It's Complicated! Part 4

[glamgirl]

Well here I sit with a headache and have been crying for hours. It was not a good day. Not even sure where to begin.

H showed up around 3pm. I had just got back home from picking up a few things. I fixed a quick lunch. Then I had to run out and pick up a few groceries.

H says take my car, so I did. He asked me to put gas in his car. While I was getting gas, I reached back to throw a reciept away and his trash was overflowing, so I decided to empty for him, since he is always doing these nice gestures for me.

Out fell all these reciepts from McDonalds for breakfast for 2 at 5am - 6am. It wasn't just one receipt, but many. They were for the last few weeks almost daily. I couldn't help that it bothered me. First of all, he was so quick about a week ago to point out that it's too bad that we are NOT on the same page with morning and night person. Now these were all at 5am. So either he doesn't sleep at all or he is up early.

No 2X4's here, I did ask h who he was with and why so early. Of course, h has a response and says he is working out playing racketball. It's in a part of town that we don't ever hang out at. Could be the case, but I am not so sure.

Anyway, it all just came pouring out and I realized I really don't know my h anymore, nor does he care to include me in his life. I have never been ok with this, but now I realize for me I just need more in my life.

It bothered me so much because here I have been going to work out at a posh gym at 5am every morning for months and have invited h and he says oh I am sleeping at that hour and can't join you, but here he has no trouble meeting others if that is what he is doing to work out.

I am not angry at my h, I am just throwing in the towel. I realzie that I just need more than he can offer. It's been almost 3 years and he can't look me in the eyes and say Glam this is where I am living, even though he promised in C that he would tell me. Then he is off early am almost daily playing racketball, which really suprises me since he hasn't mentioned it in the least. If he were really working out I think he would have said I am feeling so good now that I am working out again complaining how sore he is. At least that has how it has been in the past.

I don't really care about the receipts and who he is playing racketball with it's just the lack of caring and respect on his part. I really am only a fraction of his life and I need more now. I am amazed at how really little I know about his life now and that doesn't seem to be improving. He doesn't seem to make any effort to include me. I really don't know how to describe it other than shrugging my shoulders, feeling numb and needing more from a M. I know many will say he can't give that right now, well I can't give anymore. There is nothing left inside me to give. I am empty and feel alone.

So on Sat, he is eating McDonalds at 6am, text me in the afternoon and says he is sick and then takes off for a 6+ hour drive, so he says but he is sick and can't come over and help with the kids.

I just can't take the disrespect anymore and need things to change, but know that my h doesn't have it in him to make any changes, so I have NO choice but to move on with my life. I love my h more than anything in this world, but I am done. I am not mad at my h, he isn't capable of impoving the m right now with his limited self. I am actually very sad and grieving over the loss of our m.

Someone once said on here that when you really let go it hurts all over again and worse. I guess that is where I am at now.

I did make dinner for our family this evening and it was quiet. H said how long are you going to be mad at me. I said h I am not mad at you. Which I am not. He then asked to drive me to the bank. I was quiet. H said I guess you are not going to talk to me. I said h I am sorry, but I have nothing to say. Practically bawling on the ride. He said no reason to be sorry.

He dropped me back at home and said goodbye, see you on Tuesday.

With that I have a splitting headache and I am sure my eyes will be puffed out like frogs in the am. I am also feeling some mild chest pain, which is not unusual for me when I am stressed.

I will be ok, I just have to make plans for my future now whatever that means. In many ways I feel I let my h down, my kids down, myself and even God, but I am human and life is short! I am so sorry, I really wanted to be a success story here to encourage others, but life took it's toll on me mentally and physically, but it doesn't mean my stand wasn't worth it. I learned lots and have a finer appreciation of life and God!