Do I cut her off? Or do I let her keep yanking me around? I know there's a fine line in there somewhere, I just don't know where it is and how long I can put up with this. It's too damn confusing and too damn frustrating especially when there seems to be no one else.
I'm right there with you AF, up ad down on the roller coaster. I start to think that it's becoming a battle of wills, and my W is going back and forth because she just doesn't want to be the one to call it quits, and is passive-aggressively hoping that I will get fed up with it all and throw in the towel. But I remain 100% committed to my vows and will not do that, so I think it frustrates her, causes her to be even more distant and cruel. However it turns out, I will always be able to tell my kids that I NEVER gave up on our family.
She just called and said I'm about 6 minutes out, can I come over and look at the yard. Sure I said. She comes in and acts like nothing is wrong. Talks with my daughter and basically scolds her for not calling and then asks is she'll call her tomorrow as she's tired of not getting any calls. Whatever!!! She then wanted to show me and my daughter the bedroom set she got her--ok, I overreacted before, it wasn't that expensive. She stayed for about maybe 8 minutes and kissed my daughter goodbye and then kissed me on my head goodbye. If she wants to be alone, she sure doesn't act like it. So what can I asertain from this visit? I don't know exactly. Any thoughts on the matter?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Oh, in case you were wondering, I kept my answers short to questions she asked, I didn't look at her directly but yet I tried to be cordial. I don't know if I pulled it off but I was going for that I don't care whatever happens happens kind of attitude. Truthfully, I'm still upset from our phone conversation earlier and a little tired from yard work. So some of that probably carried over to my attitude. We'll see...
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I used to see this equation on the boards and it may be a good rule of thumb for you. Figure one month of separation for every year married. Anything less than that consider a gift from God.
I know it seems impossible, but I am already down to two months shy of that number. DH is not even thinking about coming home yet, as far as I know. In addition, I have to deal with an OP. At least as far as you know, that is not muddying up your equation.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Holy cow!!! I'm not waiting 15 months! Hell, I'm not waiting 1 year! I have given myself 6 months. By that time I will have moved on or she will have to make a decision. I don't intend to live like a monk waiting for her to make a decision. If you add up the time I was in Iraq and training before that then you are looking at 14 months of time seperated. That's more than enough. If this is what she wants then she needs to make up her mind. Six months, then s&#@ or get off the pot. I'll be 40 this year and I hear that 40 is the new 30. I'm sure there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Is that what I want at this point? A BIG FAT NO!!! So, as Puppy put it so very eloquently, I will work on myself and stop trying to figure out the wife. I do have to protect myself emotionally though as apparently I thought this past week was a major breakthrough and it turned out not to be the case. Whew, that's a long time to be seperated--don't know that I could do it.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Puppy is right. You can't detach from the sitch if you're constantly trying to decipher what she means about every little thing she says. You'll never get YOURSELF better continuing those behaviors.
The best thing you can do at this point is to let her have what she wants. She wants space. Let her have "her" space. You take your space and make your life into something. Take care of your D and find something you enjoy doing. The best thing I ever did for myself was quit worrying about what my W was doing. I concentrated on raising my S and D. I got back into church. I started going out with friends. I hooked up with old friends, whom I haven't talked to in years. Once I got myself a life away from the W; I got better.
Do I still want my M? I don't know. Do I still want my family? Hell yes. I've given it over to God and I still practice my DB'ing. But I don't analyze her every comment and action. She left in Sept. and in Feb. she started making comments about coming back. She hasn't made any forthright effort; but those comments took a while to surface.
Before she left, we had two-and-a-half years of hell. Alcoholism, affairs, suicide attempt, rehab, more affairs, counseling, weekend to remember, an awakening of our marriage, a move to her hometown, more affairs, more drinking, and now a separation. So I've been trying for over 3 years now. Granted, I've only been DB'ing since last August. But my point it that patience is a must if you want to see this through. Only you can determine when you're done. My W and I have a settlement agreement; neither one of us has made the move to file it. What does that say? Confusion still reigns.
I believe your W is just as confused as you are. What does that mean? I don't know. You know, my W is confused as well. But I don't care so much; I'm living my life with the back door cracked. I ain't gonna open it; it's up to her to push the door open. If she does, then we'll discuss what "rooms" she can access.
Be friendly with her; but you do not need to be her BFF. If you want her to come back; I suggest that you at least keep the lines open to a small extent. She's engaging you and that's a positive. My W went totally dark in the first few months; it's only been since just after Christmas that she's started to open up and have nice, meaningful convos. (When we have them) But, for me, I feel that if she's to come back; I want her to trust me with what she has to say. So I listen and validate; I don't argue or tell her she's wrong, even when I think she is wrong. But I've got to build trust with her and her with me; if she's to come back and we're to be successful.
That's good input. I appreciate the insight. It gives me pause while I consider talking with her and what I'll let her talk to me about. I can see that having a good converstation will help with more so with the possibility of getting us back together versus no or poor convo. So, thank you for you thoughts, that's what I like about this board.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
That's good input. I appreciate the insight. It gives me pause while I consider talking with her and what I'll let her talk to me about. I can see that having a good converstation will help with more so with the possibility of getting us back together versus no or poor convo. So, thank you for you thoughts, that's what I like about this board.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
