Just missing you guys a little!

[marriedCrazy]

Amy...sorry to hear about your latest interaction. But I feel ya!!

I've been wondering myself about how I would react if my W brings OM around the kids again. What would I want to do to "punish" her? I've been thinking that there isn't anything I can do to stop it really; all I can do is get angry about it. It's like the last fatal attempt at saving these things; keep the kids away from OP. I almost feel like it's an attempt in vain. If the M is headed for D and we know that there are OP; we also know that the kids will be exposed. But for some reason, I feel like I equate keeping the exposure from happening is the last thing I can "control" to keep what little semblance of family I have left. Maybe it's the knowledge that the "exposure" to the OP is really the final chapter in the M or the beginning of the dissolution of it. From which there may be no return.

[Amy M]

It's not that even...I think I dealt with that 2 weeks ago when he said he was moving in with her. It's about respect. I don't know why I still expect him to show me some. It's not like he's shown any for the last 3 years. But, I deserve respect...if for no other reason than that I am the mother of his children!!!!!!!

And, it became clear tonight that he's actively rebelling against me. That means he's gonna just keep doing things I don't want him to just for the sake of being able to say, "I'm not gonna let her tell me what to do anymore!" And, my kids are gonna learn how to be men from this person (had another name in mind, but I don't want to get kicked off!) who doesn't even begin to understand what it means to "be a man."

There's nothing to do. That's why I was so angry. That's why I screamed at him. That's why I called him ugly names. That's why I told him how disappointed I was in him. Because there's nothing I can do to make him show me the respect I deserve. There's nothing I can do to protect my children from him.

I do think my settlement says that he can't have overnights if he disregards the bringing OP around bit, but, that serves no purpose at this point. No matter how hard I try to "regulate his morality," I can't! I believe a very wise man warned me about that before.

IT JUST SUCKS!!!! And, I keep thinking to myself, "Surely he wasn't like this when I married him. Was I that blind???? How did I miss it?" I chose him as the father of my children...I PICKED HIM. Surely I didn't chose that badly, did I?

And, I was doing so well!!!

Okay...deep sigh...things will be better tomorrow!

[pollyanna]

Hi amy - I can understand the anger and the frustration but I think MC is right. Last bastion of control. Having said that if you can hold off or minimise contact then go ahead and do it.

He is a disgusting pig for not respecting your wishes and giving you the respect you deserve. But your anger feeds him.

I would like to ask you to never raise your voice or scream at him again. I DO THIS AND IT IS SOOOOOOOOO POWERFUL . H continues to dig a hole for himself. He does more and more stupid things which ALL work in my favor. i will get a better settlement out of it, my kids are losing respect for their father, he does not have a hope in h$## of having his children accept this OW and I am coming of as the fabulous one, the bigger person.

He is frustrated at my lack of response or questions and it drives him to act irrationally. Do what you ahve to do to protect your kids but please dont buy into his tactics.

Do you think for 1 minute that he did not know you would react the way you did. Course he knew. He probably got some sick rush from it.

Please please keep your dignity. I have had so much pleasure from keeping mine.

I wish my H would move in with OW. Speeds up the whole crashing of his world. so your news a few weeks back , would of lifted my spirits.

[pearlharbr]

(((Amy)))

Grr, I am so sorry to hear about your night. I understand completely about the lack of respect. That's what it boils down to for me too. The cheating, lying about it, flaunting it in front of his coworkers...it's just SO disrespectful.

I think you hit the nail on the head - he is actively rebelling against you, acting like a child. And polly is right - he pushed the button he knew would generate the biggest response. Not that that really helps with the emotion.

I'm not in a place to offer any advice right now, it would just be do as I say, not as I do. But please know that I'm thinking about you and I believe you will get through this trial and will be the better for it.

[Amy M]

Thanks (((((mC))))), (((((polly))))) and (((((pearl)))))!

I'm just so tired of this. I didn't sleep a wink, and I have so much to do at work today...so much. And, for the first time in months I'm going to work with my eyes all puffy cause of HIM!!!!

But, for what it's worth, I did sort of take the "high road" once again. I sent the following email before I went to bed last night...

H,
I won't sleep if I don't make an attempt to apologize for my behavior tonight.

I'm sorry that I acted so inappropriately. I'm sorry that I called you names and said hateful things.

