Hi AJ, Thank you again for the calming and clarifing words. Is there any thing I should be looking for to let me know the detaching is working? I'm concerned he thinks "Oh, well, I guess she's done" and then moves on and really moves on.
I think we all have the same fear -- "what happens if we both detach and move on -- then what??" I know I sure do. The point, however, is that one person can't hold on without the other. If he is detached, then you have to as well.
You'll know that you are detached when you stop thinking about him or caring what he is thinking or doing.
IMO the point is to detach, but not actively push him away by becoming cold, unfriendly or rude - ie leave the door open or the bridge intact. It's not easy, because just keeping the door open, maintaining friendly contact, continuing to show that you care about the person, etc keeps you somewhat attached.
It's a difficult line to walk - just keep struggling along with the rest of us.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Detaching is not something that separates people from their relationships - it is about emotional detachment where you give each other room in the relationship to exist and be who you are. To coexist peaceably. That requires compromise, goodwill, and maturity. IMHO, the traditional M vows say something like - the two become one - gets misunderstood to mean two people have to become one person or the same. But it really means that two people have to work as a team (one unit) and coordinate daily to meet responsibilities etc.
Going dark or physical separation may or may not result in a permanent break depending on the experience of it. If you separate and miss each other then it brings you back together. If you find you life is better without the other person then you may want to explore the reason for that feeling and may decide to make it permanent or not. (Sometimes changes can be made to accommodate the reason which keep the M together)
Signs to look for - you have to make your own list of what you want to see. I think there is a chapter on deciding what you want in the DR book. Being specific helps a lot - i.e., I have signs like - being sober, having a convo without arguing, showing concern for my health, welfare, the kids, talking in a respectful manner, not mentioning the D word, does that help? Make up a list that applies to your sitch. Then think about what are the ways you could let him know the door is open? That you would like to spend time with him etc.
My H often pressures me (tries to control me) and when he started asking me if I would meet for coffee at a neutral location -that was different for him. When he says he needs to talk to someone please call back if available -that's different and when it is important - that is also different. Does this help? You may have to adjust the list a few times or discuss it with your DB coach.
Not to drag this out but I posted on a DA thread this explanation from Alanon about what is detachment -
if your H falls on the floor next to the bed drunk- to pick him up and put him in bed = enabling (the opposite of detach) if your H falls on the floor next to the bed drunk - to ignore him = not caring (not detach) if your H falls on the floor next to the bed drunk -to put a blanket over him is detaching.
...and my joke for the day to add to this diddy is," what do you call it when it is you that has fallen down drunk on the floor next to the bed". Hope you can laugh at that one. If I offend you I am sorry - it just slipped out.
I am pretty hard to offend, so please, keep the jokes coming.
I still can't shake the fear he won't miss me. But the truth is that if he doesn't, I'll have my answer that much sooner. Honestly, this all just really really sucks. I don't want to start over again. Period. Oh, plus I'm still in love with him, which makes the idea of starting over again so much worse.
Today when he got out of work, he called the stupid ex-OW from his EA. I don't know why he does this. She's so afraid of me that she emails me to let me know. (I've blocked her number from being able to call or text me.) He's told me and she's confirmed that he's helping her with career decisions and such. But really, I wish she would stop emailing. Normally, I just delete them. I looked at it today because I'm in was in the middle of day three of going dark. He used to call me at that time. And really, I guess I'm sensitive right now because of the going dark. He did call me around 8:00 and I was playing tennis. I only saw him for about 20 seconds today and that's because I was driving by the golf course and he was getting ready to play. I stopped said hi and kept going. I called him back around 8:45 he didn't answer. He called me back--in the shower. We talked for about 5 minutes. Nothing serious. Pretty neutral. I've had more intimate conversations with strangers. But I won my tennis match. I really really hate this crap. Anyone still think I can be cautiously optimistic? Oh, and Kassie, ,"what do you call it when it is you that has fallen down drunk on the floor next to the bed"....I call it a good night.
Update. I was trying to send a text to my tennis partner. She is also separated from her H, but they are at least in therapy together and he's never said the big D. But her sitch has been for more than a year ago that he moved out so lots of frustration for her. But we were texting because she got home and has family in town, so we couldn't speak. But I sent her text that would have made sense to her but it didn't make sense to my H, which is who I sent it to, not paying attention. He sent back "Huh?" And then called me. We were talking and he was ok at first, then became sort of jerky. In the conversation, I stayed pretty calm but I did tell him, "I'm just a little bit insulted that you actually question whether you can trust me over people you've called crazy. As a matter of fact you once asked me 'have you told me the truth about those two crazies'." Anyways, longer than I wanted the conversation to be- made short, he did say again, "You have the most to lose here, but you just don't understand I'm not coming back to you." I am so past crying. Can someone just get the magic wand out and make my life pretty good? I'm not being greedy here. I don't need perfect, just pretty darn good will do it for me. And I had been on a roll with going a dark as we could with kids. But I screwed up and texted him. I screw up again when he calls and I answer. And I was doing so so well. But again, he said "I'm not coming back to you." Anyone still see some hope here? I think I do....he did call when he got the confusing text. So, very very dark I go for the next few days? Or what?
That's what I was saying before. You'll have your slips. You'll just have to brush it off and start again.
Actually, I find that interesting that he's still sticking to "the script" and saying that you have the most to lose -projection if you ask me. He's got a lot to lose, but won't take his responsibility in this.
He's also likely hurt from the previous you. That will be ther a while. He'll have to learn to trust you again. That will be painful, confusing, and will take forever.
You're doing great. Keep it low-key. Detach because otherwise you'll likely collide and explode. Be careful what you tell your friends outside of "we're working on our issues" - your friends want to see you stop being hurt. They'll tell you things that may not be the right stuff. I personally tell my friends to encourage me to hang in there. Anything else won't suffice.
When you get a chance to have those conversations, stay out of the R talks. That last one is going to set you back a little, but you've got his attention. At a sub-conscious level if I had to guess. He's wondering. That's good. It builds curiousity. He can't ignore it.
Go back to detaching and GAL'ng. The summer's coming and you'll enjoy it. Work on you and don't even TRY to work on him until you're happy with the changes in you. That should be your next goal. In the meantime, this last time was three days. Can you go four?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Stress and the walkaway spouse and life in general. Or something like that.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
FOUR DAYS???? Oh, I guess I can try. We had to see each other today and we had to talk about some insurance stuff to get it finalized in the check in the mail to us. (We were burglarized, like I needed that stress too.)
But the next few days, we probably won't see each other. We'll see each other on Sunday when he comes over for dinner. And I could leave, but I think it would hurt my friends feelings. They love the Sunday night dinner with us and truth be told, so do I.
But then next week, he has S Monday, Wednesday and for the weekend starting Friday at 6:30. So there can be a lot of Dark Days then and I'm going to have to maybe leave town so I won't be around to help him.
The thing I hate about this the most.....I miss my sweet son and his sweet little face and his gorgeous smile when he's not with me. But I know I need my alone time too and my girl time.
My friends have actually been pretty great. The only thing any of them say is that encourage me to encourage him to seek C. He doesn't believe in "that stuff" so I can push that envelope right now. But I do hope he'll change his mind.
Today, things have been fine, very normal actually during my few interactions with him. That's good.
"When you get a chance to have those conversations, stay out of the R talks. That last one is going to set you back a little, but you've got his attention. At a sub-conscious level if I had to guess. He's wondering. That's good. It builds curiousity. He can't ignore it."
What do you mean by the above? How did I get his attention? By backsliding?
