Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, [[[[BM]]]].

I feel like an idiot. I actually just stooped to something I really thought I was above. I actually went in and looked at my H's cell phone records and did a reverse look up of a number that he seems to call and be called from a lot, and did a reverse look up on it. So, now I know the name of the new OW. I don't know why I did it. It's nothing new. It just sort of felt like he's trying to be so secretive, and I just didn't want him to have anything over me......I know that's stupid and crazy!! I'm not going to tell him I know (won't give him that amunition). I'm not going to call or go over there. She's not the issue. She probably has no idea of his real background and what he's done. She's probably a very nice woman.

I just hate this!! And I hate that I hate this!!!

20 minutes later.....

OMG.....I just called my D24. Asked her if she was going to call her dad. She got quiet and said she wasn't sure. I told her that I supported her whatever she decided. Then we started to talk, and I asked her about something that S17 told me about in the car. He said that he remembered an incident where H and D had an altercation, where D was screaming and ran from him and he chased after her and grabbed her and pushed her to the ground where she hit her head on a tool box. S17 said that at the time he thought D (maybe 11 or 12 at the time) deserved it because she was "out of control" (remember she is autistic.....emotions are not in normal proportion.....but we didn't have that diagnosis until she was 16).

Well, I asked D24 about it, and she said she thought she vaguely remembered it but she didn't know, because it actually was something that happened regularly when I wasn't there! She said she never thought S saw it. She said that H was very different when I wasn't around!! I asked if she meant "physically", and she said "Yes, and verbally." She then told me that there was a lot that happened that I didn't know because she didn't tell me, and that is why she refuses to "apologize" for the horrible e-mail she wrote, because she feels that just gives him permission to sweep the things he has done under the rug.

She then told me the most amazing thing. Of course, upon hearing all this, I was crying and told her I was so very sorry I didn't protect her! She told me that it wasn't my fault and that she felt she was actually stronger for having gone through it, and then she said that actually, she feels that it's because of me that she had the courage to take a chance and look for love and found E (her fiance). I had no idea what she meant my that and my amazing daughter told me "Mom, I saw how much you loved Dad, and you never ever gave up or stopped loving him, so I thought that there must be something good in him that I saw, but he just didn't have that for me. So, I wanted to go out and find the man that would have that for me." Then she told me that no parent can protect their kids from life, and that she felt that if not for me, things would have been a lot worse. If you knew the whole history of what my D24 has gone through (and done) in her life, you too would be stunned as I am at this wisdom and insight and compassion coming from my daughter.

Right now, I'm feeling that perhaps the good man I thought my H was inside was nothing but a figment of my imagination! No wonder he just wants to run away and not talk about anything, and just start a new life. How can he stand to even look at himself in the mirror!