Just missing you guys a little!

[Amy M]

Sandi, I love you! Thanks for the kind words! I wish I had lived up to them tonight. Hugs to you and Tawnya and Jon.

Before I get to tonight...

I had a really good weekend...went out in my new purple shoes and had fun. Actually got quite a bit of attention and that was good for my self-esteem. And, I got a lot of work done in the yard with my parents here. I did have two of those moments when I was almost defined by my sitch. Friday night I went out with one of my very few single friends. He's the one who took me out for my birthday. At any rate, he had a friend in from out of town. They picked me up and we drove about an hour from here to hear a really fun band. On the way, I said something about H...just telling story and used his name, and the friend of my friend said, "Is that your ex?" I said, "Yea. Soon to be." He said, "Yea. [Friend] told me about your divorce. That sucks." So, I guess I had already been introduced (without my knowledge) to this guy as "my friend Amy who's going through a divorce." It bothered me for a split second when I thought about it, but then he followed it with, "So, if you don't mind my asking, besides your H being a complete idiot, what happened?" (One of those good for my self esteem moments)!!! I told a very brief version of the the saga and then no one brought it up again.

On Saturday night I had a dinner with a small group from my Sunday school class. I'm relatively new to the class so I only knew 2 people of the 15 at the dinner (and, yes, I was the only person there not "happily" married). At any rate, this really weird guy says during dinner in front of about 5 other folks, "So, Amy, now that you've decided to leave your H..." I was very taken aback, but I interrupted him and said, "Wait, if we are going to discuss this here in the open in front of people I don't know, I'd like to make it clear that my H decided to leave me most definitely not the other way around." So, he then says, "Oh, I thought he was abusive and you were leaving him." I said, "Nope. I'm not sure where you got that information, but that's not the case at all." And, then, the weirdo says, "Oh, I must have you confused with [so and so]." He used her name in front of everyone. So, not only did he air my laundry in front of everyone, he aired hers. And, she wasn't even there to defend himself. I should have told him that I thought he was inappropriate, and maybe I will when I have a chance and there are fewer folks around. But, after that exchange, someone changed the subject, and it was fine. Awkward there for a little bit...for everyone at the table. Lucky for him I'm not the type to embarrass easily or to burst into tears!

But, then tonight happened, and I'm so frustrated with me and my reaction. It was out of character, understandable, but completely outside of the attitude I've tried so hard to maintain!

I called the boys tonight, and before I could ask to speak to them, H says, "I had to go over to OW's house today to get the water hoses to do some work here. So, if the boys mention her that's why." I said, "How long were you there?" He says, "Oh, just a few hours." I was livid. Our agreement was that he wouldn't have her around them "in any manner that might be misconstrued as a date" until the divorce is final. His response was that it "wasn't like a date. We were just over at her house." WTH???????

So, I talked to the boys...little man said, "Mommy, you didn't come get me and that's why I'm sad." I explained that I would pick him up tomorrow after school...it was all I could do not to drive myself over there tonight and load them both up. So, I hung up the phone, but I was so furious, that I called him back.

We had a screaming match...I said hateful things to him. I cried. I asked him what he did with the man I married...the good, honest man that would have done anything for me and for the kids. I threatened to tear up the agreement we have and start all over being much less "nice." He said, "Go for it." He said, "I'm not gonna let you tell me what to do anymore. You've run my life for the last 12 years, and I'm done letting you do that. I'll do what I want to from now on." (Apparently, I was controlling and didn't even know it!11)

So, I said, "You are such a stupid jerk (that was actually the nicest thing I called him all night). We were so close to being done with a fair settlement, and now that I see that you have no intention of doing what the agreement says anyway, I'll need to talk to my attorney now about whether or not the language needs to be amended to make the penalty for non-compliance stronger."

The last time he took them around her, I didn't allow him to have them overnight until he agreed not to do it again. I think the agreement says that they won't have overnights again until after the divorce. I'll call her tomorrow and see what she thinks. It's not signed, so, technically, it's not legal. I don't know.

I'm so angry I can't even think straight. I've been praying since it happened...I'll feel better soon. God will take the anger...he always does.

But, WOW!!!!!

Okay...just wanted to get it out there. It's amazing what therapy it is just to type out the situation!!!

I hope everyone had a great weekend and that the new week gets off to great start too!

Love you all!
Amy