Most Difficult Time of My Life

[Kokopelli]

Thanks Fitchik. I did not contact or respond to W at all on Thursday. Yesterday she called me around 2pm. I let it go to VM and she called back and then texted me. I responded that I was at lunch and asked what ? she had. Told her I'd call within 15 minutes. She called me back again in 15 minutes. Was at the insurance agents office and needed my consent to split the cars onto separate policies. Didn't fight it, whatever.

2 hours later got a text message from her saying "call when you can, I want to talk about going the mediation route:)" Waited about 30 minutes and then called back. We made a bunch of small talk about the new gym she's trying out and going to the lake with her parents the day before. Then she said she talked to her attorney and he said that it would be cheaper and faster to go the mediation route. She said sign us up for our sessions.

Okay, small battle I won, but I think she's open to it because she thinks it will be a faster process. I ended the conversation saying "Ok, I'll call monday and set something up for us later in the week, I'll let you know when it is...have a great weekend!" She responded nicely and we ended the call.

30 minutes later, got a text from her that she was able to take herself off one of our joint credit cards and that she would "pay her portion" of the balance at the end of the month. No response from me.

15 minutes later another text that she was able to take herself off another credit card account and telling me her friend is getting married next month. This friend is actually how we met. Her friend was dating my friend and we got introduced to each other. I did not respond again.

Went out GAL'ng last night. Went to happy hour with a group of friends (I did not drink however) and then we went cosmic bowling. Funny how little things hurt. The bowling alley we went to is the first time I've been back there since my W and I went on a date bowling there 8 years ago...reminded me of us.

Dad called me late. He was a groomsmen in a friends wedding last night and he said he was really bothered by the part when they exchanged vows because he thought of me and W and how a lot of people say the "good times & bad, sickness & health, richer or poorer, till death" part but don't really mean it. He said lots of people mean until the times get tough, and then they're out of there. Kind of reinforced the DB principles for me and how I do not want to give up on us.

It made me sad also though because I know W was probably out with OM last night and not thinking about the promises that had been made nearly 5 years ago...I have been feeling stronger daily though. Shorter durations of crying every day, usually after I get back from the gym or as soon as I wake up from another sleepless night and nightmares of my W.

W is maid of honor in her BFF's wedding in 3 weeks. I am hoping that she'll hear them exchange vows and it will hit her and cause an epiphany. I know that I am reaching big time on this one though. She's in fantasy land for sure, I don't think anything is going to alter the course of this. I really hate life right now. Feel very lonely and sad most of the time. Like I said, I am able to function a bit more, but still feel crappy majority of the time.

I have been getting more insight into W's role in our issues. I know most of the blame lies on me, but she definitely contributed also. We have not been communicating well for several months. That's a big part, if not the mian part, of why we are where we are.

Trying to figure out what to do with myself today. All my friends are married or in serious R, sucks to be around them for me. Don't want to go to work in my office (even though I need to), I feel claustrophobic in there and anxious to get out. Maybe I'll go blow a bunch of money on new clothes and things at the mall like W!? I have lost 16lbs in the last 3 weeks...I'm not even overweight! Gives me an excuse to go buy some tight fitting shirts and what not though...

I don't know. Dreading the move into the apartment next week. I know I'm going to feel very, very lonely. No doggs, no familiar surroundings, etc.

Just keep hoping for a breakthrough here! I know they say it takes TONS of patience. I keep reminding myself that I'm only 1.5 months into this process and that miracles happen everyday. Wish she would get away from her enabling circle, might help the cause. But, I can't fix this right? Just gotta let her deal with her own chit.