Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

Warning - long post ahead

Well the trying to be friends thing is working pretty well. We are talking more and it is way less tense. W has commented on that a few time.

We did have a big fight yesterday when I got home from work. As soon as I got home W cornered me to accuse me of spreading rumors at the kids school. She heard there was a rumor that W is an A-hole and left me for no reason. That I don't want to get a divorce, I wanted to go to MC, I would do anything to fix our marriage and that W is horrible.

I did not spread any rumors. Other than 2 close friends I have not told any one in our community that we are separated. W told a bunch of people at school who told people etc and pretty much everyone knows about it. Since W is PTA president there are a lot of people that know us.

I have told her and I have stuck to my promise, not to tell people about our breakup. The only thing I have said is when someone had already heard and asked me I said yes we are separated and if they asked if it was mutual I said no. I have never said anymore than that.

We figured out that it was actually based on what my mother had said at the Casino night. A few people had asked her about it and said they heard that I was leaving W. My mother corrected them and said that despite her best judgment I did not want a Divorce and wanted to go to C to work it out. So apparently this got around and expanded on it as rumors do. I reminded her that this is the last of many rumors that are going around and that without information people will speculate and make stuff up.

She said she didn't think I would do it but it made her so mad that when she saw me she jumped on me for it. I told her that in fact of it is true and this was just one of the consequences of her actions. We got all into it and she said she would tell them about things that I had said in anger (telling her to get out of my house). I then said if she did that I would tell them that she and OW had been having an affair since November and that was the reason she left me. We ended up screaming at each other with me crying. We went over all the stuff from the breakup. How I had done this and she did that and bla bla bla. Finally I said I am so sick of having this conversation and we need to stop talking about it. We ended up coming back to saying that working on being friends is the best thing and it seems to be working and then she asked for a hug (first time since breakup).

Later that night she said that I manipulate her a lot and she was sick of me trying to get my way and gave me an example of it. We started getting into it and she said she didn't want to talk about it. I said you keep telling me you don't like this behavior but you don't want to talk about it. I said when we do talk through things by the end we are usually better off than when we started and we need to talk about it. She asked if I would still be up at 9:30 and we could talk when she got back from helping a friend.

So I did some thinking while she was gone and realized that what I had been doing with trying to get her to work on the marriage was another example of manipulation and trying to get my way.

When she got home I asked her to help me understand how my trying to get my way was different than anyone trying to get something they wanted. Didn't everyone try to get what they wanted? She explained that what I did was different because I specifically said things to push the person's buttons and get them to do what you wanted. I knew what would get a reaction and used the information against the person. Like me telling her that she was acting like her father or saying she didn't care about the kids. It was a very good conversation and it really did make me realize how she saw it and that what I had been doing was manipulative. She said that my mother and sister do it so she knows that I "came by it honestly". She also said that she didn't think I could ever change at least with her. Once you get in a pattern with someone you can't change it. I didn't say anything but this will definitely be a 180 for me.

Then we just kept talking. We ended up talking until 11:30 about all kinds of things. I did ask her questions about the OW and how that had started (assuming it really started in Feb not Nov) and how OW could say she is straight when she slept with W. I asked how they could "just be friends" now after having slept together. I wasn't asking in an attacking or accusatory way and she gave me straight answers. She told me about caring about me and that, while she doesn't believe in love anymore and will never trust anyone with her heart again, she knows that I believe in love and want it and that she really wants me to find it again and be happy. I wasn't sure how to respond and so I basically said that I do believe in love. I don't think people are meant to live alone but are meant to have mates to share their life.

I also told her that while I do think we can overcome the issues we have had and mend our marriage; I have also gotten to the place that I am OK with it if it doesn't work out also. I know I can be happy again on my own terms without depending on her for my happiness. I told her that was one of our big problems that we depend on each other for our happiness and didn't know how to be happy apart.

Maybe we got way to deep but the fact that it was a very personal conversation was good because we haven't done that. I feel like it created a little more intimacy between us.

[hopefulinEG]

Oh I forgot to mention. I also asked W if she would want to go to C together again. She that she would but she thought if we went I would just be there to get her to reconcile. I said that I can't say I don't hope that is a byproduct of going but that she has a lot of unresolved issue that make her angry and resent me and the same things keep coming up between us over and over. If we are going to really be friends and live together we have to deal with those issues.

