The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

Strong & Alive commented:

In fact LuckyGirl hit on this very point when she referred in one of her earlier posts to how a man should "mentally bulldoze through" his woman's excuses....

Bagheera understands very well that he has to lead his marriage. That doesn't mean his wife is passive, or that he does all the work. But it does mean he sets the tone and structure of the marriage, within which his wife can safely express her own sexual self.

In response to something I wrote yesterday:

In my own case, it is I who MUST lead the relationship, and lead the sexual relationship in particular. My wife doesn't want to lead, doesn't want to take charge in the bedroom, and rarely initiates intimacy on her own -- and I understand why and accept that now. I am the "Keeper of the Flame" for us, I judge when it's a good night for a "fire," and if I've done things correctly, she "ignites" wonderfully. Mrs. B responds to my lead deliciously, but it is my passion which feeds her own. Taking the lead requires confidence on my part, knowing that I can occasionally reach out and 'take' the woman that I want and that she'll melt in my arms when I do: and even a year now after we began adopting this mode-of-operation, that confidence still falters from time to time, but I pick up and carry on.

I may "understand very well" but I don't always -execute- very well --> today is one of those 'faltering' days, apparently.

Ever since my Navy days, we've had problems with send-off's and reunions when I have to travel. On the send-off, my wife's head is so full of all the stuff that she's going to have to take care of alone while I'm gone (or get to enjoy while I'm gone) that it's as if I've already departed a day or two before I actually do, and any intimacy suffers. Reunions have always been terrible -- I'm dying for a physical reconnection (and the emotional reconnection that goes with it), while my wife always takes time to shift out of 'single-mom mode' and reconnect emotionally as a wife again, delaying the physical reconnection. As a result of having this send-off/reunion trouble cycle repeated many times over, I tend to develop "trip anxiety," where I start to tense up and dread the day / night before a trip, and then particularly dread the first couple of days / nights after a reunion. And, as you could have guessed, this 'trip anxiety' reeks havoc my confidence and our sexual dynamic as a couple.

Tomorrow I fly out of town for a week-long conference, so where is that strong, masculine man my wife wants from me? Brooding and sulking like a little-boy because his wife made plans for herself for this evening and relegated any love-making that was going to happen pre-trip to this morning --> which I vetoed because she didn't wake up feeling very well today, and she would not have been very responsive; there, but not really there with me. It just all smacked too much of "the husband's going away so I'd better make love to him" chore-sex, and I refuse to go there any more.

So once again, I'll be loading myself into a cab at my door in a pissy mood, and then tensing up again during the plane flight home. And I can follow the chain of trips over 20 years back to the time when I would come home from MONTHS of being underwater on board a submarine, get to watch wives and girlfriends literally throwing themselves at their men as they come off the gangway, while my own wife would barely tolerate a hug and I would sleep on the couch for that first night or two.

Here's one old dynamic that needs to friggin' change -- I hate it.

-- B.