Letting go and taking a left off last laugh lane

[JCJ]

Hey Girls

Thank you for checking in on me. I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster of emotion at the moment but trying to keep it as smooth as possible. For some reason this has hurt me more than finding out about ow - or maybe it is the combination.

So the last time I posted I was go, go, go. Yesterday I dropped and was exhausted and emotional. It all felt too over-whelming and today I seem to be powered up with anger. There is sooooo much I want to rant at him so I am going to write him a massive long letter and hit the delete button. Dignity is the key here!

I have texted him and asked him to meet me next week. A final attempt at seeing if I can get some communication happening about this. My tactic in the meeting will be to state what I know and then silence. Before he has sat at me in silence and I have filled it. This time, silence. We can sit there in silence for hours if he likes, I'm perfectly ok with silence now.

I'm not sure she is a stepping stone Al, he has made his bed I think he hasn't got the guts or inclination to get out of it. He can sleep in it till it goes rotten as it will. He's 26, plenty of time for karma to take its course. I have no doubt he will find himself in this position again. She doesn't realise she was just novel, not special.

Mishka, thank you for encouraging words, they really meant a lot.

naej, I'm certainly roaring today. Can you hear it??? You are right though the emotional cost is great. Although this is taking a long time to sort out I have no doubt I will come out of it with the better deal. When I am free of the house I am going to make the most of life and I can't wait for the adventure, although it is a little scary!

It is taking so long though... sigh!

[mishka422]

(((((((Julia)))))))

Anger? You betcha! But anger can push us to be constructive instead of destructive and you seem to be using it to achieve your goals.

I sincerely hope he will meet with you so you can lay your cards on the table and then walk away with nothing of importance left unsaid.

You are right, he made his bed. They all do don't they? We do the same. The only difference is the choices they made hurt other people and destroyed lives. You are the better person, you will come out on top. Look at it this way - his bad decisions forced you to grow and look at the magnificent woman you have become because of it. I'm not saying you weren't spectacular before, just that you were staying in your comfort zone. Now......watch out world!!! Here comes Julia, roaring in to take charge and be FABULOUS doing it!!!!

[JCJ]

I'm meeting with a solicitor on Tuesday morning. She is really nice, I have met with her before and she isn't at all pushy.

I felt slightly panicked but am more calm now. This is really hard because I feel like this is the first step towards D and it is so scary. I suddenly feel very young! Which is silly really because it is the same any age you are. I have put my 'I can do this on my own' thing aside and asked my sister to come to the appointment with me and she is great so hopefully it won't be too bad.

Mishka, your post brought made me well up - thank you. It really helped.

[MsMelancoly]

Mishka, you always seem to say the right thing - can I ditto that?

As Jody advised me, once you lay your cards on the table, you must be ready for all possible scenarios. And yes, sometimes anger gives you the powerful feeling you need to move on & make what seem to be risky choices. Your H has made his choice, he is still playing like a little boy. Use your wisdom & strength that you have gained. (Ok, now it sounds like I'm talking to Zena).

[naej]

JCJ, I am so glad you are taking your sister, you do need someone with you even if it is only to remember what is said.
After my first visit one of my son's always came simply because I couldn't remember a thing she said or what she said didn't actually resemble what I thought she had said.!

Deep breaths and yes I heard you roar-lol.
What fantastic weather we are having so if it goes cold again blame me cos I went summer clothes shopping! I know never cast a clout til May be out, but it made me feel sooooo much better.
Enjoy your week end.
You are doing fine.

[mishka422]

Mishka, you always seem to say the right thing - can I ditto that?

I just hear in Julia's word the exact same feelings I had when I had to step forward with the D because my xH stopped cold and was content leaving me hanging with no legal protection from his stupidity. This is one "voice of experience" I would rather not have had, but it is what it is. If anything I ever say here can help any one of my friends, then I'm more than happy!

Julia is the bomb!!! I hope to some day go to London and meet up with her and Lisa and hear their beautiful voices and watch the expressions on their faces as they talk. I can hear the light shining in Julia's words when she talks about her excitement. I would love to see it in her eyes too. What a wonderful gift.

