Peace - I haven't checked the boards in a long time. Between my job and the kids - I just never seem to have a minute. But tonight I just felt that I should check in....and look for your posts.
I am so sorry about your divorce, and what you are going through - especially with how your ex is treating your children.
I wish I could give you some good advice on letting go of the anger. I know I have let go, but I don't know what the magic trick is to do this. I look at H now and really do think of him as one of the most pathetic people that I know. And I don't mean this in a nasty way - I really almost (emphasis on almost) feel sorry for him. At times I do think about how hard it is to watch someone that I used to love hit bottom in so many different areas - but I usually get over this quickly now. I make an effort not to waste energy thinking about him.
The only time that I do feel angry is when he does hurt the girls in some way. But I am slowly trying to let go of this as well. As much as I want the girls to have their father in their lives - I do realize that I can't control his actions or make him see what is right and what is wrong (I came to this realization after he tried to explain to me why it is perfectly fine to have his girlfriend sleep over when he has the girls - the girls are now both teeenagers.....great example!). He still chooses his GF and/or her children over his own children at times - and they see this. But again - I can't control his relationship with his kids - I do nothing to poison it - but I no longer try to fix his mistakes.
As far as the rage - I simply don't put up with it. H tries to do this to me as well. The minute he starts, I tell him that I have not spoken to him that way and would appreciate it if he doesn't speak to me that way. If he continues, I tell him that we are going down a bad road and I will talk to him later. And I end the call. I do this with both the anger and the sarcasm. He has also tried these approaches in emails. I simply don't respond to the email. For this most part, this works for me. This doesn't mean that he isn't mean or sarcastic - I mean that I am more at peace because I just don't listen or respond to it anymore.
Peace - I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and am incredibly sad that your D is final. I know it is not the outcome that you hoped and prayed for. But please take some comfort in knowing that you did everything that you could to try and save your marriage.
And while this is easier said than done, don't waste any more energy being angry at H. Redirect this energy (postive, of course) to your kids - continue to love them, continue to be a positive role model for them, continue to be there for them no matter what. They deserve all of your energy now....your H does not.
