My first step out of Newcomers

[Can it work]

It's Friday again!!! I have Wee Man this weekend too which always helps. I'm having a bit of a dilemma though. Right now when I get Wee Man for the weekend I pick him up on Saturday mornings and put him back to my W on Sunday evenings. I'm toying with the idea of asking if I can get him on Friday nights too. It's just because I never really have him for a full day where he gets up at my house, stays with me through the day, and then goes to bed at my house. The thing is, I'm worried because I may have started to make progress with my W and I don't want to bring up something which may cause friction. To be honest I don't mind picking him up on Saturday mornings because effectively I still get him for the whole weekend but it just bothers me that I never get him for a whole day. Am I being stupid? Any great words of wisdom would be most appreciated.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev,

In my book, any dad who wants to spend more time with his kid is a HUGE HERO.

Don't apologize for wanting more time with your son. State what you want and try to work it out politely. If anything, I think she will like the fact that you are so into Weeman. If she doesn't like it then she will in fact be living the consequences of her actions. Both of which are pluses for you. So why wait?

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Can It Work, I've been lurking or looking at your thread now & again. You have made some great progress. I see a confident, strong, fun, caring man here. Bravo on all your hard work!!!!

Yep, I had a DB coach for a bit too. They do make you think & in a different direction sometimes, don't they??

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Kev, How is Weeman, did you get him all weekend?

[Can it work]

Hi PM. Wee Man is great but I'm not. I don't know what's up with me this weekend. It's like emotionally I've gone back to square one. I'm getting absolutely no support at home about the idea of getting my marriage back. Absolutely nobody believes that my W is ever going to come back. How am I supposed to keep dealing with that? Every time I think I'm making any small kinds of progress, my own family and friends keep knocking me down. I'll be honest that I'm completely struggling to deal with this now.

It never helped when I took Wee Man back to my W this evening. I was hoping for a pleasant chat with her and for Wee Man to give her her mother's day present. When I arrived she had a house full of her hungover friends who had been there all day after they'd all been out last night. I told her I needed a word and we went through to the kitchen. I then told her that I'd prefer to have Wee Man on Friday and Saturday nights when I have him for the weekend. She said she'll think about it. She then asked me if I'd heard any of the rumours that are going around about her. Truth is I haven't and I really don't want to.

I really thought I was beginning to detatch well but today has put doubts in my mind. I have nobody here at all to talk to about this and it's making it difficult for me to get it off my chest.

Hopefully this feeling is going to pass again tomorrow because I really don't think I can go on like this. It's ripping me up inside. I know it's going to get easier but sometimes it's really really hard to believe that.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Sorry to hear today has not been a good PMA day. WE all have them, where certain actions hurt more than others. Detaching is a lot of work and there are many things blow you one step back - but keep taking that step forward. I would have been p*ssed too, to walk into a house full of hung over people.

Many of us here find that real life RL friends & family can easily be emotional bullies. (I've been there done that). I just don't talk about it anymore. I see this as my life, my journey, mistakes & all and that I need to grow & learn in a way that they RL may not understand.

Stay strong Mr!!

[davidswife]

Hi Kevin,

If your friends and family are bringing you down about your M, I would avoid talking about it with them. I know it makes it difficult, but if you're truly wanting to DB, you might need to get most of your support here.

Also, regarding your W, good for you for not digging for more info about the "rumors" that she mentioned. PLEASE, try to ignore it, and not find out what the "rumors" are. It will just drive you crazy, and if she finds out you're asking about her, she'll think you're being controlling, pursuing, etc. I think you handled that "rumor" comment perfectly.

Wishing you a wonderful day!

Stacy

[Can it work]

Thank you so much MsM and Stacy for contributing today. I really do feel like I'm needing support at the moment. It'd be nice to have someone supporting me at home though. May as well wish for it to rain beer though. My family hate my W for what she's done and if I went to her family it would no doubt complicate things.

MsM, I meant to reply to you yesterday when I saw you'd contributed. Thank you so much. The more support we can get on here the better I think.

Stacy it's also great to hear from you again. I'm glad you think I did the right thing where the rumours are concerned. I'm really really trying not to think about it too much. I don't want to know what the rumours are but if I think about it too much I make up the worst possible scenarios anyway.