[One Day]

(((Julia)))

I hope the course is going well! Did H respond to your request to meet? I hope he did/does. You guys really need to have a conversation about things, IMHO.

Look forward to catching up soon,

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,

I'm with Lisa, I wonder why you dont just have a talk with H, now that you are prepared to see a L and also.. you seem to have done a lot of work to come to a point of acceptance. To be honest, I was pretty shocked your H was seeing that girl from before the christmas 07 and before he said he didnt want to try anymore in teh May, as it didnt come across that way on your thread. So when you revealed all this to us, just exactly how long it had been going on, I guess things made more sense and also, why he was now living with her. I'm really sorry, life threw you the sh*tty end of the lollipop, me too, theres no explanation, but I am sure good things will come out of it for us both. I know it freed me up, mentally and physically and I'm less fearful and more giving to others now. For you, who knows if you would have gone on to do that music therapy if you were still with H? (and it sounds like a brilliant idea!)

I like your plan to get him to meet with you and then, not jump in and make it easier for him, but wait for him to fill the silences and actually explain himself. Good luck with that one though! Keep us posted and thinking of you,

Al x

[JCJ]

Hi Guys

Yes, I texted h to ask him to meet last week and gave him possible days and he got back to me today saying Thursday evening was good so I am going to have to think about what I am going to say to him. Sigh! Ms M - I will lay my cards on the table, you are totally right. It will be really hard for me though, totally outside of my box!!

Positive news, I've been on my Music Therapy course this weekend and it was really interesting. Totally not what I expected and has given me lots of food for thought. I am going to really consider carefully over the next few months and try and work out if it would be financially possible for me to do this and whether it is for me or not.

A side note, but quite funny, a guy on the course was showing me a lot of interest. It takes a while for me to open up to people when I first meet them. I tend to stick by myself these days when I'm in a new situation - I find it very hard to just go up and talk to strangers. Anyway, yesterday I didn't really want to socialise so I sat and read my book at lunch etc. Today I went outside for the morning break and this guy sat down and joined me - I was a bit annoyed but friendly. Then at lunch I went to go to the shop and there he was again, we ended up sharing bread a cheese for lunch and having a real laugh. Then on the way home there he was again - he travelled all the way to my station in North London, even though I subsequently found out he was going to South East London!! And finally he asked me if he could have my email address so we could make friends on FB and the next time he was in London could we go and see some jazz together. So nice and unexpected! He had to work hard to get my attention! A good PMA booster and he was also quite hot, 6'4" and nicely toned (I couldn't help but notice ).

(((naej))) Yes, you are right. I will make my sister take notes, thank you that is a really good point! I'm loving the weather at the moment. The weather man said though rain next week, I hope he is wrong. It feels like we haven't seen blue sky for months.

(((Mishka))) you're so lovely. Thank you, you made me well up again!

(((Lisa))) Yes, we do need to have a convo, sigh. I hate having to be the 'responsible' one. It will be good for me to address the issues though directly, a 180.

(((Al))) I was in denial for so long. It now seems so obvious that was why he left. Classic signs! I just didn't want to believe it of him. I do believe he was confused until May 08. He was still seeing me, saying he didn't know if he loved me or not, he took a cuddly toy that was special to us away with him when he went away etc (although I now know he was in Ireland with her!!!!). It is hard to swallow that he had an affair, but easier in a way, I can stop blaming myself which has been a huge problem for me for the 18 months.

[naej]

Hi JCJ, I am glad you have stopped blaming yourself. An A is kind of like a double edged sword in some ways-yuck.

Actually very very few men waw without either being in an affair set up or someone waiting in the wings.
Time and time again I have seen posters certain there is no one else, sadly only to be devastated again when they find out the truth.I guess some are better at hiding it and also we just don't want to see it.

Hope the meeting goes well, sometimes it helps to make a few notes of what you want to say, keeps you on track. Not to read from it but maybe keep in handbag and refer to in the ladies if you feel overwhelmed.
I hope it goes as you want it to.
Good luck.