Seperated But Living Together

[fisherman]

It's very difficult not to take this personally. Even though they blame us for all of their unhappiness LOL.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to realize at first is the fact that they have check out and are NOT the people we once knew. We still at times slip up and expect them to be who they were, not gonna happen while in la la land. Be patient and remain strong.

[sunshinelewis]

Trapt this is so true, so many times I expect my xh to be the person he once was.

[fisherman]

Its very tough, but you have to understand they turn into the opposite of what they were. You have to accept that and keep it in the front of your mind at all times. Will they return, I would like to think so, but there is nothing we can do to make it happen.

[stillloveshim]

It's just amazing to me too, how different he is. I wonder if I'm different to him too....probably.
2--I had a back slide....not bad in terms of after math. But I've been dark since and so we're going dark again, or at least as dark as possible with S.
How are you doing?

[2gthrButApart]

Hi guys, sorry I wasn't around this weekend. We all went to my mom's this weekned for my sister's b-day, and her PC is VERY slow LOL.

OK, Friday was our 7th wedding ann. And he brought me home a bouquet of roses and gave me a kiss on the lips then 2 on the cheek. I don't get it.

The weekend was great, hugging me tight at night while we go to sleep. He was calling me pet names the entire wknd. Asked me if he could watch my movie with me, I was watching it on my portable DVD player.

Last nite, when we got home he told my step father next time WE go up to visvit WE should all call out the following Minday so we can relax together. He jumped in the shower with me, just a relaxing shower no hanky panky LOL. And he was hugging me the whole night again. These are tht things that confuse the He!! out of me!

**He also spanked me on my butt this wknd WTH?? And this morning he came with me to work b/c he had to buy something for his trip around the corner from my job, and he gave me his cheek to kiss, but he gave me a different kind of look. Like a dep look into my eyes as I went to kiss his cheek. He also said he'd like to meet up with me at the gym this tuesday, I usually go alone, he usually takes that time to relax w/ the girls, but he said he enjoyed meeting up with me last Tuesday, and the girls really loved all of us going together.

Could we be getting close to a reconciliation and he's just waiting to see of my good changes are permanent? Or am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I'm going to give him as much space as possible while he's on his trip next wk. Give him some breathing rm.

***Any insight will be very helpful.

[2gthrButApart]

Thought**

What if none of these DB goals and lil' positive signs mean absolutely nothing?
What if he's "Just being a good friend"?
Why does he hug me so tight at night?
Why does he touch my elbow or my back in a loving way?
Does any of this mean anything?

I remember about a mth ago when I got angry and cried he told me he thought we were past all of this and have already gotten over the break up. B/c I've been so nice. What if he thinks we are just really good friends and that's all.

Can someone give me some advice that has gone thru this? I know we shouldn't listen to anything they say, and his actions are different and a lil' more affectionate, but I can't help but worry that he's DONE with me, and is just being nice so we can have a decent time while we live together.

He called me about 6x today to have lil' friendly conversations. I need some guidance, I feel like I'm backtracking, and going back into worry mode.

**Sidenote, today my SIL called my H, b/c she found some type of cheating evidence (she's engaged to his brother who is a BIG cheater) anyway...she told him that his bro gave her "the speech" the whole I don't feel the same way about you anymore thing. And he told her it reminds him of when me and him WERE having problems. He told her to just ask what his brother wants, does he want to work on it, or does he want space.

These are the things that are making me think...When we "were" having problems he told me he doesn't want to fix anything with me, said he's completely done and maybe in the distant future we can fix things but not right now. Does he think our problems are over b/c we are not together, so is that what he could have meant by "WERE" having problems, and we aren't any longer b/c we are not "together", tho we do more now than when we were? What if he enjoys this friendship way more and thinks our new friendship will get ruined if we reconcile??

[2gthrButApart]

I hate feeling this confused and lonely with no one to turn to. I can't talk to family and friends this is the only place I can vent. I've never been comfortable spilling my biz to ppl I know. This place is comforting but I can't help feel like I kinda get ignored sometimes b/c things in my M have become awkward and we are in a weird limbo. I don't know if I'm over-analyzing any of these actions that happen, or if they truly mean "something".


