LoveNoMatterWhat's New Thread

[FaithfulH]

LNMW,

How are you?

How has it gone with your W since Monday?

How is your new job?

[forward]

LNMW, Hang in there.

Look at the marriage builders site & his idea of what makes people fall in love.

Your "balance" is out of the negative now. Some trust has begun. If you have a few little moments here and there, don't assume you're back to square one. Actions, not words....

I think your text was probably fine.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Hi all,

Well, things have been going well. It is as if whatever happened last Monday never happened and I feel that I've seen some visible progress being made. So here are the specifics.

This coming weekend we are going to go take a family picture. My wife was telling me that I need one for my new office. She had been wanting a picture with just her and our daughter - so I was surprised that she wanted me to be in it (well, maybe not that surprised :)). So I am excited about that.

Today she was asking me when I am going to start writing her cards again because she misses them. When we were dating I use to give her cards all the time with different notes in them about once a week. I think I am going to play it safe and start sending her cards, but keep it more on the relax side with no romantic gestures - and keep the frequency low just to test the waters.

This week she asked me if I got a house on my own, if we would get it in both our names because she wants to know that she and our daughter will have a play to stay. She no longer references the house she brought as hers, but says that the house is her best friends. She then tells me that we need to get out of debt so that if and when we get back together, we don't have the burden. Also, we both decided that every Wednesday was going to be family night when we go out to eat as a family.

Today she was at my place and we were just hanging out, watching tv and playing with our daughter. We then went out to eat and had a great time.

I can definitely see that trust has been building, but I also know that now (and never) is not the time to start slacking. There is still a lot of work to be done and I have to keep doing what is working.

As far as work goes, it was a stressful week with trying to get familiar with my new responsibilities, staff, etc. But overall, I am excited about this opportunity and what it could mean for my family. It is also a test of how committed I am to balancing work and family - and I think my wife sees that I am serious in making family a priority.

I apologize for taking some long to reply - just been real busy lately. Well, hopefully my next post won't take 7 days to come.

[FaithfulH]

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
Kahlil Gibran

LNMW,

Wow...cards, family pics, family dinners, buying a house together! I hope you also see that the "incident" of last weekend didn't throw the train off the tracks. If it hasn't already, it will become clear that this is a NEW relationship where the old behaviors are gone. Even your "incidents" will be different because you have learned what the lack of respect will bring you. In fact, there will come a time where you realize that your W wants to know YOUR needs even when they conflict with hers. Just keep working on how you share that without it creating conflict. And, I still think it is too early to initiate those discussions....only when asked. Even then, don't fall into the trap of unloading pent up stuff.....only VERY small doses of your needs.

Regarding the new house idea, I would even consider telling her..."I'm not comfortable buying a house together until you've made the long-term commitment to us as a family....but, that just means we'll wait until you are."

Before I forget, if you haven't done it already, please read Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerich....it is awesome and I think it will be timely given your current state. The quote at the top of my post came from an interesting article in the March issue of Men's Health titled "The Science of Heartbreak". The intro says, "As mysterious as love may be, the agony of its loss is an even more baffling experience, driving many men to depths of despair they never knew existed. Now, however, researchers have begun to see through our haze of pain, and understand that there's actually a method to our sadness." Great article if you can get ahold of it!

Glad to hear your new job is going well! I start my new job in Dallas this morning. My wife said to me yesterday before I left...."FaithfulH, this really feels right. This move is going to be different than any we've ever had (we've moved 9 times in 29 years). I feel really good about this!"

Praise God for our marriage restorations!

[lovenomatterwhat]

Right now I feel like I am at a critical point in this DB process. My wife is really beginning to open up more and I don't want to screw up this opportunity by being overly excited and doing something stupid. Right I feel like she is beginning to really give thought to whether or not she wants to make it work and I think a part of her is still afraid while another part of her wants to believe.

Last night she called me at around 4 am in the morning and just wanted to talk. She kept calling me by my pet name and being playful with me on the phone. She then would make comments like "so, are you going leave me again." I responded by saying that I am never going to leave again - that family is first. I think right now she is looking for assurance that I am not going to leave this time around.

