SO2, Hi lady! Good to hear you! When I went dark in Jan I thought it would either work or not work. The operative word being that he would either get help and get back to me or not. He did get sober, and I guess his assumption was that once he was sober I would reconcile with him. I told him then that it was far more important for him to learn how to stay sober - than to worry about our R. AT 30 days he asked to start seeing each other again, I asked him if he thought he was ready to support me - he said yes. I told him I wasn't ready. I wanted to check back in 30 days to see how things were going. He started calling me one week later - I ignored the calls. A second week later I still ignored them - but since we work at the same place - he confronted me at work. But the convo kept going to the same place where we argue so I cut it off - he stayed at it all day including giving me a lecture about how he is learning in IC that he pushes me away when he doesn't like what I say or do. AND... says I do the same thing! NOT SO! but he doesn't know the difference between pushing someone away and cutting a convo off that is headed in a bad direction. I am trying to change the negative interaction we have of arguing whenever we talk.
So, that night I call him and ask that he not confront me at work anymore. He then told me his agenda - he wants me for support in his sobriety because no one else will be there for him anymore -#2) he is being accepted into the RC church at Easter and wanted me there with him - the other part of that one is he feels he has to lie or make up an excuse for why I am not present for it. To sum up - he feels alone and wants me to be there for him. My response to him was, "how about trying the truth for a change." and "how about remembering all the times I have been there for you including the many times you tried to get sober and showing some appreciation." No response from him since.
As far as the suggestion about a timeline? When he tried to get sober in Ju'07 - I thought things would be ok. When he relapsed and stop meetings in Aug'07 my BFF suggested that I set a time line for a decision then. I knew about the "rule" for A's not to make major decisions in the first year -so I thought I would give him a year. So, I prep'd myself, things got progressively worse, until I said I had had enough in Jul'08. He moved out immediately. Since this is my second M, I wanted to take my time with a decision to end this M and examine my part in it. I really didn't want to end it at the time. After 7 months of the same while separated I accepted the idea that I might have to end it. Then he gets sober - so now I don't know whether or not to give him another year or not. I genuinely am still attracted to this man when we aren't arguing. I genuinely feel connected to him and love him. I don't know if I can live with him again though. I have thought about this a lot. I have so many horrible memories of how he treated me, his A ruined all our firsts and I don't have many positive memories.
How did you do make your decision and would you have done anything different if you had a do-over?
