WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

I'm giving you your orange belt early, since she tested you and you didn't crumble. To earn purple, you are going to have to come to terms with the process she is pushing. You need to do this so that you can handle it cleanly with her. That means that when she makes time to discuss it, you don't freak out and backslide.

It is going to be tough, but your job is work on not taking it personally.

Well it sounds like I'm going to get a crack at my purple belt pretty soon.

My current read on my situation is that after our little discussion this morning, she's going to try to see if the apartment that she had found in Jan is still available (it most likely is as there are a ton of apartment complexes around with rentals available). If she does and sets a move out date, I know I can't force her to stay.

I've tried to give her reasons to stay by showing her I've changed. That's the best that I can do and I have come to that realization

The boys and I are leaving at 1 PM today to head up to see my friends in CT. It will be a good time.

She was totally emotionless during our discussion this morning. I've come to expect this. I guess it's her way of being strong. I got a little emotional when I got to talking about the kids. I'm frustrated with myself that I still haven't gotten that under control as I think it gives her some satisfaction when she sees me sad. If that's true, then I know she is not someone who I want in my life.

I know I looked a little weak at the end of my conversation as I told her that I didn't want to have this discussion when we were pressed for time in the morning and then just leave for a couple of days. I told her that if she wanted to talk, we could meet for lunch or she could just call me.

I'm very concerned of how she said that she didn't think knowing what she wanted to do in life was important and that she was just taking it one day at a time and right now she just wants a divorce. When she said that I told her that I felt it was important and it was something that I would like to know (bad move, as immediately after I said it, it sounded controlling and it was something that she would do for me).

If we do talk, I'll have to twist it around of how it's something I feel she should do for her to know what she wants in life or something like that.

Any thoughts?