In desperate need of advice, separation looming!

[working on me]

No actually didn't do them before. I would tell her it felt like I was being taken advantage of and would often say, you are perfectly capable of doing these things youself so you do them.

So now my 180 is to do them, right or wrong to now do them.

She even said to me the other day that it's weird for her now because before I would say no. She said she also doesn't want to take advantage of how I am being nice about doing stuff now.

[working on me]

Hi everyone, tomorrow is a new day!

Since I was a kid it has been one of my favorite days of the year, it's THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING!

It's a time for rebirth, renewal and new beginnings. Plants are green, flowers are in bloom.

This happy outburst of mine might be alitle much for some, but it does mean the world to me, especially now. you see I am a real outdoor type person. I live at the oceans edge and have since I was five. It's the ocean that gives me the greatest joy!
I have been a surfer for the last 24yrs., I'm a scuba diver, free diver and I have a bachelor of science degree in in Ecology and Evolutioary Biology with an emphasis in Marine Biology.

So tomorrow I will be watching the sun rise, and then later on I will go surfing. I have not been out in the water since the wife dropped the bomb. Surfing has always been my escape, but I fell apart and stopped eating. I actually lost 15lbs. in the last 7 weeks. March 1st. I began to get back in shape so that I wouldn't put myself in danger when I paddled out. So tomorrow will be a perfect day to get wet again.

I am so excited!

I am not really a religious person, though I have rethought that position in recent weeks, but getting back in touch with nature and the kinetic energy of waves which is transformed into my body as I ride waves will surely energize me.

I will think of you all and say may own form of prayer for you.

[FitChik]

Working on me,

What a great post! I also love spring, although I will miss it this year in Washington state. I love the outdoors, sunrises, etc... You made me smile with this post and lighten up my day. Thanks!

[steady]

So do I ask her if she needs anything as my 180 or is this in some way my way of persuit or whatever?

Puppy is right on target. One thing I would caution you about is to not to swing so far the other way. I know you said you didn't do those things before, but be careful not to go overboard - It then gets to be too much and it will be smothering. (been there, done that)

[steady]

>>she now wants a devorce based on my decision to stay in the house.<<

That's a threat she's using to try and get you out of the house. If she wants to D you she will do it regardless of where you live so I'd ignore that one. Also, if she wants to D you she'll hang onto any excuse... like she divorced you because you wouldn't move, or she decided to file because you did move. It's just rhetoric. She'll do what she wants. Don't let her manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.

Just put the kids first, you second and her last....

Like everyone else here I think you handled this well.
I know you want to keep your family intact. I want that too, but you need to prepare for a happy ending with or WITHOUT her.

This is dead on. When my W wanted me out of the house I got to the point where I told her she could leave. She didn't go for that. I dug my heals in and told her it wasn't going to be on her timetable (I could have said it better) - well that got her all wrapped around the axle. I wasn't allowing her to have the control anymore so she tried all kinds of cr@p to try and manipulate me - to get her power back. I didn't bite.

Then she tried to get a restraining order against me - but they wouldn't give it to her. They served me with a refraining order instead (can't harrass, intimidate, stalk her, etc..) I laughed. I wasn't doing any of that stuff anyway. Just another piece of cr@p she tried to use to manipulate me. Now it's backfiring and it will take months to get resolved...plus thousands of dollars. It's way too funny.

Control is an illusion. And I find most attempts at control actually backfire.

I'm still here, and she has her back up against the wall. Too bad. She wants out, fine, but it ain't gonna happen based on the fairy tale path she had in her head.

My W is making up stuff now - projecting my past behavior on me as if it's still happening. When I call her on it, she has nothing - not a single example. It's just rationalization on her part to justify the decision she is making. They will think up all kinds of stuff to get themselves to believe their position is spot on. I just ignore it now because as JDollie says - You can't rationalize with an irrational person.

Set the boundaries and reinforce them. At the very least she will respect you for it. You sound very good. Enjoy the sunrise and surfing.

[runningoutoftime]

Hey Working,

I love your positive post! And thanks for reminding me about the beginning of Spring.... and time for surfing!!! I'm glad to hear you are going to do that. The beach and surfing are very healing. I grew up in a surfing family and for everyone in my family just being out in the waves and the ocean has always been an emotional lifeline.

BTW, I've heard you can also make some good business connections surfing since a lot of business executives are into it (hint hint on the job opportunities! LOL!!!).

Stay positive buddy and go out and do a few 360s for me!

[working on me]

Well yesterday didn't go as planned , but that's life.

NO WAVES

The wife left town after work to go pick her mother up at the airport in a city 4hrs. away. Today she and her mother will spend the day there at a big war protest.

She had called me from work in the morning and asked me to do her a few favors. she asked me to do some laundry, look for a backpack and clean out the car. I did all of it and was happy to do it.

You see before my change i would have grumbled about it to her, so I feel this is part of my 180. The thing is when she came home and was getting ready to go she didn't really say to much about the fact that i had done all of this as quick as I could because I knew she was on a tight schedule. I don't really think she actually thanked me.

Now is this me having expectations about her be thankfull. Or should I just be happy to do it for her because I just want to help out a friend and not expect anything in return.

Or am I just being a doormat?

You see she has said to me in the past how much she appreciates the fact that I have changed in this manner. She said before she felt like if she were to ask for a favor I would expect something in return and have an atitude about it.

So how should I frame it when she asks for something in the future?

[working on me]

Rght now, I feel afraid of the changes that are going on within me.

I am afraid for the wrong reasons.

I want to change to become a better man, which in turn will help me to become a better father. If I am fortunate enough my changes will help me to be a better husband. I know these things to be true.

Here is where I fall short, I am afraid that my changes will come to late in my marriage. I am afraid that my wife will either not see these changes and therefore they won't matter to her. Or she will see these changes, but they still will not matter to her.

Now I know my fear is something that I alone am creating, I just don't know how to let go.

[steady]

Rght now, I feel afraid of the changes that are going on within me.

I am afraid for the wrong reasons.

I want to change to become a better man, which in turn will help me to become a better father. If I am fortunate enough my changes will help me to be a better husband. I know these things to be true.

Here is where I fall short, I am afraid that my changes will come to late in my marriage. I am afraid that my wife will either not see these changes and therefore they won't matter to her. Or she will see these changes, but they still will not matter to her.

Now I know my fear is something that I alone am creating, I just don't know how to let go.

This is normal. They may be too late or not. No one can answer this question - it requires a crystal ball. My changes apparently weren't enough for my W. But that's my sitch.

But let me ask you this:

If you knew that she wouldn't come back, would you still make the changes to make you a better person? Or are you only doing them to get her back?

Remember, Mike from Tennessee told me and everyone here: This place is about saving yourself, not saving your M. Save yourself, if the M is saved then it's icing on the cake. In reality, the only way to save your M is to save yourself first. It's the ONLY way.

[steady]

...I don't really think she actually thanked me.

Now is this me having expectations about her be thankfull. Or should I just be happy to do it for her because I just want to help out a friend and not expect anything in return.

Or am I just being a doormat?

...

So how should I frame it when she asks for something in the future?

Maybe she was so busy running around to get ready that she just forgot to thank you, or it never crossed her mind.

You are only being a doormat if the behavior is repetative. Keep an eye on it.

You can frame the future right now. Just watch to see if it was an oversight or if she's using you as a doormat. When you figure that out, you'll know how to frame it in the future.

Do the things because you want to do it - not to get some kind of response. But don't be a doormat either.