I should also say that while I'm sorry for the way I handled things...and I truly am...I'm not apologizing for the anger I felt. I still believe that what you did was disrespectful, and I honestly thought that we were past that stage and had come to a point that we would both attempt to be respectful of each other as things relate to the boys. I've been trying very hard to do that from my side of things. I wish that you would rethink your actions and try hard to do the same in return.
Amy


I'm just gonna get his settlement markups to the attorney today and ask her to hurry, hurry, hurry with the paperwork. I want to be divorced yesterday.

I also am thinking that I might talk to S7 about the fact that his dad has a girlfriend. I don't intend to go into detail about when he got the girlfriend, and if asked, I'll just tell him I don't know. But, H won't talk to him about it, and S7 is so smart. I thought that if I talked to him that might open the door for him to share his feelings if he wants to. And, since he's so obviously trying to protect me (he keeps implying that he'll be okay if I get a boyfriend, etc.), I thought he might get some relief from knowing that I already know. He won't bring it up for fear of upsetting me. I'm not sure that's the best way to handle it, but, it won't be long until they have to start staying there. I want them to be properly prepared...and knowing H, he'll just take them over there with no discussion at all. Because afterall, it's what's best for them.

I'm getting up out of this chair, going to work, and going to pray for the ability to focus on that today. Go, Amy, Go!!

(((((Tawnya))))) and (((((SMW))))), thanks much for your support last night. I'm so thankful to have folks to call when a mini-crisis occurs. Love you both very, very much!!!

Love to all!!
Amy

[Tawnya]

{{{Amy}}} Aww I'm sorry to hear that you didn't sleep my friend and you shoulda called me back

I like your note you sent, at least for your own self, whether he will respond or not..bah..who knows and doesn't really matter anyway :P

I hate the lack of respect thing..really is annoying and you and your kids truly TRULY don't deserve this..none of us do really!

However, on the bright side..hopefully this is the WORST thing he will do LOLOL (well we can hope anyway?!) I still say..look at you..you got thru it and are still OKAY on the other side my sweetie!

Tawnya

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{Amy}}}}}

My beautiful friend, Do not ever feel that you need to thank me. I am happy to be there for you--you have certainly returned the favor many times--remember the trip to the airport and the one home from the base??? Friends support friends and that is all there is to that.

Besides, look at what happened--we talked about shoes and shopping for most of the convo, anyway! LOL

As for telling S7, that is a touchy one and I do not know what to tell you. I am hoping that I never have to have this convo with the littles myself. I am sure, though, that given the circumstances, it is a convo that needs to be had on an age appropriate level.

Yes, I am also sure that it is because of your H's actions that S7 feels the need to tell you that he would be okay with you dating in the future. In his little mind, he just wants you to be happy and since daddy is not doing his part, it is up to S7 to let you know that he is okay with you moving on from H, even if he personally (S7) really wants his family together. He simply wants mommy to be happy.

Pray on it and let God lead you. He will be able to tell you the right words to talk to the boys, especially S7, in a way that shows the wrongness of Daddy's actions without assigning blame or making daddy or the OW look worse than they already do in the kids' minds. Trust me, you have raised your kids well, they know that what is happening is wrong, even if they do not say it.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[Amy M]

So, in case I didn't tell you guys, I'm glad I found you!!! Love you!!!

I'm definitely going to talk to S7 tonight. I got a call from his school this morning. He came into the clinic complaining of a hurt leg. She said he was limping and told her that ice wouldn't help it at all. I told her that I didn't know what had happened over the weekend, but that I'd come in and give him a dose of ibuprofen to get him through the rest of the day. (S7's gone to the clinic a bunch this year...mostly complaining of minor stuff like a headache or a sore arm...mostly looking for attention. I usually just tell her to send him back to class, but I was feeling sad myself today so I told her I'd come check on him...I haven't seen him since Friday.)

I called H on the way, and he said he thinks it might be a groin muscle strain. I said, "Well, did you give him anything for it this morning." H said, "Yeah...a hard time." MEN!!! At any rate, it was a relatively painless convo only related to the leg injury.

I got to the school, and S7 really wants to go home. I told him that I couldn't because of work. He starts to cry and says that he really doesn't want to be at school. I asked if he got in trouble at school. He said no. I asked what was wrong, and he just said, "I want to go home, Mom." I said, "Me too. But, unfortunately, I can't today. So, take the ibuprofen, take it easy this afternoon at afterschool, and I'll pick you up as soon as I can."

I don't know what's up with him...but, I'm guessing it's in some way related to H's decision making. Good thing H is completely looking out for the boys in all of his decisions! In addition to protecting me from the news, S7 may also be scared that he won't be able to see his dad if I find out about the girlfriend.

