Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all.

Thank you guys so much for your continued warmth and support.....it really is what holds me even remotely together sometimes......

{{{SMW}}} It's been a long time since I heard from you!!! Thanks for stopping by! Like your new "handle"!!

{{{naej}}} I absolutely adore babies too!! And I told D24 that I was absolutely always here when she needs a break. Actually my boss made a suggestion, that when H finishes work on the house, and if I can get out of my lease, then maybe we could all move in there (me, D24, S17, soon-to-be SIL and GD!!). This would save them money for diapers and such, and I could see the baby every day!! I actually called H about this and he was very supportive of the idea. I talked to D24 and she and fiance are for it too! The work on the house will take a while still (at least a couple months), but they are not on a lease now where they are, so they could actually move any time. Anyway, it's a very possible idea.......

And, yes, butterflies do wonders for my PMA! But, J is in CA, and I wonder, if I were to really fall for this man, how would that work? Before, I had absolutely no issue with relocation as a possibility.....in fact that was somewhat attractive an idea.....now I have a grandbaby to spoil! I definitely want to be a "present" granny. So, not sure how to feel about that.

{{{BM}}} I try not to put S in the middle, and have been doing well at not talking about any of H and my sitch, but then last night and today, I have been all over the place emotionally and he was too, so we talked more. Then today, H talked with S, and in the end S loves his Dad, although he doesn't agree with what H has done, so now he doesn't want to talk about stuff that's happening at all........it's a fine line. I don't want him to sweep his emotions under the rug, and I want to be honest with him, so I try to talk with him genericaly about what I think about relationship and responsibility, but not get into details of stuff with H.

{{{mishka}}} Yes, I had actually seen my daughter at deep water aerobics class a couple weeks ago in her bathing suit and had asked if she wasn't telling me something. She is a large girl, but her stomach was much more "round". She told me that she had taken a couple test's and they were negative. (???) Her periods have always been irregular, and she said that she never felt anything like a kicking. The nurse at the hospital said I would be surprised and how often this does happen!

She has friends who are on WIC and such and knows all about that thank heaven.

As for H......yes, he is often an arrogant jacka** and always has been, although not to this extent. Today, he confirmed that he has "dated" and is now "seeing someone exclusively", and I lost it. He has taken her up to the "dream house" apparently and he promised me (and kids) he wouldn't do that! I feel like I have been emotionally raped by that man! I left work early because I just couldn't think and stop crying. I know this is not the man I married. I don't know who this man is and I certainly don't want him in my life!! But, I will always mourn the man he was......or at least who I thought he was.

I sent him some pretty harsh replies to the e-mails......certainly not good "DBing", but I don't think I care any more.

If you are interested, here's what was said.......

don't know if you got my voice mail that I left last night, and you are not answering your phone this morning. D has asked me 3 times if you were going to go see the baby. I told her I didn't know, but that I thought you would, and if you didn't it was your loss. She said "You can't blame me for hoping, Mom."

Whatever you think, H, your daughter loves you and actually underneath all that bitterness she shows, she actually craves your approval. And GD is an absolutely beautiful baby girl who deserves to be welcomed to the world with nothing but joy. I think/hope that D24 will surprise you on how good a mother she will be. She still has her job, and I believe, still plans to go to school. Fiance seems to know and accept her as she is and is ga-ga for his baby girl.

By the way, D had her by c-section, and when she gets out of the hospital (tomorrow?) she is planning to go to Fiance's parent's house because his mom doesn't work and will be able to help her with the baby while she gets over the surgery.

And, no they really didn't know D24 was pregnant......although in D's case I strongly suspect that at least "underneath" she really knew. Be that as it may, the important thing now is GD and her needs. Fiance's parent's are giving them a crib. Granny got her a diaper bag and a couple outfits and some "necessities". And I would like to take some of our tax return ($500) to get her some other big necessities like a car seat and stroller. I hope that that is OK with you. It will still leave you plenty $ for bills.

Also, you should know that I put this announcement on my facebook, and Neice is one of my "friends". So, I really think you should inform your Mother, if you haven't already.

I also had a very open discussion with S17 yesterday. I think he was surprised at how he felt when he saw GD. He really wants to be a good "uncle".......and wants children of his own.......and really seems to love his GF (yes, that's a scary combination). But we really had a good talk about family and responsibility and what that means last night.

D24 said she heard that you had a girlfriend "at place where H worked" and that you had even taken her up to "dream house", and that she was bragging about how beautiful it is up there. I don't know who she heard it from, although I know she has kept in touch with one or two of the people there that she worked with. H, you promised me you would not do that, so I am hoping you have kept your word. S heard this and was very angry about it.

Anyway, I know you are in a turmoil and concerned for D24, but I hope you can get beyond that and welcome your grand-daughter as the beautiful gift she is.

While I was writing that, he must have been writing this. They passed each other in transit....

When is D24 due to get released from the hospital? I will send flowers and a note. I will send to her apartment.

Please understand that the tone of this message is not anger but a high level of concern, a little shock and major amounts of worry.

I did get your voice mails and chose not to immediately respond. I needed time to think. I found myself reflecting on the e-mail she sent just before xmas eve. I also remembered the e-mails she sent asking for her W2 as recently as 2 months ago. During these e-mails she had to know she was pregnant and sent these e-mails anyway.(Note these were really angry e-mails D24 sent when H said he wasn't even going to try to work on the marriage like he had said he would) I have no intention of communication through her mother. If D24 truly wishes to involve her dad, she will need to make the effort on her own. I have no idea if the requests through you are her doing or your wishful thinking. I also have no idea of what I will get if I show up without her direct invitation.

