Well the trying to be friends thing is working pretty well. We are talking more and it is way less tense. W has commented on that a few time.
We did have a big fight yesterday when I got home from work. As soon as I got home W cornered me to accuse me of spreading rumors at the kids school. She heard there was a rumor that W is an A-hole and left me for no reason. That I don't want to get a divorce, I wanted to go to MC, I would do anything to fix our marriage and that W is horrible.
I did not spread any rumors. Other than 2 close friends I have not told any one in our community that we are separated. W told a bunch of people at school who told people etc and pretty much everyone knows about it. Since W is PTA president there are a lot of people that know us.
I have told her and I have stuck to my promise, not to tell people about our breakup. The only thing I have said is when someone had already heard and asked me I said yes we are separated and if they asked if it was mutual I said no. I have never said anymore than that.
We figured out that it was actually based on what my mother had said at the Casino night. A few people had asked her about it and said they heard that I was leaving W. My mother corrected them and said that despite her best judgment I did not want a Divorce and wanted to go to C to work it out. So apparently this got around and expanded on it as rumors do. I reminded her that this is the last of many rumors that are going around and that without information people will speculate and make stuff up.
She said she didn't think I would do it but it made her so mad that when she saw me she jumped on me for it. I told her that in fact of it is true and this was just one of the consequences of her actions. We got all into it and she said she would tell them about things that I had said in anger (telling her to get out of my house). I then said if she did that I would tell them that she and OW had been having an affair since November and that was the reason she left me. We ended up screaming at each other with me crying. We went over all the stuff from the breakup. How I had done this and she did that and bla bla bla. Finally I said I am so sick of having this conversation and we need to stop talking about it. We ended up coming back to saying that working on being friends is the best thing and it seems to be working and then she asked for a hug (first time since breakup).
Later that night she said that I manipulate her a lot and she was sick of me trying to get my way and gave me an example of it. We started getting into it and she said she didn't want to talk about it. I said you keep telling me you don't like this behavior but you don't want to talk about it. I said when we do talk through things by the end we are usually better off than when we started and we need to talk about it. She asked if I would still be up at 9:30 and we could talk when she got back from helping a friend.
So I did some thinking while she was gone and realized that what I had been doing with trying to get her to work on the marriage was another example of manipulation and trying to get my way.
When she got home I asked her to help me understand how my trying to get my way was different than anyone trying to get something they wanted. Didn't everyone try to get what they wanted? She explained that what I did was different because I specifically said things to push the person's buttons and get them to do what you wanted. I knew what would get a reaction and used the information against the person. Like me telling her that she was acting like her father or saying she didn't care about the kids. It was a very good conversation and it really did make me realize how she saw it and that what I had been doing was manipulative. She said that my mother and sister do it so she knows that I "came by it honestly". She also said that she didn't think I could ever change at least with her. Once you get in a pattern with someone you can't change it. I didn't say anything but this will definitely be a 180 for me.
Then we just kept talking. We ended up talking until 11:30 about all kinds of things. I did ask her questions about the OW and how that had started (assuming it really started in Feb not Nov) and how OW could say she is straight when she slept with W. I asked how they could "just be friends" now after having slept together. I wasn't asking in an attacking or accusatory way and she gave me straight answers. She told me about caring about me and that, while she doesn't believe in love anymore and will never trust anyone with her heart again, she knows that I believe in love and want it and that she really wants me to find it again and be happy. I wasn't sure how to respond and so I basically said that I do believe in love. I don't think people are meant to live alone but are meant to have mates to share their life.
I also told her that while I do think we can overcome the issues we have had and mend our marriage; I have also gotten to the place that I am OK with it if it doesn't work out also. I know I can be happy again on my own terms without depending on her for my happiness. I told her that was one of our big problems that we depend on each other for our happiness and didn't know how to be happy apart.
Maybe we got way to deep but the fact that it was a very personal conversation was good because we haven't done that. I feel like it created a little more intimacy between us.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
