H always says that I am the "nicest person he knows". Maybe being "nice" isn't all it is cracked up to be?
Treat them mean - Keep them keen ... so they say
In my sitch definitly. I was super b*&^%$ , angry for the last 10 yrs of M. had an A. got with the program after that and became a lovely W and hello....H left !
Hi Abby, just got my computer back and running. Hope it holds up this time. Anyway, how are things going by now? Did that list help you any at all?
Being nice makes it hard to "pull back" and not jump to do wonderful little "nice" things for your H, but in your case, I think if you were not quite so quick to be ready to please him and wait on him hand and foot (if you do), then he may stop taking your for granted (if he does). I know I could have been a lot nicer to my H and done more favors and waited on him more, but I'll say this.....he never took anything "nice" that I did, for granted. (lol) He appreciated every thing I did b/c he knew I did not "always" do that everytime.
Anyway, let us hear from you and tell us how you are doing.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You guys are the best.....seriously! Thanks Sandi for checking in. Things are up and down. I don't know what to think. H and I still get together with friends and IT IS SO HARD for me not to confide in my girlfriends and family. Still feel lonely. I am guilty of being overly attentive but not so much lately. Just try to be polite, get him a glass of water before bed, massage his back when it hurts, blah blah blah.
Yesterday, my son pitched his first game as a senior. Did great and was proud of him! H showed up and wasn't too late (miracle). I drove to the game with some friends as it was about an hour away from home and asked if I could drive back with H. He said of course. So on the way home we met some other baseball parents for drinks/pizza. Had fun. I notice all of the silly things now....like when my friend's husband rubbed her back (jealous) and my other friend's husband hugged her from behind (jealous). Meanwhile, when we drove home together, I felt the need to be chatty to avoid complete SILENCE in the car. When I did shut-up, it was evident that he wasn't going to initiate any conversation. AWKWARD!!!!!!
So....got home, he slept on the couch and I slept in our room. That really bothers me. Plus....this morning he said "Hi Ab" instead of "Hi Hun". Now, all phone messages are "Hi Ab". I know this seems silly and insignificant but it kills me! Plus, he hasn't showered at home for a few days. I guess he goes to the gym...but where are the dirty gym clothes? There aren't any. Hm-m-m-m. I need to stop the overthinking!
Sandi, your list was fantastic. I am working on some things. Gym workouts have been a lifesaver! Music is always soothing and a blessing. Have taken some great beach walks with my dogs.
Beiog a person who is very, very affectionate and can't seem to receive enough physical affection in return....must be extremely hard for you. No doubt that is your LL b/c that is what you want to "give". However, under the circumstances, I would suggest that you pull back on all of your attentive ways toward your H. Yes, I realize that is expecting a lot from a loving person who not only wants to give physical affection but service to other (which is probably another of your LL). But you see, your H is seeing this as "smothering" and that is not a good thing! Your acts of service when you do things, get things, etc. for him is either taken for granted or actually a "turn-off" b/c it is coming across as your way of begging for his attention. In other words, trying to get any crumbs he throws out there. You do not want to be that type of person do you? I don't think you ARE that person, but I think in his frame of mind he SEES you as being that person. A huge 180 would be to stop your acts of service and the physical affection (even back rubs) unless he asks you for it.
I can tell by your posts that you are way over focused on your H b/c you are watching every move he makes and you are jealous over things you shouldn't be. If you are working on yourself and you feel confident enough about who you are as a woman, then another woman getting a little attention should not be a threat or make you feel jealous. I understand those feelings! I think I know where you are coming from. However, it means that you are not self-assured as a woman and you need to feel so good about yourself that you can be the center of attention of the entire room or sit in a corner and just smile while somebody else is getting the attention.....and still feel confident and certainly not threatened by jealous feelings.
As far as the non-talking while in the car.....believe me when I say that I have lived that scene so many times (almost everytime I'm in the car with my H) that it has actually gotten where it does not bother me. So, please get to that place that you do not HAVE to fill in every minute with conversation. In fact, it is nice for the man when there is that constant chattering from the wife. Truth be known, they would love to just tell us to shut up and let there be peace in the car....but most don't. So that would be another 180 for you. When in the car, wait for him to control the conversation, and if he doesn't say a word......do not try to fix the silence by chattering b/c he will not appreciate it. Okay?
Thank you for being so open b/c that helps to know how to respond back with suggestions. I know it is so hard right now, but I do believe it you become the woman he would want to pursure instead of you pursuing him......things will take a significant turn in your R. He will notice that you are not chattering all the time. He will notice that you aren't hanging all over him. He will notice that if he wants you to do anything, he has to ask for it. So that makes him get his mind onto you......which is a good thing.
Please try very hard on what I have suggested. Come here and post to us about how he responds to all of this. It should be interesting to see what unfolds.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, Thanks for your words of wisdom once more! Had to look up what LL was (love language).
Ever since H went to play tennis on tuesday, his back has been completely screwed up. So he has asked me to massage his back about 3x since then. I didn't volunteer, but he asked so I did. Didn't take it any further than that but wanted to!
