Ugg. Tears. Still trying to figure out how to reconcile DB w/ MC.
The entire session was focused on H. The C asked if I minded being a bystander. The C was having an exchange/discussion, etc with my husband and then trying to get him to reflect on the quality of the exchange and how it made H feel. It continues to be very difficult for my husband to see why he/anybody would want to feel uncomfortable or to talk about negative emotions (or even positive ones). He just does not seem to be able to get comfort from talking (maybe from anything).
Some statements/details of the discussion: He said we were in bad shape. He said he knows we are separated and continues to say it works two ways. Mentioned that since I said he needs to be the leader that he would be putting in more work and "hoping" he would get something out of it. Said he found a "positive relationship" with OW. He described our relationship going off the rails little by little. He is VERY angry and resentful and let some of that out. Feels like I have always only given him what I felt like (this is the very flagrant nugget of projection) and that he felt like 2nd class. He was bringing up examples of how he gave and gave and didn't get back (a backrub example) that were 5+ years old. He is very upset about our daughter coming home from college and "cancelling out 20 years of his support" (her ignoring him or being mad), because he "made an emotional connection" with OW. He downplays what he did with the OW but then holds it out as extremely meaningful. He is uncomfortable with our separateness. Wants to be closer. Afraid to build up the same thing we had. Doesn't know what the eff his needs are. Held my hand once last week and didn't think I reacted positively enough back. So that taught him to not do that anymore (victim). He said showing affection would be insincere. Said (as he was spewing) that I've always had time for whatever I wanted to do but not him. I said I made up what his wants and needs were and then tried to satisfy them. His feelings have always been a secret. He feels like he knows me but I don't know him. I apologized several times that that's how it was for him. He said now he's mad and I'm crying and now he has to fix my problems and why would anyone want a relationship with negative emotions. He walked to his car venting about going back to work because they want something out of him too. This is definitely MLC talking. Nobody who knows us would agree with the level of effort in the relationship. But he does FEEL that way and that is what matters.
The C asked us to experiment with some affection and communicating how it feels to each other (doesn't have to be sexual).
I don't know what to do with all this info. I feel like he is saying if I don't rescue him/us, we are done. I'm doing all I can to stay cool and GAL/PMA instead of chasing/overwhelming. I understand that GAL leaves him alone to learn that HIS problems will follow HIM and not actually be because of me, BUT, he continues to insist that he is the one who was forgotten and left out.
Thoughts, comments welcome especially regarding how to leave him to work through the MLC while we are in MC. They seem to contradict.