I also said that there wouldn't be any point in going if she wasn't willing to talk though. She said she didn't like thinking about the issues because it makes her so angry and she doesn't want to hate me. I said it is going to drive us apart and make us hate each other if we don't talk about it. And she agreed. But we both said we want to go to a different C who will actually work with us and mediate not just let us yell at each other and fight the whole time.

[hopefulinEG]

I did a lot of soul searching and journaling this weekend. I started re-reading DR and am really doing the goals section this time. I am trying to refocus and stop my downward spiral. It's like when I found out the EA was actually a PA I forgot everything I learned. I turned into that whiny, pursuing, angry, depressed person I was before.

I also decided that I have to stop thinking about the PA; whether to believe her or not believe her. I kept going back and forth. I would believe then remember something that made me not believe and then remember something that made me believe again. All that energy was totally unproductive and worthless. It doesn't matter either way. I still want to repair our marriage. Maybe someday she will come clean and tell me exactly what happened but maybe not.

I want to do whatever it takes to show her that we can repair our marriage and we can be happy again. I truly want to spend the rest of my life making her happy in the ways that I didn't before. I realized that I don't need to wait until she 'comes back" to me. I can start doing that now. I can do things that will make her life easier. Not totally obvious things but everyday things. I can get the kids ready or get dinner started or do chores that she would normally do. I am trying to think of other things that won't seem overly pursuing or pushy. No gifts or anything but do things that might make her happier. In the past it was always the reverse. She was concerned with my happiness and I took it for granted that she was happy.

I need to get back to emotional detachment and not reacting to her moods. The last few weeks I have engaged her many times when she was snippy or rude. I also need to be careful that things I say are not at all seen as judgmental. This morning I was telling her how our D6 was talking about us fighting and that she would rather that W move out so we would stop. I told W that we need to work more on not fighting or having conflict because it was effecting the kids. I made mistake of joking that there just needs to stop being rumors at school because the last 3 fights were precipitated by her accusing me of starting rumors that she heard. She was pissy all morning after that and in retrospect she took it as I was saying she was the reason we were fighting instead of my intension to just make her aware of D6's feelings.

I am making an appointment with the C for this week hopefully and I hope that her sharing what she is angry about and what makes her so resentful will help. If I show her that I hear her and validate her feelings it could start putting that seed of doubt in her mind. If it starts to go bad or has the opposite effect we can stop going but I really want to give it a chance since she is willing to actually talk this time.

And I need to refocus on GAL and finding things to make me happy on my own.

[hopefulinEG]

Reading through DR again. Getting new inspiration and ideas of 180's. Feeling able to deal with W moods. She keeps staying out late and then is really crabby in the morning. I am also working on not trying to figure out or imagine where she was when she stayed out. It doesn't matter one way or the other so I need to stop beating myself over the head with it.

Re-reading has reminded me what giving her space means. I had really forgotten how important that was and I should not be pushing to much for friendship as much as letting her have space and let her come to me when she wants. Don't ask to spend time, don't hang around hoping for a conversation to start. Just go about my business and be available when opportunities arise. I am trying to think of a to do list for every night and every morning so I have a plan of what I'm going to do. Then I don't wander around aimlessly. It isn't a must get done list but a can get done list so if she wants to talk I can take the time. Or if the kids need something I can take the time.

I am going to church this Sunday also. I went with my friend 3 weeks ago and every Sunday I said I would go but something got in the way. I really want to go this week. I need to tap back into a good spiritual connection and I would like to become part of a new supportive spiritual community. Maybe this church won't be it but it's worth looking for.

So getting focuses on the GAL's.

Going out with a friend at least once a week (coffee with M this Thursday night)
Getting iron infusions for Iron deficiency
Ears pierced and new fancy earrings
Stopped biting nails and getting manicures every other week
Going to Therapist every week
Going to Chiropracter twice a week
Do hair and makeup every day
Excercise every morning on treadmill
Talking to friends and family a lot for support

I do need to back off talking about the D and R with friends and family. They are all concerned about me and want to help but I am better off if I tell them I love their support but don't want to talk about it all the time. Just call and make me laugh and feel good and loved.

Goals for this week
- Do my own thing at home
- Don't react to what W says or does
- Distract myself so I don't think about it all day long
- Don't call or txt during the day
- Find ways to show appreciation

[FitChik]

Sounds like you're on the right track.

