My first step out of Newcomers

[Can it work]

Hi there MsM and PM. Thanks again for your kind words. Sometimes I guess we need them more than others. It is a great comfort to be able to come on here and see that kind of support. I had a bad night after my last post yesterday. For the first time in ages I cried openly for a while when I got in to bed. I thought all my tears had been spent a long time ago. Turns out I was wrong. I tried reading to take my mind off things but I just couldn't find the concentration.

When I finally did get to sleep, I had a couple of dreams about my W and I. I guess with so much raw emotion flowing it was inevitable. There's only one I can remember much about and it was of my W telling me that she still loved me but there was no way we could get back together. I woke up hurting from that one.

I do feel a bit better this morning if I'm honest but not as good as I've been recently. There could be a few different reasons for this though. The fact is I'm taking medication right now which in some cases can actually be a depressant. I know that you're all going to say that I'm crazy to be doing that in my current sitch but I made a decision based on what it can do for me in the long run. I've always been bothered with quite a bad complexion. Not too bad but bad enough to make me a bit self concious about it. This medication I'm taking now though has given me the healthiest skin I can remember having since childhood. It's boosting my confidence tenfold and changing the way I feel about myself when I look in the mirror. Yes, the whole depression thing is a bad side effect but it's considered to be incredibly rare to get this. The truth is I believe that my depression right now is just being caused in the old fashioned way.

MsM, you mentioned about me possibly being down because of spending time with my mother. There may be something in that to be honest. One of the things my Mum asked me on Saturday was what we were planning to do about Christmas. I've been trying to avoid thinking about it and it put me in a bit of a downer when she brought it up. I don't want to think about Christmas because in honesty, I want to be well on the road to marriage recovery by then. After all, who knows what the future may bring.

You're also right about my W's crutches MsM. She's always had so many close friends and I can't see that changing any time soon. It's almost like another hurdle for me to clear before I can start reconcilliation. It's been some time since I've actually seen my W on her own. Her friends have almost become like a shield she's surrounded herself with. It felt so awkward yesterday to actually have to ask her if I could have a word in front of all her friends. I was actually looking forward to having a pleasant conversation about Wee Man's Mother's Day present to her and other things.

I did have a great weekend with Wee Man though MsM. It's tough doing it on my own and I always feel slightly upset when I have him because I feel so awful about allowing him to become victim to a broken home so early in his life. He's done nothing to deserve this yet he's being passed around from house to house every week. Poor wee mite.

PM, I am always greatful for the support of other DBers on here. I hate to think where I would be if I'd never found this group. It's kept me hoping and moving forward as much as possible. I still miss having someone to support me at home though. All I need is the occasional shoulder to cry on and soemone to keep me company when I'm feeling lonely. There really is just nobody. I know that sounds pathetic but it's the truth. The one person who might have been able to offer that kind of support is a 26 year old female friend. I refuse to go down that route though as I think that's a prime example of an EA. I will keep coming here for support as always but sometimes it's hard to fight the lonliness from posting on a BB. I'm sure you all understand.

I know what you're saying about trying to find evidence that my W does still love me but I've got a horrible habit of over analysing everything. It's just my nature I'm afraid. Every time I see something which may be a turn around for her, I quickly find another reason for it in my head which isn't as favourable for me. I really am struggling to believe that this is going to work out. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. I'm still going to be DBing my a$$ off for a long time to come but I've lost the light at the end of the tunnel. It now feels like I'm DBing because I just don't know what else to do. Does that make any sense? One thing my W did say yesterday which I don't think I can take any other way than good is that one of her friends who was there yesterday has been staying a lot because she's quite down due to man troubles. My W thought this was fine by her so she had the company. That tells me she doesn't feel like she's able to cope with being alone either. The difference with me is that she doesn't really have to be.

I know I'm overreacting to the partying. It's not like I haven't been out myself. It just makes my mind make up horrible things though. I'm lonely but want my W back. She's lonely but doesn't love me. To me that sounds like a perfect reason for her to seek company in the arms of someone else.

I know I'm backsliding in myself PM. My PMA has taken a beating and my optimism now seems non existent. I do believe however that I am managing to keep all this from my W. When I'm talking with her I think I'm still following DB well. As long as she doesn't see the backslides in me I'm not really hampering my progress in winning her back I suppose.

Anyway, I think I've droned on for long enough. I have to go to the airport soon to pick up the external auditor. That should make a fun few days for me too!! Wish me luck.

Kev