Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Had a good talk with D and her fiance (I'll call him E). D left message on H's cell saying "we need to talk...please call me" but H hasn't. She says she will not "apologize" first because she feels that then H will never face the stuff she feels he did to her in her childhood. But, she sort of hopes to just say "we were both wrong, we were both right, can we just stop the stalemate and move forward for my daughter??" I told her to not be surprised if H is not ready to go that route, and gave her some "DB" pointers.

D and E are going to stay at my place while S17 and I go to CA. They were living in an apartment with E's roommate, but now that is not a very viable alternative with the new baby. I e-mailed H about the possibility of them moving in to the house (the one that we lived in before moving to my apartment....the one H was supposed to be doing work on, but he's been dragging his feet). Anyway, it is livable, and E has said he can help with doing the work on it. And then I'll get to see my GD daily!! I hope H goes for it.......

I have a headache that just won't quit, and every time I think of my H "seeing someone exclusively", it makes me sick to my stomach. D24 said that she heard about it from my mother. In fact she said that my mother is angry at her because H told her about the nasty e-mails she sent him. My mom has told D24 that she needs to apologize for those because H doesn't want to come see her because he's afraid of rejection. I don't get this at all. Why is H even talking about stuff with my mom?? I don't really mind it. I've been in touch with his mom. But, H has not been happy with my mom because of her "enabling" of my brother's drinking and all.......I mean he really has a expressed a dislike for my mom, so why is he "talking" to her?? I suspect it's more manipulation, because he knows whatever he tells her, she'll tell it to everybody, so he's using her.

I get so sick of the deceipt and subterfuge!! My sweet baby grand-daughter deserves better than this messed up family! I just held her and cuddled her tonight after feeding her. She went to sleep in my arms and I just never wanted to let her go! She is so beautiful and precious!

The idea of living with both my kids and GD is very attractive to me, and H thought it was a great idea when I mentioned it to him on Friday. But, I know that he thinks that because then he feels he can "get out from under" that house, and he can take the "dream house" with a clear conscience. That so feels like emotional rape to me. I was the one that pushed for that property and that house. We were able to do it because of loans from my retirement account. I now see that I was trying so hard to buy his love and acceptance and happiness. For him to take it and go live his "new life" happily in it just rips my very heart out of my chest!! I have told him this, and he had promised me in front of the kids that he wouldn't do that. But now he just says that hopefully I'll get over that.

I'm so freakin' depressed right now.