So I think I'm just going to say, "S7, I wanted you to know that I understand that your dad has a girlfriend. It's not right to have a girlfriend while you are married, but I just wanted you to know that I know about it and that we are going to be just fine. And, your dad loves you very much, and you will continue to get to see him just as much as you have been. So, if there's anything at all that you want to talk about, we can talk about it."

We'll see how that goes.

Did I mention that I HATE THIS CRAP?????

Hugs!
Amy

[pollyanna]

Hi Amy - Great email. good on you. Do not expect a response and therefore you will not be disappointed.

i also cannot advise on S7. i will tell you my kids are late teens, early 20s and our separation has impacted on them as if they were little. The advantage is that they are able to articulate how they feel.

In the beginning i buried my head and refused to be spoken to about any yukky stuff that muight upset me. My kids spoke many time in tears etc to my mother. Eventually my mother said ' enough , get your head out oif the sand and help your kids '. So i did and i had to go on anti depressants and sleeping tablets.

As the weeks past my kids came to me and asked that I no longer speak to them about how they are feeling, their dads actions etc. I was surprized. So now months down the track, they say very little about their father but they know I will listen if they do. So occasionally they have. I offer no explanation really for h behavior but i do offer them hope. hope that there dad will someday be the man he once was and that seems to appease them. i also tell them that soon this new family dynamic will seem normal and after time all things feel normal.

So with that in mind perhaps you could speak to your son about stuff but at the same time offer him hope that everything will be ok etc. Dad really is behaving a little different than he `used to but he loves them and things will all be ok.

[Amy M]

Well, I guess it went better than I expected. I picked S7 up from school, and just out the blue he asks me if he plays football will I still come to his games. I said, "Of course, why do you ask?" He said cause his dad will be at all the games.

So, I said, "S7, I'll always be your mom and he'll always be your dad, and we both will watch your plays and your games and support you in all you do. I do know that your dad has a girlfriend and I don't want you to worry about that."

He says, "Dad doesn't have a GF." I said, "I think he does, and I just want you to know that while it's wrong to have a GF while you are married, I still love your dad, and I still want good things for him. I will be fine and you and S3 will be fine. And, you will get to see Dad just as much as you have been."

So, he says, "Who is Dad's GF? Is it OW?" I said, "Yes." Then he said, "Was she Dad's GF when he lived at our house?" I said, "Yes. I think she was."

He was quiet for a minute. I said, "Are you okay?" He said, "Yeah. I'm okay. It's just weird." I said, "Yes. It is. If you want to talk about it, we can."

So, we get S3 and stop at McDonalds and come home to eat. While we eat, they talk about their weekend. Apparently, they were at OW's house on Saturday and Sunday both. So, H is stilllllll lying!!! What's the point of that now??? I was so irritated that I sent a TM that said..."U r amazing. Why do you still feel the need to lie? Or did you actually have to pick up the hoses from her house on Saturday and Sunday? STOP IT. I don't deserve the lies."

S7 worked on his homework, and got frustrated so he stomped off outside. I let him pout for a few minutes, and then I walked out there. He was mad about his homework. I told him not to get upset that we would work a little more tonight and then finish tomorrow. He teared up. I hugged him and said, "What's up, buddy? Let's talk. We are friends, you know?" He said, "You already have 10 hundred friends." I just laughed and said, "Yes. I have a lot of friends, but you are the most important one. I'm sorry I told you about your dad. I thought you already knew." He said, "If dad marries OW, is she gonna live with him." I said, "Well, he will likely live with her at her house where you visited this weekend." He said, "Where will I stay when I go see him?" I said, "You'll stay at her house too."

He said, "Okay." So, I just reminded him that his dad and I both love him very much and that we'll all be okay. I did tell him that having a GF while you are married is not the right thing and that I certainly hoped he understood that. He said he did.

That was that...hopefully, I've opened the door for him to talk about it more should he feel the need.

It was quite hurtful to hear them talk about being at her place. They had fun. She fixed them lunch. They like her and her dogs. Ouch! But, I guess that's better than her being an evil stepmom, right?

So, secret's out! I'm not fighting it. I'm going to turn in the settlement papers with his change requests tomorrow. And, I'm going to ask her to get the packet ready to file as quickly as possible. And, I'm going to keep praying that H will start to think about his boys more than himself someday very, very soon!

I'm exhausted! I'll actually be glad when it's all over!!!

Love you!
Amy