Today's one of "those days". I REALLY have to watch myself. Since SIL found BIL cheating, I tend to start questioning our situations then I kind of want to interogate him and I end up catching a nasty attitude with him b/c I feel like if his friends and family do it then he must be too. I never found anything stating he's ever done something like that but then the stupid lil' voice in my head says what if he's just extremely slick and careful and knows how NOT to get caught. Then I tend to want to snoop and become insecure and jealous and I hate the anxiety that puts me thru. Ugh...I have to be cool 2day. The cheating is their sitch not ours. Things have been cool btwn us.

[glamgirl]

Hmmmmmm 2gba it all sounds promising to me. I wouldn't get your hopes up though, just ride it out and see if his behavior continues in a positive way. Roses and showers, butt spanking all sound good to me!

[stillloveshim]

Someone here told me something very valuable: Enjoy the interaction. Hug him with open arms. Don't initiate anything and let him take the lead, but do what your heart tells you. Remember, you can't believe what they say, but you can believe actions, 50% of them. Really it's the actions of my H that keep my in DB fighting mode.
I think you have good reason to be optimistic but yet still cautious. And I don't mean be cautious because he's going to bail, but cautious to not overwhelm him. Until he says outright "We are together again" either to you or someone else, assume he's still working things out in his head.
DO NOT GET INTO A CONVERSATION WHERE YOU ACCUSE HIM OF HIS BROTHER'S SINS. It's just not fair. Chances are, he probably knew his brother was cheating, but there's nothing he can do about it and he probably thinks if you know about it then you're going to assume H is cheating on you too. I don't know why, but I don't think your H is cheating on you. He may flirt, he may "hit" on women, but who cares? Don't men smile at you sometimes? As a matter of fact I went to play tennis last night and some guy hit on me! I can't wear jewelry when I'm playing so I don't have my rings on. The even more amazing thing is that he was wearing his RING!! And to be honest, completely harmless because I can't even remember what the dude looks like now and I bet it's the same for him.
H is not cheating on you. H is not cheating on you. H is not cheating on you.
He may have had a brain fart and thought he wanted to date other women, but I think you've been doing such a great job that he has changed his mind and just hasn't figured out how to say it to you because he was such an A$$ before. But he'll get there. You stay the course and don't initiate and just enjoy the interaction.
Maybe keep the intrigue going by not answering one phone call. That's up to you but you are doing great. This is back on track just give him some time to work it all out. And you never know, in his opinion you both might already be back together and he expects you know now that via mind reading.
You are doing so so well!

[2gthrButApart]

I think he's still holding back a bit to test me. Hence the cheek kisses still. I've been very lighthearted and joking with him, flirty, and just acting like I don't know him very well, (which let's be honest, I don't, since all of this has happened), so I've been asking him questions about "things" work or sports or whatever. He's been very playful, like wrestling playful, jokes, things like that. Yesterday I grabbed him by his face brought him real close and gave him a kiss on the forehead. I think it took him by surprise, but he didn't fight it or say anything.

When he called me about 6x yesterday, he called my job line, I'm the receptionist so....I always pick up LOL. So can't ignore those calls. If I happen to not answer a cell phone call he texts me and IM's me to say he's calling.

When making my plans for he gym tonight I told him he can go after I get back like every other tuesday, and he said no, I like going with you he said it's kind of fun when I go with him.

So I poked fun and said just a lil' bit just kinda but not so much LOL, and we smiled.

He's been looking up family portraits so we can take a nice unique one, Easter wknd. I've been very cool about his trip to see his dad, which I usually have a heart attack about b/c it's in another country and he goes for 8-12 days each time he goes. But this time I'm like "whatever". So maybe that's a relieving 180 for him since he was expecting me to nag and complain.

I like being calmer, I like the New Me I am blossoming in to . DBing really does help the DBer become who they should have been all along, without all of life's messes putting stuff in their heads.

Well that's all for now. I'm off to check some threads.