Your goals you have are great. It's easy just to float around and continue on with the same patterns without having goals. Giving her space is also good. I am trying hard to also give my H space and not press a friendship. It can be very difficult! I also think church is a great way to lift your spirit and get support. I have strengthened my R with God through all this mess and continue to be renewed :-)

[FitChik]

It's amazing how earrings can lift our spirits! The simplest thing can do a lot :-)

[hopefulinEG]

Last night was uneventful. Got home picked up D6 from daycare for W and then picked up D8 from play rehearsal. W got pissy when I said I wanted to pick up D8 but then wouldn't let me let her go instead. Her problem not mine.

I started helping with dinner when I got home. She also acted pissy when I offered to help - "Whatever". She was making the same thing I made on Sunday because we had twice as much as we needed (and the kids love it). I said I realized how much better her potato pancakes were when I tried to make them Sunday because mine turned out all soggy and greasy and her's were always crispy and good. She said that was BS because I always made them. I did say that I hadn't made them in a while, so much so that I had to look up the directions in the book to remember how. I am trying to be a "Cheerleader" but I wonder if she thinks it is being to obvious and feels like pushing. I will try a few more times and if I still get bad reactions I might stop.

After dinner she retreated to her room and I didn't bother her. I put the kids to bed, cleaned the kitchen and worked on a few things in the office and then went to my room around 8:30. I am not going to ask her to come out of her room again. I thought it went along with the whole "lets be friends" thing but I need to give her space and let her come to me instead.

I did pretty good not reacting to her being pissy. Only when she made a comment about my sister coming to visit for night did I react. She said "well I will make myself scares that night" and I said "whatever" and walked away.

Trying to remember that anger is not necessarily a bad thing. That it will take a long time for her to stop feeling angry and it could even be her way of keeping herself from having positive feelings about me. I just realized that she gets pissy all the time when I offer to do something like help with dinner or pick up the kids. Should I take that as a message to stop offering to help as much?

[hopefulinEG]

I may not get any comments but I'm going to keep writing.

Today on my way to work I realized that but for my marriage problems I would be really happy right now. I have lost 20lbs. I look good with new haircut, new jewelry. Feel great getting iron infusions and going to chiropractor and therapist. I have so many friends supporting me and multiple people call me everyday to see how I'm doing and tell me they love me. Work is going good and my boss and co-workers are really appreciating me

If it weren't for this "one little thing" life would be wonderful. It was a very eye opening thing to realize. Unfortunately that "one little thing" is actually a huge thing but I hadn't really realized how much better everything else has gotten as a result of this.

Prior to the bomb, I felt overweight not particularly pretty, I was unhappy with my job, I didn't talke most of my friends and family much. I wasn't going to the doctor to deal with cronic problems like low iron and bad back. So I guess there is some good that comes from every bad.

[spellfire]

Please do keep writing EG. I'm still reading along, just not much to advise since you seem to be doing what I would suggest already.

I'm glad you are finding some good in your situation. Knowing you will be okay no matter what is truly a peaceful feeling if you can attain it.

[hopefulinEG]

So it's Sunday night and I have to say while it has been incredibly hard I did a great job this weekend. W went out everynight until early morning and I did not say a word about it. the only thing I mentioned was that the chain was not on the door either morning and that worried me because she it the worrier that ALWAYS makes sure the chain is on every night. She said she is just not as anxious about it anymore and I said that is great and didn't say anything else.

I did my own thing all weekend and got so much done around the house and yard. I took the kids to a movie and had a great weekend. W was nice and semi-friendly, more so than usual and I was friendly but busy. I would listen to her but then I would finish the conversation to go off and do something in another room.

It was very difficult to keep a PMA at sometimes during the weekend. When I let myself think about what she might have been doing when she was out late, I got very sad or angry. But I did that in private. Had a good cry on Friday and in the middle W wanted to talk to me. I said I wasn't decent and talked to her through the door. Not 100% sure if she could tell or not.

I am really trying to have compassion for her and remember that she was really hurting and is still hurting that is why she is so angry and cold so often. I am trying to tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop being angry. When we reconcile we can deal with all that later. Right now I have to work on getting her back. If I get all into my needs I will never get her back.