Even though I don't want to spend much time on the BB until I heal a little bit, it feels GREAT to come back and find so much support from friends. Thank you!
I've spent a few hours with H on Friday - he was helping me with my mom's house, I asked him to a while ago. It was awkward at the beginning but then I started telling him that I'm fine with being friends as I think we should try and do it for our D18 and that he can call me if he wants to. H was visibly relieved and we were talking in a very friendly way all the way to my mother's place (H drove Spider's car. It is first time I agreed to get into it). Even though I've decided not to give his MLC another thought, I couldn't help noticing - he had beady eyes again and there were other signs that he's still deep in the fog.
Whatever.
I haven't heard from him since Friday and I don't want to.
Glam, he got back with Spider the day he came to pick up our dog and we've had our closing talk. He only had to give her a whistle, I guess, she was waiting for it patiently. What a woman!
I'm struggling with depression each and every day but I can see the light at the end of tunnel. At least I can IMAGINE that I will go on living without H and I will be all right. I take it one day at a time, thinking about past and/or future is strictly forbidden. I also forbid myself to imagine H with OW, something that always makes me angry or tearful.
I've also noticed that until recently I kept reminding myself of our good days together, as if I was afraid to forget what a great H I used to have and, I guess, to keep my love for him alive.
Now I'm doing the opposite - I focus on the changes in him, on his new ways which make him a stranger. It is easier to let go of the stranger that only looks like my H.
And I have let go completely. Finally! I should have done it ages ago!
Oh well, everyone has his own timing.
BTW, Beginners, I don't really consider myself a failure, but I think that I could have grasped the consept of letting go a little bit faster . As it is, it only took me two years .
It's too early for me to think that I've succeeded this time, I still remember how well I managed to detach in August-September and how I was back in limbo by the end of October. But at least now I know what NOT to do.
((((all))))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
. As it is, it only took me two years 
. 
