OK, once again I will be honest here. It pains me, because I am such a complete and utter idiot. But, maybe all of my mistakes will help someone else eventually. 2X4 me all ya want, but you can do no worse than what I am doing to myself.
CMNM is NOT the name for me (Crazy Maker no more) as I fell right back into crazy making mode, full force.
Here's the deal:
I guess I obsessed for too long on all that was going on. Yes, I am divorced, and NO, I had no right to think any of the things I was thinking much less to act in the way I acted.
I was sitting here on my laptop, wondering what my XH was REALLY up to. I thought about the hotmail address that is attached to his IM account, and I wondered if I could get into it. Turns out I could. A simple password change is all it took.
I found several emails from a particular woman. He had nothing in his outbox. But, obviously there was something going on, as her emails (from March of last year up until this weekend- even though there were only 12 total) were full of professions of love, and signed with a nickname he had obviously given her.
The one in March of last year? Well, it was written only weeks after he sat me down and said he wanted to start fresh with me, with total honesty.
One in the fall? It was obvious he was sleeping with her. Even though he voluntarily told me he had dated someone but had NOT slept with her.
Another was sent at the time we were "dating" just in the last months.
Anyway, I read them and then had nothing to do but come clean. A simple text: Your new password to your hotmail acc't is XXXXXXX. I am sorry. I had to know the truth.
Him: You are unbelievable. That was none of your business. Goodbye.
Still in full-on crazymaking mode, I called him. It went to voicemail, and I apologized for the dishonesty. I said that I had no excuses, other than I just wanted the truth once and for all. I asked him to please talk to me. (I just wanted it all out there, so I can FINALLY get it thru my big head to move on already)
He texted me: We can talk tomorrow.
Me: Why not now?
Him: Because I am too angry and too tired. I will be no good to you.
And, that's that.
I guess there is nothing to say tomorrow, is there? I suppose I could apologize more, but I don't need to hear the truth anymore. It is out there. Now that I have it, well, I wish I didn't. Of course I didn't want to see the things I did.
I wanted to believe him when he was telling me that he is working on himself, that he is no good to anyone the way that he is. I wanted to, but I knew better. You could say that I already knew something was up (the date night), but I guess I wanted to shock myself out of caring/holding on. I was always looking for that little ray of hope.
Anyway, I guess I will see tomorrow how I feel, or if he even offers to talk. Is there anything to say? I feel so foolish and so regretful. I knew better.
No wonder he found someone else.
I let myself and my kids down. I don't think I have ever felt this low.
