is not to actually talk or treat her like you are her father b/c that will only cause more of her wrath, but be stronger than her and show her your strength of steel but talk softly to her as if you are using all the patient in the world. For an example....the toilet seat. This has always amused me b/c I don't see the big deal women make out of it. The men have to raise it up, so what if we have to put it back down? Anyway, I have know several women who make a very big issue out of it, and it looks like your wife is going to be one of them.
The next time she crawls your case about it, just look at her very stern (but not mean) and say in a very soft, low, firm voice that you try to remember to put the seat back down, but there are times that you do forget and you do not intend to start keeping a scoreboard by the toilet as to when you are a good boy and when you aren't. Tell her there are more males in the house (if I remember correctly) than females and that she will have to deal with it if you or one of the boys forgets to leave it up. (Of course, I'm sure she is talking about your personal bathroom, but that is the general idea, anyway.) That is such a silly issue to throw a fit over and I'm not so sure I would let her know that it is very childish to base a R on whether a toilet seat is up or down. Besides, you could look at it as her being inconsiderate by not putting it back up!
As far as being supportive while she is going through this "giving her space" ordeal........just try to do all you can to take the burden of the household chores and spend time with the kids. And, btw, when she throws that next fit about you going out with them or her not being included......I would remind her that she was the one that wanted space and that you were trying your best to abide by her wishes, but if she wanted to be included, she needed to make up her mind and let you know since you cannot "read" her mind. It does take a lot of time and patient, but sometime people need a 2x4 to make them see how unreasonable they are being. However, try to always keep a strong manly voice that is spoken softly and not yelled. That has more affect on a woman than any other way.
Take care and hope it gets better soon.
P.S. I guess you could tie a huge pink bow on the toilet seat as a reminder.....LOL.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W has been with her mother since Thursday - drove her to Florida for a vacation. She's flying back tomorrow.
She has called a few times - once or twice a day - and we had short, pleasant conversations. I just called a half hour ago so that the boys could talk to her before they went to bed - we didn't really talk more than a sentence or two. She may call later, but probably not. Most days she say's "I'll call you later" and then does not - a may get a short text saying "very tired, going to bed, good nite" later this evening.
I'm OK with it. It gives me some space and is better than fighting.
The worst part about the pleasant silence is the knowledge is that this is exactly what she would be like if she were actively planning an escape - but as I get more and more detached from the outcome, that stops being so fearful as well.
Sandi, in response to your question re "I have learned to fear that look" - you are right, I don't really "fear" it. I used to, but now it is more a feeling of "Oh no, this is going to be unpleasant and unresolvable -- there goes the evening" Since we are still living in close proximity to one another and since I still care about her, her emotions still affect me, but I no longer feel responsible for them.
When you were describing "strength" I got the mental image of "velvet over steel". I really see that in the past, when she would make demands or be unreasonable I would either bend and give in order to keep the peace (velvet over clay?) or get resentful -- or both.
I am working hard on that now - one of the positive changes I am really trying to make in myself -- for myself!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Quick Reply to Sandi Re "The Toilet Seat Issue"...
I agree with you - from my point of view up or down it is a non-issue. When my W first complained about it, my response was similar to what you expressed - she could put it down as easily as I could put it up, so get over it....HOWEVER...
I can see that in my W's mind issue is as follows:
- It bothers her - She has told me that it bothers her, and asked me to put it down (then complained, then nagged, etc.) - Since I know she wants it down, and don't do it, then I must not respect her - Since I therefore don't respect her, the R is therefore flawed and bad.
This trivial banality has thus become a symbol for her of the whole R. She sees it and stews over it. As I said, I really wish we would focus on something that matters or is a real problem in the -- but there we are. She has chosen a battlefield. The old me would have fought back, told her she was being ridiculous, and thereby validated her belief that I don't respect her. The new me is trying something different.
to use "the four agreements", I just need to... "Be impeccable with my word" (don't fight about it - either with her or with me), "Don't take it personally" (realize that her criticism is based on her view, not my faults), "Don't make assumptions" (Don't make it a bigger deal than it is, don't try to interpret her moods), and "Do my best" (make a good, reasonable attempt to do what she wants since there is no reason not to - and be happy with that)
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
After almost 5 days with her mother, my W is on the plane on her way home. We have had almost no contact, though what we did have was friendly if distant. I know that the time has been very stressful for her, and that she really wanted to / was feeling obligated to stay longer to help her mom.
No contact at all in the past day, except a short text to let me know her flight was delayed.
I am feeling myself get a bit apprehensive - her reaction to the past days of stress with her sick mom and then of coming home is an unknown. I have to get past that feeling however and just let go.
Once again, the four agreements is coming to help me:
- Don't take anything personally (whatever her reaction, it has nothing to do with me) - Don't make assumptions (don't try to predict)
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I picked my W up from the airport as planned - S4 in car, others waiting at home with my mother. She was waiting by the curb as I pulled up and jumped into the passenger seat immediately.
One of my thoughts recently is that I have been and often am too passive - waiting to make sure something is OK and that I am not going to rock the boat or anger anyone before just doing something -- so as she leaned over to say Hi and give me a friend-style hug, I told myself "just do it" and leaned in to kiss her instead. She turned her head quickly so I got her left cheek. I said "Hey, come back here" and I tried again as she looked toward me -- this time I got her right cheek. Still calm, I reached over, gently turned her head toward me with my hand and kissed her on the lips.
She said nothing and I joked about "giving me the cheek" - an old joke between us because the very first time we kissed (first date) she panicked when I leaned in to kiss her and I got her cheek. We have made jokes about it ever since.
I'm glad I did it - if only for myself, as it got me out of the "Should I, Shouldn't I insecurity I have been in when we are together recently. I want to take the initiative and "Do" in my life and my R rather than worrying about the reaction of my W or of others so much.
Not sure how she took it though - no real reaction one way or the other.
We talked for the drive home about her Mom who has not been doing very well and about my W's work, which is the only reason she came home today rather than staying for a few more days.
She also asked (in a probing sort of way as if she thought I would be upset) if it was OK if she went out with a friend on thursday night. She thought I would be upset since we have a babysitter that night (scheduled long ago), but I replied to her that although I would rather do something together with her, I wouldn't stop her, and if she was going to go out with the friend then I would keep the babysitter and also go out - just let me know so I can make plans one way or the other.
She did not respond, so I guess I'll find out later which she chooses.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