Today we were talking and she was like, "you know, you are going to have to propose again if we get back together" and other such comments. I love my family so much and it seems like I am getting closer to having my family restored. Yet, at the same time I want to take caution. I remember reading in one of the DB books that it is important to not show overly excitement when the other spouse begins to open up.

Later that night she was telling that she still doesn't know whether or not to believe me. I told her that had a lot of anger, daddy issues (grew up with no father), guilt, regret and other problems that I didn't know how to deal with at the time. But now I realize that the only thing that matters in this life is family. The rest of the evening went well.

So, at this point it seems like the game plan should be to stick with what's working and keep doing what I am doing without becoming suddenly needy or appear anxious to get back together. Any other advice is welcomed.

By the way, how do you like your new job FaithfulH. I hope things are going well for you. Breton39, I always remember what you say "actions not words" whenever I start to doubt - so thank you. I hope you are doing well also.

[FaithfulH]

LNMW,

Thanks for the update! I think it is time for you to start stepping out with romancing your wife. The card thing is good....and you're gonna have to decide when is the time to pop the question. Realize that you may not get exactly the reaction you want to these overtures. I wrote a long note asking my wife on a date 30 days before our restoration began in earnest and she replied, "I'm not ready yet". I was devastated....but, one month later things moved forward with wild abandon. I'm sure some of the ladies here will have some great advice on this front as well. I am so happy for you and your W and daughter!

Regarding my job, it is going VERY well! Yesterday I got to meet the CEO and spend some time talking with him and it really reaffirmed to me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I feel like the loss of my job and this move to Dallas was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to me....right after my marriage restoration.

LNMW, I will anxiously watch for more great news from you!

[forward]

LNMW,

I am happy to read this; it sounds as if things are going really well. I'm betting you'll have periodic setbacks as she grapples with the situation and then eventually you'll have to address the issues that made you separate in the first place. That will be really hard, but I think you will be able to do it.

I like the idea of stepping up the romance. The part you wrote about the picture is interesting--I had written to myself at one point how much it would have meant if H had wanted to be in a family picture. Actually, you have me thinking that I need to get a picture taken.

Don't propose to her unless you are certain you are going to get a Yes. Which means that you've discussed it and you know where you stand.....

[lovenomatterwhat]

Hi all,

Wanted to give everyone an update. Well, things have been real good lately. My wife told me this week that she wants to make things work between us and that she would like for us to get remarried in about a year and a half or so. Words cannot describe how happy this makes me. I know that this process is far from over (although the process never truly ends), but I like how things are beginning to turning out.

Right now my wife and I have a lot of credit card debt, so we made a commitment to pay all our debts off in about a year and a half as we don't want that burden going into the marriage. Fortunately, my new job will allow us to do just that - although I will have to live a little tighter to make that happen. I really want to make sure that we can get a house when we get remarried and I know that that is real important to her -especially for our daughter.

I do admit, I am a little nervous - as the restoration of our marriage means the world to me. I so much want my wife and daughter to be happy. Yesterday she helped me move into my new office and it felt so good to hang our family portrait. Yesterday was also our first date I guess you can say as we dropped off our daughter at a friend's and went out for dinner. It was nice and she was very flirtatious.

I wish I could just hold her and tell her that I love her - but I know we are not quite there yet but at least I know we are moving towards that place. Last week my wife needed a lot of reassurance that I wasn't going to leave her and I kept telling her that that person is dead and that I am never letting go of our family again. This week she started to drop hints about the type of wedding she wants and overall we just seem more connected. What is really nice is that we've been falling asleep on the phone together and although it may seem corny, it means a lot to me that we do.

A few weeks ago I wasn't sure if I should start being romantic, but now I am sure that I need to start. Well, I will post more later, but wanted to share the good news.

[FaithfulH]

LNMW.

This is awesome....but, not at all surprising! This is the way the Lord works....keep the faith...be strong....be ready for any setback and take it in stride. You shouldn't be paranoid....but, you also can't be complacent (not that you are)....just a watchout as things improve. After nearly 2 years of restoration in my own marriage, I still need the occasional reminder that I shouldn't take anything for granted. Maintaining a great marriage involves both parties working hard to outdo the other with unconditional love. I am so excited for you, your W, and your daughter!

[FaithfulH]

Oh....and, if I were a bettin' man....I'd bet on 6-12 months....but that's just me!