I thought I'd throw out a couple of tidbits from my own sitch...don't know if they'll help or not, but...
After I confirmed that there was OW in the picture (I knew about her just wasn't completely certain of the nature of their R), I decided to "win" him back. For 2 months after he moved out, we had an affair (for lack of better term). He was probably seeing her when he wasn't with me (but, I never asked). The sex was incredible...best we'd ever had. I thought I might be making progress. He agreed to see Fireproof with me. We went. He said he was "touched." And, then, the very next night on a Cub Scout camping trip with the kids he left the campsite to call her from the parking lot just after we put the boys to bed. I caught him there on the phone. That's when I knew...he was simply cake eating. I was making no progress (or at least not enough to combat the progress she was making). The next weekend he contacted and asked to come over after the kids went to bed. I said, "No. I won't be 2nd place anymore." He went to far as to say, "You've never been 2nd place, always been 1st place. I wish I could make you understand."
The bottom line is I don't regret those 2 months...we shared some laughs and some very intimate discussions. At times I felt closer to him than I'd felt in years. But, I couldn't sustain that type of R very long. It wasn't healthy for me. So, while I don't regret allowing the cake eating, I don't necessarily encourage it in others either.
I should also say that during the "cake eating" stage of our R, he did most of the pursuing. He called me and asked me to come over or called and asked if he could come over or called and asked me to send him sexy pictures or whatever.
I might also point out that when I ended it, he was no closer to coming home than he was when he first announced his plan to leave the house. The affair with him did nothing to improve the outlook for our marriage.
So, I'd say, if you want to initiate sex, that's okay...if it is truly a 180 for you. Others here will say you shouldn't...but, we can't all agree on everything...they told me not to give in as well! But, there can be no expectations about it. None. I think you have to assume that he might be involved (at some level) with someone else and you have to be okay with your decision to have sex even so. My DB coach also said during that time that I should try to make the sex playful...just sex on my part...instead of putting pressure on him to fulfill some emotional need before or afterwards. Instead of trying to get affection afterward, I should just get up and go about my day, etc. That's hard if you don't operate that way!
You should read some of my old threads...from August - October of 2008. I think I put them in order from 1st through 5th below.
But, whatever you decide, you need to make the decision about you not about him. All your decisions at this point have to be about you not about him. You have to take care of you and you have to start thinking about what your life will look like without him in it...because that is a possibility. And, if you can do that, you might be amazed at how well you can do! And, once you realize that, detachment will be easy!
Take care of you, abby...that's the most important thing!!!
Hugs to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