I've been stewing in my own despair all night. Trying to watch some comedy to take the edge of but it is hard. I wish I knew what caused this hopeless feeling this weekend. What the most annoying thing is that it's caused me to believe that I'm not going to get my W back now. Has anyone else ever gotten to that stage and come back from it. I still completely love her but I just can't see her returning the feeling any time soon.

I'm angry at myself too. I spent most of last week encouraging a newbie who was just embarking on to a similar sitch to mine. God I hope he's not reading this! If you are reading this Mark, ignore me and please keep the faith. One thing I'm sure is making it so much harder is that I know I'm fighting against huge odds. I have no support at home, I recently bought my W out of our house so she's worth a lot of money, she's young and has loads of love coming from friends and family, her parents bought her a house, and she's beautiful young woman. It's a scary thing to have to compete against. I feel almost as though I've become surplus to requirements.

I've got the added joy this week that I'm getting audited at work for the next 3 days! It never rains it pours.

Anyway, I'm sorry if this post seems very disjointed but my mind's all over the place. Thank you all for your support. If I'm quiet over the next few days it's because of the audit. I'll try to check in at night though.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Kev, Do you think your low PMA is due to spending time with your mum? Early on in my DB efforts I would get p*ssed if someone was not at least a bit open minded as to what & why I was trying to save my M. My mum p*ssed me off plenty of times. It seems like your W has a lot of crutches propping her up at the moment. Only time will tell how long that lasts.

Don't beat yourself up too much about your low PMA. Sometimes it's easier to detach & other times it's a challenge. We all understand that here, that's for sure.

So did you have a good time with wee man?

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev,
I'd like to join in this discussion. The ladies are right on target here.

Here is the thing with family. Your own family does not want to see you get hurt again. So they try to talk you into moving forward into a new life without W. It's their way of giving you support so that you can stand up on your own and find a new path.

Your in-laws are probably wrecked with guilt at what their little precious daughter has done and probably feels part of the blame for her actions. No use talking with them if you want support because, like your family, they don't want to see you hurt anymore and want you to move on because their daughter has convinced them that living apart from you will make her happy, which is what they want for their little precious.

If you have tested the waters and no one supports your plans for Db'ing and reconciliation, then keep it close to your chest. If they ask, just say,'I'm doing OK and I'd rather not go into it right now.' Nothing more. They just want to know you are coping well. Then you do whatever you like. OK?

For support, you will find no other like DB'ers who are on this site. We are one determined group and all with the same goal. Because we don't know each other in RL, we don't hold back either. So we have no emotional currency to barter with. We all just support each other and help us go through the difficult parts and celebrate the successes. If you feel down or low, just vent here.

As for feeling low and then trying to come out of it. You have seen in my sitch that it's like waves. It comes and goes, maybe for no good reason. Just tell yourself that you WILL get through it. And it does pass. Sometimes for no good reason. You just wake up one morning and it feels better. It's when we get caught up and think that these bad feelings are here to stay that it does drag on forever. Negativity breeds negativity. So take out a pen and challenge your negative thoughts. The following strategy works well for me.

If you think your W does not love you, find evidence to prove the opposite, that she does care. E.g if she did not love me or care for me at all then we would be at the lawyers already with a D filed. If you think that she is out there with another guy, then why would she ask you if you have heard rumours? She is baiting you and pursuing you. She wants to know if you are still her puppy dog and hanging on to her every action. Her focus is on YOU!!!(You've turned the tables and you didn't even know it!) If you think she is partying too much, then think, it's just one party and doesn't mean it is happening everynight, maybe I am just over-reacting.

Kev, I want to emphasize that there is No SHAME in backsliding. You have a habit for coming on board and apologizing for not feeling your DB best. Don't worry. This is a safe place, you can be up or down or in between, it doesn't bother us, OK? You don't have to put up a front to impress us with your DB poweress. Just one step at a time. One step forward and another step closer to your goal. One step back doesn't mean you have to give up, OK? Just try to take something away when you have made a step backward then it will make you stronger for your journey.