This a.m., saw H at the gym but I left early. Came home quick, showered and met some friends for breakfast so wasn't here when he came home. Didn't leave a note or a message (SO UNLIKE ME). I feel bad but shouldn't because I don't know what the H*LL he does with his spare time anymore. I feel like I'm playing games.
I will try not to "fix the silence" like you suggested the next time that arises. Good advice.
My question about 180 is that his issue was "I never initiated sex". If I do a 180 and be the initiator, do you think that is still pursuing? He doesn't seem to mind when I do, but then is usually distant the next day.
Me 44 H 50 S 18 D 15 M 19 /T 22 R in trouble/says he plans to leave later this year
I thought I'd throw out a couple of tidbits from my own sitch...don't know if they'll help or not, but...
After I confirmed that there was OW in the picture (I knew about her just wasn't completely certain of the nature of their R), I decided to "win" him back. For 2 months after he moved out, we had an affair (for lack of better term). He was probably seeing her when he wasn't with me (but, I never asked). The sex was incredible...best we'd ever had. I thought I might be making progress. He agreed to see Fireproof with me. We went. He said he was "touched." And, then, the very next night on a Cub Scout camping trip with the kids he left the campsite to call her from the parking lot just after we put the boys to bed. I caught him there on the phone. That's when I knew...he was simply cake eating. I was making no progress (or at least not enough to combat the progress she was making). The next weekend he contacted and asked to come over after the kids went to bed. I said, "No. I won't be 2nd place anymore." He went to far as to say, "You've never been 2nd place, always been 1st place. I wish I could make you understand."
The bottom line is I don't regret those 2 months...we shared some laughs and some very intimate discussions. At times I felt closer to him than I'd felt in years. But, I couldn't sustain that type of R very long. It wasn't healthy for me. So, while I don't regret allowing the cake eating, I don't necessarily encourage it in others either.
I should also say that during the "cake eating" stage of our R, he did most of the pursuing. He called me and asked me to come over or called and asked if he could come over or called and asked me to send him sexy pictures or whatever.
I might also point out that when I ended it, he was no closer to coming home than he was when he first announced his plan to leave the house. The affair with him did nothing to improve the outlook for our marriage.
So, I'd say, if you want to initiate sex, that's okay...if it is truly a 180 for you. Others here will say you shouldn't...but, we can't all agree on everything...they told me not to give in as well! But, there can be no expectations about it. None. I think you have to assume that he might be involved (at some level) with someone else and you have to be okay with your decision to have sex even so. My DB coach also said during that time that I should try to make the sex playful...just sex on my part...instead of putting pressure on him to fulfill some emotional need before or afterwards. Instead of trying to get affection afterward, I should just get up and go about my day, etc. That's hard if you don't operate that way!
You should read some of my old threads...from August - October of 2008. I think I put them in order from 1st through 5th below.
But, whatever you decide, you need to make the decision about you not about him. All your decisions at this point have to be about you not about him. You have to take care of you and you have to start thinking about what your life will look like without him in it...because that is a possibility. And, if you can do that, you might be amazed at how well you can do! And, once you realize that, detachment will be easy!
Take care of you, abby...that's the most important thing!!!
Hugs to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Amy, I started ready your first thread...all I can say is WOW! You have been through so much. Will keep reading through your sitch since it does sound in some ways similar to mine.
H is still living here, no talks of his moving out since 2/15. In fact no talks about our relationship since then. Have had plenty of sex Definitely more than before December. Few times a week. Last night I wore a new dress out for cocktails and H actually commented later that he loved the dress and that it accentuated my curves. One thing lead to another...
Yeah, I guess you could call this the "cake eating" phase. Still not positive about OW, but assuming he is with her sometimes. Since I enjoy the physical contact, for right now I am going to go with it.
All other DB principles I am trying to stick to.
For today, I am not so concerned that after he works he will go see OW. For today I am headed to the gym and then a friend's play this afternoon. So just for today, I am trying to focus on me.
Thanks again for your situation threads. My computer is going to be worked on this morning so later I hope to finish reading your sitch!
The "sex issue" is so personal for each stitch that I think you will have to be the one to make that decision. For me.....I could not do it. On the other hand, if you read AmyM's thread, you will see where I actually suggested having an affair with her H to try to draw him back into the home again. First of all, they were still legally married, and second of all.... she was madly in love with him and the sexual chemistry was so strong....and she kind of liked that idea instead of throwing in the towell without trying it. But, like she said, even though it was good, it did not help him to overcome the hold the OW had over him. So, since you are a person who needs a lot of phyical affection, it may help "you" to iniate the sex. But let me add this quickly....never do anything if it makes you feel degraded in any way. If he is treating you like dog poop.......don't try to make love to him b/c he could look at that as seeing that he gets sex by treating you badly. Sex should not be a reward nor a punishment, but you do not want to make love to a man that has treated you badly all day or talked ugly to you.
I would just suggest that you work on some other 180's first and see how that goes and how his temperment goes and then maybe you will know if you want to make that step.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
