Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[sandi2]

Hi Thinker, sorry I've been out of touch lately. Scanned over your recent post trying to catch up.

So I got that look from my W tonight. The look that I haven't seen in a while. The look that says "I am miserable, I hate what is going on in my life, I blame you for all of it, and I am not going to talk about".

I have learned to fear that look.

I understand what you mean by fearing that look. I really think you meant that you "dread" it b/c if she ever knew you "feared" that look then she would use it as her power over you to control. In fact, she probably does. It seems to me that is exactly what she wants.....complete control in her life, in her M, in everything. She has learned that she has no control over death and that it can take the people she loves and she never learned how to deal with that. Now, she may have to go through with it again before she is ready.....and in fact, she is in a less stable condition than when her father died.

Remember that when you are pulling back or "detaching" that it is always in a loving was (as much as possible, anyway) and never act cold or rude to her. However, I think you must be very firm with her b/c she is acting way too childish about things and when a woman acts childish, then she has to be dealt with as if she is a child. I feel like I am going agains my own gender saying this! I remember that was the number one thing that I always hated was if my H began to talk to me as if he were my father instead of my H. I always called attention to it by reminding him that he was NOT my parent. But, what I meant by dealing with her childish ways and being firm with her.....is not to actually talk or treat her like you are her father b/c that will only cause more of her wrath, but be stronger than her and show her your strength of steel but talk softly to her as if you are using all the patient in the world. For an example....the toilet seat. This has always amused me b/c I don't see the big deal women make out of it. The men have to raise it up, so what if we have to put it back down? Anyway, I have know several women who make a very big issue out of it, and it looks like your wife is going to be one of them.

The next time she crawls your case about it, just look at her very stern (but not mean) and say in a very soft, low, firm voice that you try to remember to put the seat back down, but there are times that you do forget and you do not intend to start keeping a scoreboard by the toilet as to when you are a good boy and when you aren't. Tell her there are more males in the house (if I remember correctly) than females and that she will have to deal with it if you or one of the boys forgets to leave it up. (Of course, I'm sure she is talking about your personal bathroom, but that is the general idea, anyway.) That is such a silly issue to throw a fit over and I'm not so sure I would let her know that it is very childish to base a R on whether a toilet seat is up or down. Besides, you could look at it as her being inconsiderate by not putting it back up!

As far as being supportive while she is going through this "giving her space" ordeal........just try to do all you can to take the burden of the household chores and spend time with the kids. And, btw, when she throws that next fit about you going out with them or her not being included......I would remind her that she was the one that wanted space and that you were trying your best to abide by her wishes, but if she wanted to be included, she needed to make up her mind and let you know since you cannot "read" her mind. It does take a lot of time and patient, but sometime people need a 2x4 to make them see how unreasonable they are being. However, try to always keep a strong manly voice that is spoken softly and not yelled. That has more affect on a woman than any other way.

Take care and hope it gets better soon.

P.S. I guess you could tie a huge pink bow on the toilet seat as a reminder.....LOL.

Sandi