Thats is why it is so important to really take some time and learn what is really going on with him and not to take it personally. You don't want to imagine what is going on inside his crazy little brain right now.
It's great that you realize that giving the sleazy ow headspace will only hurt you, and yes you must protect yourself and your children. You did the right thing.
Till death do us part or when the road gets rocky?? Trust can be restored. It just worries me that you seem to be done so soon.
I'm only 32. I have a lot of life ahead of me, but my family is the most important gift that I will ever be given.
I have been there, hell I'm still there. It's getting better but nowhere near the direction I wish it was going.
There is a way to move forward while this is happening and still leave the door open just a crack.
You and only you know what you can and can't put up with, but before you say your done, learn about what is truly happening with him.
If I believed that it was ONLY MLC, I might feel like waiting it out longer. However, we have always had issues with him being honest. Years and years. Not as serious as ow, etc. but still issues with lying. If it had been great and wonderful up until this recent craziness, I would understand more. However, this on top of me hanging on for a few years just for my kids, due to the lying on his part, is the icing on the cake. I believe he is a habitual liar, because he has lied about stuff for years. I have tried to get him to get help or go to counseling, but he doesn't see it as a big issue. I see it as a huge issue. This MLC behavior on top of it is just too much.
Also, having no consideration for my daughters feelings when he took her around OW. It bothered her a lot, and he didn't even consider it. I guess he wanted to use her like a cute little pawn to impress his young OW. Oh, look at what a great dad I am, watch me play with my daughter, blah,blah,blah. All the while I cheat on her mother, yep, I'm a great catch.
Okay, I know that last part was a lot of venting, but what the hell.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
You have every reason to vent and get it out. I'm sorry I wasn't aware of everything else on top of this crisis crap.
When it gets to this point words don't have much of an effect. He would truly have to show you with actions. It is pretty sh*tty of him to take your daughter around her.
Yeah, it's a screwed up situation. Thanks for the understanding.
Well, I just talked to H about tax buisness. He was already at work. He was on the phone talking to me and someone asked him who he was talking to. He replied w/my name. Then I said, what? because I didn't know what he was talking about. He then replied (name of ow) asked who I was talking to. Now, he doesn't know that I know her name because I have never asked him. So I just said really quickly that I would let him go.
Lo and behold he calls me back about 3 minutes later and asks what I'm doing. I told him I was on the computer. He says what's wrong. I couldn't hold it in. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I told him I hope he realizes that he could lose his job by messing around with an employee (he's upper management, she's an employee) and I hope it's worth it. He says he hasn't done anything wrong, they only talk and he's been out on a couple of dates w/her. I say that it's still wrong, but obviously it's now none of my buisness. We are still legally married, so...
I also just HAD to ask for my own curiosity how old she is. I have never asked any questions about her because I didn't want to give them the power. So, I did, and he tells me 19. Holy sh*t! 19! WTF?????????? He is one sick puppy. We were that age when we first started dating. That's not even OW, it's OG. That's how I will refer to her now. Girl, not even a woman. Again, holy sh*t. So then, yes, I went on to make it even worse.
I know I shouldn't have kept talking but I did. I told him he better not even think about bringing her around one of my son's ballgames or kid's functions. He says he wouldn't. Whatever. I told him I'm sure he's filled the girl full of lies and if he chooses to bring her to one of my kid's funtions I will not keep my mouth shut. Anyway, I know I shouldn't have gone there, but I did.He doesn't want her to know what she's really getting. I'm sorry but I have kept my mouth shut about this the whole time, have not asked, have not pushed. The ONLY time it was spoken about was the incident with my daughter, and that's because if affected my children. So, I feel like I have a right to say my piece about it once. The last thing I want is him waltzing up with this OG to one of my son's games. I think the threat of me talking to her is enough to keep that from happening.
I am so shocked and disgusted. When I was figuring she had to be young, I was thinking 21 or 22. Not fricking 19. Anyway, I know I screwed up big by confronting him about it, but it is what it is. I couldn't continue to ignore it. I don't want him back anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, anyone who read my rant thanks for reading.
I know I have to get to the point where I don't care and this stuff doesn't hurt me, but it still does. I know intellectually all the things to say to myself, but I guess after all these years, it still hurts. I'm not jealous, I don't want him back. I just need to heal myself and my children. It really helps to have this forum. Thanks for reading guys.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I'm not a bit surprised at her age. That is where HE is right now.
The "other person" is always a freakin loser. He can't handle having a real relationship right now. That is what he is running from.
So you slipped up, everyone does it, just don't do the same thing again. She is not worth your time.
My wife was seeing someone who was also dating a 19 yr old. She even made comments about him dating someone so young, then what does she do? She starts talking to him.
Our spouses are on the crazy train for now. Focus on you and your daughter and don't get sucked into their BS.
Thanks. I commented on your thread, I guess while you were commenting on mine, ha,ha. You are correct that he can't handle a real releationship. I remember what it's like to be 19. He can easily manipulate her and she probably believes everything he says. I hope he doesn't plan on exposing my s8 to this girl. He wouldn't get a good reaction.
You are right Trapt, H (or stbxH) can't handle a "real" woman like me right now!! LOL
It's so funny because I have commented that when I get ready to date again, I have to make sure I find someone mature and secure with themselves. I would make sure they were around my age or a little bit older. H goes the exact opposite and gets a womanchild. How ironic.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
You have to remember where his head is right now. None of them want anyone to question them or place any responsibilty on their shoulders. In effect he is a teen right now too. This is a process that has to run it's course on his time. Mainly dealing with unresolved issues in childhood. He probably looks at or treats you like mom when you confront or question his stupid behavior.
OP is usually someone they can feel like they are helping in some way. And like Florence Nighting Gale they usually fall madly in love and knock boots.
If it is MLC for the spouse, then, and this from the horse's mouth (my wife and several others who suffered MLC some who did look like horses...but not my wife) They are unable to help themselves, they are unable to fix this 'broke' thing inside of them.
So much like displaced anger on the LBS. They displace the 'fix' on others. If I can fix/help them then maybe I can feel better, maybe I can fix/help myself.
So really compare yourself to the OP. Yes they might be thinner, or younger...but really I think in most cases...they are in serious need of fixing in some manner.
Trapt's views are spot on from my experience as well.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Okay, I'm feeling better now. You could tell by the language in my other post I was a wee bit p'd. It makes me feel better to know that even another man will see how stupid this stuff is that he's doing! You've given me a couple of laughs Trapt.
I really don't use THAT much bad language on a normal basis. I am 4th grade teacher!!! Ha,ha,ha!!! Somehow his sorry a** just brings it out in me! I'm going to hang on to the womanchild thing. It makes me laugh. Can't lose the sense of humor, it gets me though life.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Hi SoConfused, Don't worry to much about exposing ow. I think it happens more than not. In the end it's probably a huge weight off your shoulds. Really, it doesn't matter how detached you are, you still hurt. I was pretty detached when I found out. How can you not feel hurt, betrayed and shocked. My heart fell right into my stomach like a big lump of coal. On the other hand I see many positives in your actions. You layed out the boundaries plane as day of what's acceptable & what is not. Bravo to that!! Keep venting here, it really does help.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
