My situation #9

[steady]

Weekend was alright. Friday night my W went over to her mom's house with the kids and slept over. I stayed home and did some reading and some stuff around the house.

I had an IC session on Sat at 1:00 and it was a pretty tough session for me. Part of Saturdays happenings are in my last post.

Usual stuff after that. Played with the kids, ate dinner, put them to bed. Went into my room and watched a movie.

Sunday I got up with the kids and my W slept in till around 11. She got up and came downstairs for a little while. She had a report to type up for work and she had a report to type up for information my L asked for regarding the order of protection. So I took a shower and she went up to her room.

Basically I took care of the kids all day as she did her reports. We played, we watched TV, we did puzzles, they played with playdoh, I pretended to be a student and my D was the teacher. The kids played a bit with each other while I got some stuff done around the house. Around 2:00 I took the kids upstairs and gave them a bath in the big jacuzzi tub. They love going in there and playing.

I cooked dinner around 4:30 and went upstairs to tell my W I made dinner. She thanked me and seemed a bit surprised. In the past I wouldn't have just made dinner - usually I would have asked her if she had anything in mind to cook. So I took it on my own to just do it without asking her.

The four of us ate dinner and then my W went back upstairs and I played with the kids.

My W came out when it was time to put them to bed. I sat in my bed and read a story to my D while my S watched TV with the headphones on. I put my D to bed and my W put my S to bed. I went downstairs to catch up on Lost on my Tivo.

My W came downstairs and sat on the couch with me for a little while and she went through the coupons in the paper. Then she went up to her room. I finished watching Lost then went to the gas station down the block and picked up some cookies and candy - I was jonesing for some chocolate for some reason.

I came back home and read more of The Power of Now. That book really helps me keep it in the moment and reminds me to stop my thoughts when they go into the past or projecting into the future.

There are some parts of Sat interaction with my W that I didn't post so I'll update it now. After the interaction with my W about the paperwork from the MC my W started to go upstairs. She turned around and said, "You're really dragging your feet on this." I told her yeah I am. But you're the one who had to go get that court order and created another mess that needs to be worked on. She said, it's just you trying to control and manipulate the situation. I asked her why she's making assumptions about what my intentions are. I said you have no idea what my intentions are and you sit there acting as if you know. I said my dragging my feet has nothing to do with control and manipulation. She started to raise her voice and I told her to keep it down because the kids could hear us. Then she went into me saying at one time, "It's not going to happen on your time is going to be on my time." I told her it's going to happen when it happens and it's not on her schedule.

She was getting annoyed and she turned to go upstairs. Then I said let's work on it now. Then she said ok. Then she said, "Well I don't think so. It's not going to be on your time it will be on my time." I said ok. Then she changed up again and came downstairs to work on it.

She was combative and started in with a few other things. Then she said, "Why do I have to support your lifestyle." I said I wasn't asking her to. She said everyone else in the state pays 25% for child support why do you think you are special and don't have to. I said I didn't think I was special and I didn't care what other people do. I said I want something that's fair and that's all. Then she said, "Why didn't you have a career?" (referring to all the jobs I've held in the past and how I didn't have a career track that led to more money)

I said, "How dare you throw that in my face. You know damn well why I didn't have a career and you have no right to throw the past into my face. It's just you trying to cut me down at my knees just like your mother does to your father. It's your way of trying to control and manipulate me. Whenever you don't get your way you throw a hissy fit." Then she said, "I am so done with you." I said that's been pretty obvious to me.

Things settled down and we sat at the table to work on the agreement. Then I said something, I don't remember exactly what it was, and she said don't talk about that. I said I can talk about anything I want - what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. I have that right. Then she said, well then I just won't answer you. I said fine. I have to stand up for myself and I'm doing it more and more.

So we worked on some stuff. She seems to be softening up on the amount of time I'll be with the kids and the child support. What I want to do is have two overnights a week and every other weekend. For the child support I want both of us to keep receipts and then I pay 40% and she pays 60%. I think that's fair that I only have to pay what is actually spent on the kids. She seemed to be more open to that idea than she was in the past.

The ironic thing is that we have another role reversal. She wants to hammer out this separation and do it as fast as possible, I'm dragging my feet (because I don't want to leave my kids and my house) and she's getting annoyed at me and snapping at me. It's a reversal of me wanting to work on the M as hard and quick as possible and her dragging her feet on doing that - then me getting annoyed at her for doing it. The irony of it all. I was going to mention it to her but realized it didn't make a difference.

I see her pattern. Everything is fine until something ticks her off about the separation stuff. Every time she had a meeting with her L, the day we went to court, the day the paperwork arrived from my L addressed to her, her having to do this big report to answer questions from my L, these are all triggers for her. When she's not in control and getting her way she gets all wound up around the axle and starts spewing negativity.

I know I should have just let what she said roll of my back but I'm tired of being a doormat. Some of what she said to me bothered me but then I realized I don't have to give her that power. Her perception of me is skewed and it's up to me to have the confidence in myself to not own the cr@p that she's trying to stick on me. I know I'm not the guy she's got in her mind and she's still trying to control me by trying to get me to believe that I am. It has to do with weakness in my own self confidence and she plays that up. But I am getting better with it.

So after that stuff she was nice as pie. Laughing and talking to me. She even showed me a video on her laptop that was funny. So she got a piece of what she wanted and turned all happy again. And she's claimed that I'm the one who goes up and down. I've been pretty steady and feeling normal feelings for the sitch - she's been the one who goes all over the place.

Anyway, that's the update.