The first sentence nearly knocked me out of my chair. When I look at myself it is as someone who was too weak, too scared to say "if you don't want me, plenty of men will!" Somehow I got so stuck into believing that if he didn't want me there must be something so wrong that no one would. And, the truth is, i didn't want to want anyone else anyway. It would have meant giving up my dream of my family.
Thank you sincerely for the advice. You are right, I apologized and do not need to continue doing so. I know that he has a right to his life and it is no business of mine- I am angry with myself for wedging myself in there.
What is the point for him to explain what I read? Again, he owed me nothing. Believe me, I have been over it thousands of times. Yes, he never let go. Yes, we could say that he led me on with promises of learning to communicate, learning to let go of his old (and admittedly wrong) impressions of me, etc. But, still, there was no promise, no ring, no committment. Yes, I deserved honesty. It was the least he could have offered. He knew full well that it was always in my heart to start over and leave behind the mistakes of the past. If anything, that is what hurts me the most. He knew how I felt yet he strung me along. And, I do take responsibility for allowing it to happen. I thought that as long as he was doing it that there were some feelings there. He happily sat here- only 2 weeks ago tomorrow- and ate steak and told me how much he missed me. I am so angry!
3.5 years and I am still in the same f'ing spot. Is this where I finally grieve this? I feel sick to my stomach and just want to run away!
I know I have control over being the person I want to be. The person I want to be does not do stupid things like snoop. I wish I had a do-over on this whole day.
Thanks again, Ian. I have also read your threads, but never felt comfortable jumping in your well-established group. Your words have been a comfort to me on this really rough evening.
