Bernie's chapter (in The New Male Sexuality) on ED has a series of very specific exercises laid out for working to solve the problem: the same exercies that many sex therapists would use. Have you looked over these exercises with your husband and tried to put together a plan of action? Like the PE chapter, the first few exercises may not even be necessary (i.e., the case isn't that severe), so you move down the list until you come to the exercise which applies best to your situation and begin there. Some will be 'solo' exercises, and some will be 'partner' exercises, or have an either / or option. Since he won't go to a therapist, would he be willing to work with you on a self-diagnosis and treatment effort?
I personally went through the PE exercises in the book on my own (and with my wife), such that by the time our actual marriage counselor / sex therapist felt like we were ready to start work on some of our 'performance' issues, we were already on the last exercise in the chapter and that particular problem pretty much solved. Next! Bernie's book works.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
