True Love or True Fog? Part II - The Fertile Void

[Tawnya]

{{{Silver}}} Aww..yeah that would make me cry, esp since that is the age I was when we got married..

So you need a new outfit then?!

Tawnya

[Silver Fox]

I have the black pants but not a black skirt. Need a colorful blouse /or sweater/jacket. davidswife wants me to get red high heels but I just don't know about that. I'm not a high heels type and I don't want to fall over!

[pearlharbr]

Ok, if you can't walk with confidence in high heels then don't do it. You don't want to appear wobbly and you will worry about it when you should be focused on other things.

I do think a skirt is in order if you don't normally wear them. And definitely a new colorful blouse/sweater. My recent shopping spree has done wonders for my self esteem even if it hasn't been so great on my bank account. I've gone a new direction in my wardrobe and I like it!

And there are lots of cute flats out right now so go for a whole new outfit.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

My retail therapy has been great!

Silver--try going to zappos and do a search in a heel height you are comfortable in and a color that you would like. Find some shoes you love, then go buy a blouse or top to match them. I bought several new tops yesterday and in the back of my mind, I went with ones that would look well with dress trousers or skirts and a blazer.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[davidswife]

Silver,

I would never advise high heels if you're not used to them. Falling over would NOT be good!!

[Silver Fox]

Well I do have a pair of black wedge heels with a peep toe - I love red toenails showing through - and they're easy to walk in. I might have to go with those, skinny black pants, white blouse and red sweater. I don't think I'll have time this week to shop for a black skirt. I have kind of a 50's style, shoulder length hair parted on the side look and I'm a size 4 (thanks to the LBS diet) so I think I'm on my way to looking FINE.

Met with my L today. He gave me a rundown of how mediation works. We'll be in separate rooms with the mediator moving back and forth. Not sure I like this - I want to look H square in the eyes. Although he did say we could all sit together at some point - anyone else had this experience?

I think I'm as prepared as I can be. I have all the paperwork, copies of bills, W-2 forms, pictures of our run-down house. I know what I want and how I'll defend it, so the wild card is really my H. Not having spoken with him since August I have no idea what kind of mental or emotional state he's in, no idea what he will say or offer. But L says if he throws the bankruptcy threat into the mix all bets are off. The family court will not hear a case until those issues are cleared up.

So much for H's speedy D.

[Tawnya]

{{{Silver}}} LOVE the idea of the red nail polish..YOU go ahead my friend

I have no advice on the other part, so I will just say that you sound good and you sound well prepared!!

Tawnya

[Silver Fox]

Hi all,

Hope everyone is having a super weekend. It's very rainy here which gives me a perfect day to write out my statement for mediation on Monday. This is not required but the mediator's form asks for a brief overview. I decided to type out something more formal to give to H's L as well as the mediator.

I'd like some DB opinions on this. I tried to stay to the point -facts only, little emotion and no whining. But I need other eyes to tell me if any of it sounds pursuing, which I absolutely don't want. I've learned that much here!

In late March 2007 H informed me that he wanted to live by himself for awhile. Two days later he moved out. At the time, he was working on his tenure portfolio and he felt the time alone would be beneficial to finishing the work by the deadline. There was no indication that anything was terribly wrong with our relationship. I know we had a good marriage and he knows this as well. Throughout that spring and summer as I questioned him on what exactly was going on, he would speak of how his "feelings had changed" and it "takes more than love to sustain a marriage". In August 2007 he informed me of his relationship with someone else. A relationship, as I began to put two and two together, that really was the impetus to his moving out and his "changed feelings".

I want it made clear that this was never a mutual separation. There was never an attempt on H's part to discuss marital concerns or to offer some time together to get to the bottom of what was really wrong. He wanted out of the marriage and he wanted out quick in order to keep from losing the girlfriend. The separation and filing for divorce are H's choices, not mine. My counterclaim to his filing is the consequence of these choices.

At great issue here is our marital home - our only real asset. We bought the house and nearly 3 acres of land as a "fixer upper". It was also chosen as a convenient location to his teaching position at the time in (name of city). The condition of the house is deplorable. Please see the included photographs. H has made few attempts since last summer to continue the renovations needed to even begin the selling process. I will not be saddled with the responsibilities of hiring contractors, dealing with real estate agents, showing the house, etc. My job is a 35 minute one-way commute. I am gone from 7:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. or later, five days a week.

H's schedule is much more flexible, but due to his complete, extreme enmeshment in his girlfriend's life, he has chosen to abandon me with this run-down house and care of our two dogs. He travels 400 miles every weekend to see her and has done so since August 2007. This is also someone who can give him monetary help if he needs it - someone who makes nearly twice my salary.

We still have a joint bank account. I insisted on this to ensure that our many bills continued to be paid on time. H is quickly maxing out his three new credit cards, adding to our already enormous debt. I am aware that this is his own debt now - but he is making the payments out of our joint account - totaling nearly $400.00 a month.

In January, for my own emotional health, I decided to end all contact with H while he is still involved with this other woman. We have not actually seen or talked with each other since this past August. His callous disregard for my well being during this time is a point well taken. If he insists on ending our marriage there is nothing more I can do and I will let him go. However, I will take my time with the divorce proceedings and will make sure the terms and conditions are in my best interest and will ensure financial stability for my future.

Thanks in advance for your opinions.

[kassie]

Silver Fox,
I hope to be helpful and supportive...
Hi, just catching up... IMO, I would not mention the OW and stick to talk about your R or how it changed. (Evidence of abandonment, or neglect of M duties, etc.)I think I would clean up the part about the house - prior agreements - like how it was purchased, plans to rehab it - what was accomplished or not of that plan - committments made about the plan to fix it up, like who would be available when etc. Maybe some estimates on what it would cost. I am also wondering if your statement to "end contact" would exhibit agreement to D without any intention otherwise.(please excuse me if I misread that one)

If not helpful.. sorry.

[Silver Fox]

Thanks Kassie,

I appreciate your support and advice. I may add more about the house but I was trying to keep it to one page - short and to the point so the mediator can read it and quickly grasp the situation.

I don't know how I can avoid mentioning the OW or if I really should? The extent of his involvement with her is EXTREME and he's lost all sense of responsibility. I feel like the mediator needs to know this.

Thanks again Kass.

I would also like to hear from some oldtimers. Puppy, Gucci, are you out there?