Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I know, Glam. I know. I actually felt like I was finally pretty detached. I don't know why his having a girlfriend hit me so hard. Maybe it's because of my GD. She's so very beautiful, and H has absolutely no feeling of wanting to see her. I hurt so much for my daughter. And I'm so embarassed and ashamed at the state of our family when I talk to my daughter's "in-laws". And I'm so angry at H for doing this! And it's so unfair for him to get away with it! And this is so not how I imagined we would become grandparents together. I know I need to stay detached!! And I'm so angry at myself for allowing him this power over me! I have so very much to be thankful for. It's HIM that's missing out on something very very precious!! Seeing our daughter finally coming into her own. Loosing the respect of his son. It's all his loss! And maybe tomorrow I will really feel that way, but not right now. Right now I'm angry and I hate him!! I really do!!

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

SC---

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} sweetie!

Do not focus on him at all. He is so not worth your time and trouble. I will be in the alt later. Hope to see pics of the new sweetie in there soon!

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[dl443322]

Hey S, you could be angry - you are human. Go ahead and be angry, scream, punch a pillow, throw a plate, just dont do any of it in front of your h or your children for that matter.

Then after you've done that, find something fun to do, something that makes you feel good.

Your daughter has had a lot of difficulties, poor thing. I cant imagine how she must have felt all those years, not knowing why she is the way she is. Be there for her.

You are in a position to become even closer to your children. I know you want to be honest, and thats ok. But, dont soil your emerging relationships with them with talk of your h.

Of course you want to know what he did or didnt do to your daughter growing up. But there is nothing you could do to change what happened. Let it go. Let him go. Move forward with your life, S. Really and truly.

Count your blessings and you have many. Cherish those who deserve it. You are a wonderful human being. Share yourself with those that can appreciate that.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you [[[[[[[[SMW & BM]]]]]]]]

I am feeling a little better this morning. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm so exhausted. But, I'm OK. What matters is my kids and grand-daughter. I am so very lucky to have them. They are the light of my life!! And I feel so sorry for H that he apparently doesn't have the capability to feel this. He is missing out of the absolute greatest joy that this life can offer.......but that is his loss I know, and I will not allow my sorrow for him to ruin my experience of that joy!

I don't know anymore if I would even ever want H back even if he were to have some sort of an epiphany and what to try to reconcile. I think about PMA and "being the greener grass" when I have contact with him, and I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't mean I want to attack him or anything (although that thought does hold some good fodder for fantasy), but I mean that I don't think I'm capable right now of being "friendly" or "positive". I neither like nor respect the man he has become. I can be cool and cordial, but no more than that.

[glamgirl]

Yes SC that is why you don't need to contact him. Anything that needs to be said do it through e-mail. Limit your interactions, because you aren't feeling loving and supportive, so NO need to talk. You will feel so much better when you distance yourself.

The bottom line is that you can't stop any of this from happening. Meaning you can't make your h be a loving supportive h, loving father and grandfather, stop him from dating. You see you have NO control. As much as we want to shake these men and hold up the mirror and try to get them to think of what they are doing. IT JUST WON"T WORK. Sorry that is the grim reality. So what do you do?

That is WHY SC you step back focus on you, look the other direction and not concern yourself with h's life. He doesn't want your concern right now anyway. Then only then, maybe your h can focus on himself and see his wrongs and that is NO guarantee.

This is the hard part, but seriously what do you need to discuss with your h that can't be handled through e-mail. I even think you could have sent him an e-mail regarding GD and then let him call you if necessary. You see SC let your h drive the communication, not you.

Let him go for now! Everytime you go reach for your phone, send an e-mail instead and ask yourself is this communication really necessary right now. We want to keep in touch because we think it's our last hope, but it's not.

As you can see by my sitch, it really helped my h process what he was going through by me not contacting him for every little thing. I stopped contacting him and allowed him to contact me and then kept it loving and brief. You know like fleeting moments of brightness.

How about instead of cool and cordial, you just don't contact him for awhile. I think you have c meetings with s17 and h, but just show up. No reminders for your h, he is an adult. If you have something to discuss just send an e-mail.

Do you think this approach will work for you? Remember NO excuse to call your h. We all know what those excuses are. We think of anything to contact our h's about, because we want to hear their voice, see if they are thinking of us, probing for R talks, you name it we look for it.

Have a good weekend regardless. Are you going to CA? Maybe you can stop by and we can have lunch this week. What do you think? Send me an e-mail.

[sandycay]

Hey SC.... I'll call you later..... Glam said it all but you know this no contact thing is the only way to go...I am sorry and that's the only thing I can say right now... really, really sorry but I know your future is bright because you are like a light that was dimmed for to long by your H..... it seems you were always trying to please him and never could get it right.... Your ok hon .. and you know this..... it's not you it's him.

Love You

LP

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, Glam & sandycay.

I've been so tired today and haven't done anything really. Today is S17's "day off" and he went over to a friends house. I have spoken to him though and his voice sounds clear so I'm hoping he's not "doing anything".

I am just now heading over to see K (that's GD). I waited because she is still in the nursery because she is still on a monitor for blood sugar (she off the antibiotic). Since she's in the nursery, one of the parents has to accompany anybody who goes to see her, and D24 really needs to rest before going home (hopefully tomorrow). She had a C-section, but she seems to be recovering very well.

[[[[[Glam]]]]], I don't know if I'll be heading south to CA on Friday night (the 27th) or Saturday morning. I would love to meet up with ya'!! I'll be in touch.

[[[[[sandycay]]]]], I'll be back home late tonight, after K's 10pm feeding. If you want to call that's OK with me, but I'm thinking you'll be asleep too. So, if not, I'll talk to you tomorrow!!

