It's automatic when you feel it

[Bagheera]

Good morning, Cinco;

I was thinking about your situation on the way in to work this morning, and comparing it to my own.

In my own case, my wife was able to read the first chapter of The Sex-Starved Marriage and *finally* understand that it it hadn't been just her hurting in our relationship, that it had been BOTH of us, and she then vowed to work with me to repair our marriage, including seeking out professional counseling. That was in November of 2007, we began counseling in February of 2008, and it's been bumpy but steady progress ever since. As it turns out, my wife is NOT naturally LD, but has a brand of sexuality which is not 'politically correct' (from a "Nice Girl" or Feminist standpoint) and as such, she kept it well hidden from me (and often herself) for many years. We've worked hard to establish the level of trust and the environment where she can open herself up to exploring and enjoying her sexuality -- for the first time, really.

In your case, you've been posting here for several months (since 6/20/08), and while your wife has made a few steps in your direction, and seems to at least consider exploring and developing her own sexuality on occasion, she continues to back away from that particular precipace each time it looms in front of her. DQ has sometimes questioned whether or not there is an inate sexuality there for her to explore, but I tend to think that, yes, there is, based upon your history together, which you detailed here, and summed up in this statement from your very first post:

The story of our M is like many of the others that I have read here. We had healthy and satisfying ML until our D was born. Then it was like a switch was thrown, "I'm a mom now, my wife days are over." She has never actually said this but her actions spoke louder than words.

Something was there previously, and seemed to have gone on beyond the first 1-2 wonderful years of the relationship, where even a naturally LD person can get caught up in the 'bonding euphoria.' As the relationship progressed, however, something changed, the Mommy-Shield went up, and now that your daughter is a teenager, it's the We're-Old-Shield. You've mentioned three issues which raise red flags, from what I remember:

(1) A long series of failed pregnancies and miscarriages, at least of which was life-threatening. Scary stuff, and whether you like it or not, it is linked to sex and sexual relations, particularly from a woman's perspective.

(2) Pain and discomfort during intercourse. This is partly due to changes in her body as she ages, and partly due to your penis size. Men may think that being well-endowed is The Shitz, and women may find it magnificent to look at and handle, but I've read (and know from a friend's situation with his wife) that penetration (of whatever oriface) frequently causes problems unless a lot of care, lubrication, and communication occurs.

(3) Your previous affairs --> which I believe continue to be the 'white elephant in the room' of your relationship, and that you BOTH steadfastly try to ignore. DanceQueen laid it out very clearly for you here: you won't be able to fix your relationship, or get your wife on board, until you are able to own up to your past, and live with integrity as a man. Only then, I think, will your wife have the courage to face her own suppressed sexuality and open up to you again (figuratively and literally).

You mentioned that in the early stages of your previous reconciliation, when your wife convinced YOU to seek counseling with HER:

The counselor was baffled, she couldn't figure out why we were divorcing, we really weren't mean to each other and could talk to each other. Just fix the sex part and you're good. No one knew about the OW though and to this day she has remained a secret.

That counselor couldn't fix a facade, and yet that's what you continue to ask your wife to do now -- help you to fix a facade. I strongly suspect that your wife knew about the affairs, and to this day, continues to hold them, and your lack of honesty now, against you. My point is this: in order for your wife to ever explore her own sexuality again, and share that sexuality with you, it will take a complete change of heart on her part, a long effort, and professional counseling. And I suspect that the only way that change of heart will come about is if YOU come completely clean and show her the full, dirty, honest state of your relationship to date -- and then the two of you work to repair the actual building, not just the facade.

Keep in mind, however, that this is just Bagheera talking --? my opinion only. I have NO training and NO certifications in marriage counseling. I'm just some smart-ass who set out to repair his own marriage and read a bunch of books and did a lot of thinking about it along the way. You'll have to decide what the best course of action is for yourself: I'm just giving you some food for thought.

Take care,

-- B.