This is not an easy issue. It is also not just about the baby. You absolutely know that I as well as you will ensure there is no harm or distress visited on this innocent child. But this was absolutely a selfish if not negligent circumstance brought on by Ashleigh herself. So many questions and thoughts are flying around.

1. No healthcare benefits.

2. Welfare and or food stamps

3. Schooling

4. She is not eligible for FMLA, her job will likely go away

5. Daycare

6. Clothes, diapers, food, formula, stroller, bed, ect.

What about Fiance and his parents?

My focus will stay on S17. I will not let this event by D24 interfere with my efforts to help S17 get to a mature, stable place for his life beginning. Despite anything S17 may say, and he will say it differently and deny it, he is probably thinking it is another time where the attention shifts to D24 and her drama.

Let me know when she is scheduled to return home.

This was his reply to my e-mail.....

Please let me know what room number she is in. I still plan to send the flowers.

I also still need D24 to apologize for the e-mails and to invite me herself. It is time for her to grow up now that she has someone that needs a grownup. I can blame her for only hoping, and doing nothing positive to fix the hurt she caused. I will not throw myself under the bus, it is not a one way issue.

Start looking on Craigs list for these items as there are plenty available without having to buy new. In fact this is an activity that Fiance and D24 need to do. A car seat and stroller are rather inexpensive, and there is lots of clothes available for free or pennies at value village. $500 is too much. $250 is more like it.

D24’s likely source of info is "My Mom" who often gets things blown out of proportion or twisted. D24’s normal source of workplace info is gone.

I will not deny that I been on several dates and I am now seeing someone exclusively. The remainder of this issue is my business alone and I will not discuss it with anyone else.

This obviously verifies he has been to dream house with an OW....now I'm really upset.....betrayed and lied to again.....I know....why do I care???.....but I do....

I don't understand how you live with yourself, H..........and does this woman you are seeing know that you are a man without an iota of honor or integrity?? .................not to mention courage. I doubt it.

You have completely trashed this family and you know it, H.......but you keep running and go live your beautiful fantasy life when you can pretend to be such a big man! But, we know the truth........and underneath it all you do to......

It's your life........keep running.......you f'ing coward.

Yep, NOT good DB'ing......

H,

I have calmed some since the below e-mail.........I apologize for the manner in which I said this, but not for the thoughts these words expressed. I will never understand how I could have been so mistaken in thinking that you were a man of honor and with real values. I always thought that even though you didn't show it well, your heart was in the right place. You did not care so much about career, that's why you didn't make senior chief....you had integrity and didn't care to do the "politics" it took to get there. You loved working in your garage or wood shop or anything else to do with home. I loved walking around with you and holding your hand and laughing at how you always had more project ideas than there would ever be time for. I wanted you to have everything your heart desired. [And, yes I know that I fell short in the areas you needed to see from me, and I will forever be sorry for that.]

You know that I "pushed" for the property and "dream house" (like I did everything like cars, etc).......and, yes, looking back, I was trying so very hard to buy your love and happiness, and acceptance in a manner I could live with and keep my self respect. Pathetic really. And maybe to you it's poetic justice that now I get to watch you use it to impress your new woman. That you will take that property but kick me and our family aside. I never would have believed that you had this cruelty in you. And I never realized that it was possible to hurt this much and still keep breathing.

I know that you will put all this down to my being "over dramatic" and that way you can go on your merry way with a clear conscience. But, you and I both know that I did not deserve any of this. And I also think you know that you have not been remotely honorable in any way through this whole thing. You say you have changed, and I can see that that is true. But, from my perspective, much of this change is not for the better. Yes, you have money. Yes you have success. Yes you are free to go about your way unencumbered. But what you really are is just another guy who let success go to his head, and lost all his values, and kicked aside his faithful wife and family who loved him unconditionally despite his faults, and instead "traded up" to a better model to fit his new "wonderful life".

And, the fact is that you have no real friends any more because they don't really know you. What do you think that "best friend", and "other friends", and any of the rest of your "guys" who so looked up to you as the best Chief they ever worked for, would think if they really knew all you have done? Would they respect it? You know the answer....that's why you won't tell them. What kind of role model would you be then? And the reality is that no matter what you do from here in your life, you will never truly be free, because you know in your heart the truth.......and it won't stay buried forever.

I will love the beautiful, sweet man you were until the day I die. I hate that you seem to see him as weak. He was the heart of you. If you ever find him again, I would love to see him........the man you have become, is not even someone I can respect. You are no better than the "CEO who had affair w/subordinate 4 years and left 20+ year wife when it all came out" of this world. And you know it.

T

Don't bother with the 2x4s. I know I'm a complete DB failure. But, I don't care right now. I hate the man he has become. I hate that everybody tells me it's wrong, but there's nothing to be done about it. Even H has said he knows he did it all wrong, but he just doesn't have the care to try to make it right. He just wants to move on........

I believe that I will find love again and be happy. But I will never "get over" this. NEVER! And I will never be able to sit in room and see H sitting there with his new woman and smile and pretend it's all no big deal. I truly hate this man right now. And I am not a person who hates.......I know this emotion hurts me much more than it hurts him.....and I know that this is giving him way too much power over me......and he just sees it as me being weak and "an emotional basketcase" (his words). But, I don't care right now. I hate him. I truly hate him! And I am angry at myself for even expending the energy to feel that way!!

Well, I guess this is one post that will go down in the books for length..........

I am going to the hospital now to actually hold my beautiful grand-daughter for the first time (I didn't get to hold her last night)........