D24 did call me a couple hours ago and asked me to call H and "try to talk him into calling me". I told her that he definitely wouldn't answer any call I made at this point. I'm wondering if she called him and if so how that went. I so hope he didn't hurt her........

[Silent Chrleader]

Had a good talk with D and her fiance (I'll call him E). D left message on H's cell saying "we need to talk...please call me" but H hasn't. She says she will not "apologize" first because she feels that then H will never face the stuff she feels he did to her in her childhood. But, she sort of hopes to just say "we were both wrong, we were both right, can we just stop the stalemate and move forward for my daughter??" I told her to not be surprised if H is not ready to go that route, and gave her some "DB" pointers.

D and E are going to stay at my place while S17 and I go to CA. They were living in an apartment with E's roommate, but now that is not a very viable alternative with the new baby. I e-mailed H about the possibility of them moving in to the house (the one that we lived in before moving to my apartment....the one H was supposed to be doing work on, but he's been dragging his feet). Anyway, it is livable, and E has said he can help with doing the work on it. And then I'll get to see my GD daily!! I hope H goes for it.......

I have a headache that just won't quit, and every time I think of my H "seeing someone exclusively", it makes me sick to my stomach. D24 said that she heard about it from my mother. In fact she said that my mother is angry at her because H told her about the nasty e-mails she sent him. My mom has told D24 that she needs to apologize for those because H doesn't want to come see her because he's afraid of rejection. I don't get this at all. Why is H even talking about stuff with my mom?? I don't really mind it. I've been in touch with his mom. But, H has not been happy with my mom because of her "enabling" of my brother's drinking and all.......I mean he really has a expressed a dislike for my mom, so why is he "talking" to her?? I suspect it's more manipulation, because he knows whatever he tells her, she'll tell it to everybody, so he's using her.

I get so sick of the deceipt and subterfuge!! My sweet baby grand-daughter deserves better than this messed up family! I just held her and cuddled her tonight after feeding her. She went to sleep in my arms and I just never wanted to let her go! She is so beautiful and precious!

The idea of living with both my kids and GD is very attractive to me, and H thought it was a great idea when I mentioned it to him on Friday. But, I know that he thinks that because then he feels he can "get out from under" that house, and he can take the "dream house" with a clear conscience. That so feels like emotional rape to me. I was the one that pushed for that property and that house. We were able to do it because of loans from my retirement account. I now see that I was trying so hard to buy his love and acceptance and happiness. For him to take it and go live his "new life" happily in it just rips my very heart out of my chest!! I have told him this, and he had promised me in front of the kids that he wouldn't do that. But now he just says that hopefully I'll get over that.

I'm so freakin' depressed right now.

[Silent Chrleader]

D24 and K were released from hospital today. Went to E's parents house as planned.

H has texted D24 and agreed to meet in "neutral" place. They talked about meeting Tuesday at the house, but that is up in the air due to H's schedule. I don't think D should be out and about so soon after the C-section. She says she wants me with her when they meet, but I don't think that would be such a good thing. S17 has suggested that I tell her to meet with him during the week he and I are in CA. H can come over to my apartment and see the baby and be D24 can be comfortable. I think that's a good idea.

I have been trying to rest and relax all day. I try to nap, because I didn't really sleep the last couple nights but it seems that I doze for maybe a half hour or so and then jerk awake. Yet, I'm so tired. I keep thinking of the fact the H is probably with OW and I am so very angry. It just kills me!!

My mom called me today and I asked her not to allow H to manipulate her the way he has been doing. My brother also got on the phone and asked about my trip to CA. He says he would like to go too (he has lots of friends down there). I told him he was welcome (we could use another driver) so long as he can remain sober. He said he would......I sure hope he means it.

I'm going to go try to watch a movie......and then take something to help me sleep......I have to be functional tomorrow at work......

[Silent Chrleader]

Ended up not going to work today (Monday). I took something to help me sleep, since I really hadn't slept in 3 days, but I was so groggy in the morning that I decided to take another day.

Went over to D's in-laws and held K for a couple hours. S17 got to hold her for the first time. D is going to meet H at the house tomorrow evening. I called D to discuss that because I didn't want her set up for more hurt. H said that he would, reluctantly, accept the idea of just moving forward with "apology", but that "they need to feel pain for the decisions they made in bringing this baby into the world when they could care for it properly". He thinks absolutely that D planned and knew she was pregnant. Because of D's past he has some reason to think that, but I don't agree, and feel that even if that were the case, what matters is our grand-daughter. H says he doesn't agree.

I had a couple of really heavy talks with him.....nothing new.....and I'm sure it just pushed him deeper into his hole. He says he just hasn't loved me for a very long time and I have to move on. I told him a lot of things but the upshot was that I would move on because the man he is is not the sweet man of honor and integrity and value for family that I loved, but I told that if he ever got in touch with that man, even if I had moved on, that I would love to hear from him because I would love him forever.

H went over to the house this afternoon and says there is evidence there that S17 and/or friends have been there again. H wants me to police the place.....but in some ways I resent that because the idea behind me going into the apartment was that H was supposed to be living there and working on it! But, now H says he is going to allow D24 and E and baby move in there, and thinks I should try to get out of my lease and move bach there with them. I'd like that, but then H said that he would finish the floors in the place, but then the other work like painting and such we would have to do.......that annoys me because he was supposed to do it. And he says if we are going to live there we should do it......which I see, but it galls me that once again he is getting out of living up to his promises!

I'm just so full, I don't know which way to turn sometimes......what else can freakin' happen now!??