WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

Well she called and we had a pretty long chat on the phone - about 30 minutes.

She told me that she likes the idea of me staying in the house to provide some stability for the kids. Then she did say that she wants to be true to her feelings and her feelings don't allow her to be comfortable staying in the marriage and house.

I then told her that I loved her very much and want her to stay but I know I'd be fine taking care of the house and kids if she left. I then pressed that I do want to be able to help her achieve her what she wants in life. She said she wants to be true to her feelings which are "saying" that she doesn't want to be in a marriage relationship with me. I told her that's not saying what she wants in life, just what she doesn't want, there is a big difference. I kept asking her but she had no idea.

I did wind up appologizing for being so touchy when she climbed into bed the other nite. I said I thought I had appologized but wasn't sure. She said I did so I dropped it at that.

I told her that I've also been trying to figure out what I want in life. In the past I had said that I wanted to be happy and she made me feel happy. I've realized now that's not true. She didn't make me feel happy. Only I can decide to feel happy. She had made me feel loved.

Right now I'm trying to decide what will make me happy. I didn't know that answer yet either. What I do know is that my kids will always make me feel loved so I will be good there.

I then shared with her that I now understand that a marriage means helping each of us achieve what we want in life. Since I didn't know what that was and I never understood what she wanted in life either. That has been one of our issues but I'm trying to figure out what I want and thought it would be good if she could spend some time to figure out what she wants in life.

She then pressed about custody and I just said we both agree we want what's best for the kids, but I do not know what that means either. I think it's important both parents are involved in their lives. I said I don't want that to be the only thing that is keeping her in the house.

She said that if she went and got an apartment she doesn't want me to hold that against her legall. I told her that if that's what she wanted to do, I wanted her to feel free that she could do that. I was not going to hold her back. What I did feel was important was that whatever she decided, we should continue to go to counseling together. She said that she would.

Then she talked about being friends after a divorce and that's when I told her that if we do get divorced, I told her that I would be civil and cordial, but I could not see being friends with the woman I love know I can't show her that I love her.

She said she had to go to another meeting but said that if I wanted to meet for lunch to talk, she would. I pushed it back on her to tell me what she wanted. If she wanted to meet for lunch to talk, I would love to, but would be fine if she didn't want to as we could always talk on Sunday. She sounded sad (like she was tearing up) and said she wanted to. I told her it would have to be an early lunch as I need to pick up our oldest son from school at 12:30 so we can leave for our trip.

Not sure if meeting for lunch is a good thing - may be good to let her be over the weekend feeling down. I need to pay attention to any "enabling" behavior that could strengthen her.

Any comments/suggestions/encouragement would be greatly appreciated!