PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks 25yrsMLC, Karen, Hope and TxMom.

You all had good points and as it has taken me the last couple of days to process what you all said. In my mind, I keep flipflopping as to whether to stay here or to start the wheels in motion for the move. And since I have not had an R talk with H for months, I really don't know what is on his mind or if I am on his mind at all...

But I just want to make it clear, there is no bluff here. If I move, I move away for good. It is several hours flight away so H won't be driving over to visit us on weekends or anything. I am sensing that H would choose to visit his kids maybe three or four times a year max. That would be very sad for my children. It's a huge decision and one that I don't lightly that's why I didn't pull the trigger last year when I found out about A.

I have been DB'ing since August last year. Has things been better? Well, yes, slightly. But since A is hot and heavy, I don't think we as a couple can get anywhere. I think if we were to have any sort of a chance, the A would have to be over. That is why I am not expecting accountability or fidelity. My expectations as low on purpose. What I am doing is GAL'ing for REAL. This has given me a new sense of self, a new respect for my capabilities and a relief from the pain. I really have become the woman that only a fool would leave. I have look deep into my fears and confronted them and re-evaluated what it means to be married and be committed and adjusted my attitude towards M.

My anger is acknowledged but not acted on. I concentrate on giving him kudos on being a good dad now rather than the opposite which I used to do before. I have always listened to H, hours and hours everynight. And I continue to listen now but he has chosen not to talk to me anymore and not to share his life, his feelings, he has chosen to shut me out.
But is this change enough? No. He is going thru his own issues. He is seeing me change and have not made any comments to me. (Because he is not sharing.) I don't know if he has any regrets, I don't even know if he misses any part of our life together.

What I really want is for my H to come back and work on my M. If I can't have that then my backup plan is to move home closer to my family and be surrounded by family love. For me and my kids. My H would not be able to find a job in my hometown. It's a fact. It might as well be moving to the moon for him. So I am left with the same choice. Do I stay or do I go. No one can predict the future, I just don't want to give up at the wrong time. But the thing is, my MIL, H, my counsellor and a lot of people here almost have me convinced that H would not try in this M. My view of a reconciliation is pessimistic. My only hope is that the man who I fell in love with, the one who has integrity and love for me is still in there somewhere. I don't know how the man I knew could live with himself. I really don't.

25yrsMLC, you see the difference between a man with MLC and one who is always this way is that the one who was always selfish is just coming out of his shell and not afraid to show his selfishness. The man in MLC, I believe, is confused and causing hurt and not REALLY understanding consequences. So the difference is that I have compassion for the MLC'er and not the selfish guy. I believe that MLC guy is sick and can possibly be healed if someone (not me) can help him find the way. The selfish guy cannot be cured, it's chronic.

I have faced the fact that my H has chosen his job over me and kids. What I wonder now is with our C's help, can he really understand his own values and adjust his lifestyle to reflect his values. He is not a heartless, loveless H. I think his values have been compromised and he is looking at all the options (in a very destructive way). If he can find his way back to the family oriented guy I know that he can be, then all of this pain and wait will be worth it. If not, then I have taken this time out to improve on me and I should be happy with that.

I truly believe that if we choose to make a 'go' of it, we can do a whole lot better because we know ourselves and our partners better now. We can accept each other's fault and find the mature love, acceptance and compassion that can come from a long, deep love. I would love to have this with H. But maybe it's time for me to consider other options as well.