Divorce looming #6

[K4D]

25,

I think I also just need friends to talk to. Yall are pretty much it for me here in Florida. Granted I know a couple people a bit, but its not a daily thing or anything like that.

I think I just really miss my W and kids.

Kevin

[K4D]

The other thing I struggle with is trying to figure out where the line is between not being controlling, but standing up for my rights. I'm not sure where the fine line is there. And the other thing I have to take into account is whether or not if I say something if it will bring me closer to my goal or not.

And sometimes I'm not sure if standing up for something is worth the confrontation that may come because of it. As I don't want things worse, at the same time, I don't want to be a doormat. But do I put a bigger wedge between us by standing up to her on something like her being in the room when I talk to the kids?

Kevin

[JDOllie]

Kevin,
If it concerns your kids, you put aside your goals, and screw the line.

When I found out W was going to bring OM to my kids games, on MY time, I said I would walk out. She brought him, and I took my kids in their uniforms and walked out the door.

Did it help my "goal"? I didn't care. Did it drive a wedge between us? I didn't care.

What I cared about was that my wife was having an affair, and flaunting it, and my kids were going to know that it wasn't right.

I didn't care what W thought, or what goal it met, or what it did. Alot of people actually recommended I NOT walk out.

You will know in your heart if it's right or not. For example, moving back to Dallas to be with your kids, and sacrificing, and working two jobs, and studying your butt off - why would you even consider what W thought in that case?

I am filing divorce at approximately 5pm tomorrow. It doesn't achieve my goal, it will certainly put a wedge between W and I, but you know what?

It will bring closure to me and my kids, it'll help us all move on, it'll put an end to 2.5 years of waffling, and it'll be a moral lesson to my kids as well.

Sometimes, doing the right thing isn't easy or fun.

I'm not necessarily suggesting that you do any of what I've mentioned, but if you start with what is best for your KIDS, you won't have to worry about what is controlling or not because it won't matter... That's served me well so far.

[K4D]

Ya, in one sense, she is actually communicating with me. Its not something she does any other time. So she obviously cares about what I think to some extent or she wouldn't be saying anything right?

But ya JD, I hear ya. She isn't treating me or the kids with any respect by having this A and divorcing me and splitting up our family like this.

Now before 25 comes back and slams me, granted, I did not show her the respect she needed for many years either and even as of late by not just leaving her alone.

Trying to work on that.

I guess the best way to look at it is what is best for my kids. And if it is best for them to not have her there so they can talk freely to me, then maybe that is what is best.

Kevin

[MrBond]

WTF? That is not communicating with you. She is taking up time that you should be spending with your girls ALONE.

And what do you mean IF it is best? Do you want to talk to them alone or not? Or are you just happy to see your W's face and hear her voice? I think that it's the latter.

Do you care for your kids above your W? If not, then you seriously have your priorities mixed up.

[K4D]

Stuck808,

Of course I care for my kids and love them dearly. Ya, I need to get alone time with them. My D7 is obvious when she needs to talk to me alone because she just won't say anything until she is alone with me.

But my D11 I am not sure about when she needs to talk to me alone other than when her mom interjects and then D11 frowns. Then I know W needs to leave the room.

I will just have to be diplomatic about asking her to leave the room.

Kevin
Kevin

[lost-n-Iowa]

From a woman's point of view. It sounds like the W is hanging around the computer while you are on it with your girls so that she can moniter what is being said. I get the feeling that she is worried that you will be 'bashing' her and if she is in the room then you won't do it in front of her. My advise is to never bash the other parent in front of the kids (even if you don't it is always a good rule to remember)and then the next time that she is in the peanut gallery making her little comments, I would ask the girls to give you a minute to talk to mommy, as they are getting ready to leave just say a quick love you and a talk to you in a minute to them. Then ask your wife the same questions that you have been asking on here. Why she does this? Then tell her to STOP it. Don't be 'diplomatic' about it. It's your time with the girls, not your time and hers. TELL HER TO STOP IT!! Stand up to her. She is only doing this b/c she knows you are allowing her to do it.

At least this is a jumping off point to standing up to her controlling ways and may get your foot in the door for a little respect from her.

P.S. I mean it when I tell you to tell the girls you love them. Being a woman, you telling me to stop it will tick me off for a bit and not want to let you do the computer thing with the girls but the girls would wear me down and and make me feel like the bad person not you. I hope that I am making since in all of this post.

[K4D]

Hi lost-n-Iowa,

Yes, you make sense.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Kev-

I echo what lost said...plus, bashing the other parent during divorce proceedings is called "parental alienation" and is prohibited in many states (in California you can LOSE custody for bashing the other spouse), and in ALL states it can affect custody. (So I guess if your w wants to call you a "@#$%^&*!!", in front of the kids, she has to STAY M to you!!??)

Seriously, it's a bad idea. She can't do it and you can't either. Tell her you won't, and that now it's time for you to talk privately to the kids. You don't need monitoring. But will your w say that you do? I mean, is there a reason for her to be concerned?

Assuming no, then just do as Lost suggests. No biggie. You want the kids to feel freely able to speak; it's about their freedom to speak openly, not yours. What is she afraid they'll say? Ask her that.

As for the fine line between control and not being a doormat, hey, welcome to the DB world. We all have to find where the line is between setting a healthy boundary and being punitive...and the line shifts sometimes ...which also sucks. But that IS a problem we all have had to face and often still do.

But of course when you get back there, most of this will be moot. So, how's the GAL and job hunt there going? Or the studying? Whatever the Plan du jour is, how is it going?

(( j ))

[K4D]

25,

I'm not getting any calls back on any jobs. I am studying. The job market doesn't look very good right now. But hopefully that will change with some time. I'm just trying to learn what I can and try and be as prepared as possible.

GAL is not going so well. I need to try better at that.

I have a friend from Dallas who is flying into Orlando on March 30th for a job training thing so he called me this morning and told me he wants to get together. So I will be driving over there to hang with him a bit for that day. Its only an hour away. Not bad at all.

I don't know if W is worried I will say something. When I was there, we got into an arguement one night after I had finally gotten tired of taking her crap and in the heat of the arguement the kids walked in and I kept going and telling her that she is the reason our family is breaking up and she couldn't be more selfish for seeking this D and destroying our family. I was so mad at the time and of course the kids heard it.

She has been suspicious of me ever sense that arguement. I should have stopped when the kids walked in, but I was just livid with W.

I have also prayed for our family to be healed and stay together when it was me and the kids and that really got on her nerves.

And yes, the kids do know that this is her decision and not mine. I felt like she needed to own up to this alone in front of them since she was the one pursuing it. She and her BFF made me out to be the bad guy for that. But I was not going to tell my kids I was ok with this or for it when I am not. I was not going to lie to them.

So W holds some resentment towards me and distrust from when I was there.

I should have handled some things better like the arguement. But I don't apologize for not going along with this D infront of the kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with them knowing where I stand on the issue.

I'm not for it. I'm not going to lie and say I am.

At the same time I don't talk about it with them now. When they say they miss me and want me home. I tell them I miss them to and want to be home with them and I tell them I wish I could be, but I can't right now. But I tell them that when I do get home, we will have a great time together.

Kevin