Standing on the Edge

[native]

'I totally agree with sharing where you are going & what you are doing. In a good M or R that's just expected & usually offered without asking. I suppose it goes back to control and how one feels. Anger & resentment go hand in hand. Just as Love & respect go hand in hand'

Thank you... I was beginning to think I was being unreasonable in expecting this to be part of a respectful relationship.

I don't know where the control accusations are coming from exactly. It seems the issues were ones she struggled with growing up in dealing with her mother. She once said her mother would take her paycheck from working at a her first job to pay for household needs without asking.

In our relationship, $$ and how it was managed was a real problem. We could never get on the same page. I just finally kept her out of the loop because she would react in a panic whenever I tried to tell her our situation. I wanted a reasoned, planned, long term strategy for getting out of and staying out of debt. She would want to sell the house for less than market value or other panic driven solutions to deal with debt.

When I kept telling her we did not have the $$ to buy this or that, she eventually rebelled. At least it seems that this was a big part of her frustration.

Well, she's a big girl now, and gets a monthly paycheck that is about $400 more a month than she did last year at this time. And though she pays nothing on our credit card debt, nothing on our mortgage, she spends every bit of her paycheck in two weeks, and is broke for the rest of the month.

Incidentally, this was a pattern she had in college. Her grandparents would send her money monthly, but it was spent in 2 weeks and she would practically starve until the next check.

Her 25 yo. cousin, Adam, who makes less than she does, gave her $40 out of frustration bc she was going to go to Charlotte with our D to spend the weekend with a childhood friend and her family, but had no $$ for gas or food. She was talking about possibly needing to sell her new car, but Adam lectured her on the fact that she would end up owing $$ bc she could not get what she paid for it (something I had told her for years about the depreciation of buying a new car off the lot). He said all she needed to do was to make a budget and not splurge and she would be able to afford her rental house and the car and other necessities. From what I gather, she listened unenthusiastically . (Budget? What a strange concept).

A few days ago we went out to eat as a 'family'. I paid. She casually asked me how my work was going. I told her that I had prayed for enough work to pay my bills and that work was being provided. Of course, our bank accounts are still visible to each other, so she sees what I am making. She knows I am making close to twice what she is making each month.

I hope she will start to appreciate the fact that she is not the greatest $$ manager in the world and get a clue. However, she is living like she said she never would, just like her parents who both live from hand to mouth each month, even though W has a steady paycheck and they never did.

About that paycheck, the latest news flash is that the UNC university system is going to have to cut a number of jobs due to budgetary restraints. While it would be ironic for her to lose her job, I do not wish it on her. I don't like seeing her in pain, but some pain is inevitable on the way out of the land of Stupid.