Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

OK......Hi-lites of the day.......

- H called this morning to tell me that we got an $800 cell phone bill due to S17 using 6500+ minutes! H start starts singing the "I'm done!" song again. I stay calm. Supportive. Validate his feelings. Tell him I don't necessarily agree with that choice, but I understand.

- I call H later in the morning to ask about how talk with S17 went. S17 has admitted that he threw the party at the house this past weekend (no surprise there). H talks with S17 and they come to much agreement that S17 is out of control. Needs to stay in IC and go to substance abuse treatment.

- I receive e-mail from H which he forwarded from the admin assistant at the retirement facility where he works saying that S17 came in volunteering to help and she put him to work filing.....H says S17 did this on his own.....maybe there is a glimmer of hope for S.....and H.

- S17 and I each have IC sessions. I am finally coming to really see that my life will go on. I will be happy. S17 says his session with C went very well, but didn't share details......I didn't ask.

- Tried to call my brother to smooth things over.....he's drunk so we didn't talk.....I love him, but I can't take on problems any more :(.....sticking to my new emotional boundaries.

- Sitting here wondering if J will call like he said he would......feel a little like a teenager all over again.....Will he call......what if he doesn't call?......should I call him?...... No, that would be pushy.....


I think I'm doin' OK............

[Silent Chrleader]

Update....

- H came over for breakfast this morning and to discuss S17's "plan" for getting back on track. It went fine....time will tell.

- H is having S17 do a lot of stuff at the house.....I'm a little concerned about this, because the idea was that H was supposed to do the work there, but he spends all his time in the city with his "new life" and "new friends".......

- J didn't call.

- My trip to CA is back on again thanks to tax return. I'm hoping this road trip will be some good quality time with S17 (or rather S18).

- Did Water Aerobics on Thursday, went out to dinner and a birthday party with a girl friend on Friday night. Tonight went over to Mom's house for dinner and cards (euchre!). So, doing OK on the GAL front......

- Finally talked to and got things straightened out with my brother. He has started going to AA meetings with step-day apparently, so he seems to be finally making some good steps. I told him that I don't do the "never speaking to you again" thing. We are a family, and he better not ever do that again or I will come over and brain him!! He agreed whole-heartedly.

So, on the whole, I am doing fine......still having a tough time on patience. Sometimes I feel so down, and then an hour later I am fine........Hormones, and depression, and anxiety (Oh My!)

Hugs to you all, my friends!!!! [[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]

[MomInPain]

Hi SC!

Just wanted to check in and say hi.

Sorry things got sticky with your s. I'm seeing crazy things with s10 so hopefully I can nip it in the butt before he goes and gets in big trouble.

Take care!

[Silent Chrleader]

I swear, just when I think I am getting a hold on things, life throws in another curve ball!

H called me today to let me know that he got an e-mail with copies of stuff off S17's my space page. S17 appears to still be going further down the road toward substance abuse and other stuff. He was doing a lot of talk about drinking, and how great his party was (the one where our house was trashed and about $10k of stuff was stolen). Of course I had to ask who sent H the e-mail (although I already knew). It was from the "ex" OW (i.e. H's ex secretary). She apparently is still on S17's "friends" list (and he probably forgot she was there). So, H says she e-mailed him out of concern for S17.

H had C with S17 already planned today, so he talked to C about it and we have decided that S17 is going to enroll in "off campus" school (i.e. home school through the district), and S17 is going to where H works every day to work on it under the supervision of H and "his crew". S17 will get up and leave with me in the morning and come back with me on the ferry at night. We are going to do this for 6 months, and assuming he does OK and proves his commitment to make changes in his life and earn back our trust, in September he will enroll back in the high school to finish up his diploma. I had actually suggested this option before, but H wasn't agreeable to it at the time. But now H seems to really be trying to do his best to step up to the plate.......but the truth is, S17 has to do it. We can't do it for him. We are really into the tough love mode now, and we are both very worried for our son.

H did not want to tell S17 about the OW having access to his my space, because he doesn't want to lose that conduit to this "inside information", because S17 has proven that he is very prolific liar. But, we would have liked to confront him with what we knew too. Well, when I got home tonight, I found that S17 had left his my space up on our computer, so I called H and told him this. So, when H brought S17 home, we confronted him with the info on the my space, and I got to play the "bad guy" that invaded his privacy. That was a very hard pill to swallow to loose some of my son's trust, in order to maintain the ability for the OW to have access to his page, but I felt like I had to. My son is on a road leading to a very bad place, and we feel that if we can't wake him up soon........well, I don't want to think about it.

After our talk with S17, I spoke briefly with H on the porch. I got teary and he told me I had to maintain strength in front of S17. I know this. I asked him where he thought we went so wrong with our kids. He just shook his head. I said I wished I could turn my feelings off like he seems to be able to. He said he couldn't turn off his feeling for S17 at all, so I said that I wish I could "fake it" as well as he does. He told me that he loved S and felt like this may be our last chance to "save" our son, and he had tears in his eyes. I told him that I really appreciated the effort he was now putting into S and I thought that it was important to S even if he didn't show it. I then asked if I could have a hug and he said "You always want hugs!", but he gave me one anyway.

I know I back-slid in asking where H got the e-mail, and then scoffing at the idea that she sent it to H "out of the goodness of her altruistic heart"..... And another backslide in the asking for a hug......but right now, I don't really care all that much. I am not looking win my H back. I just want my son to be OK.

And, on the silver lining side of things, my D24 got her school grants! So, she is now enrolled in the local community college to get her pre-requisites in nursing!! Who knows? Maybe I will have her in one of my classes if I continue in that direction too. And she still has her job!! WooHoo!! I told H about this too. He is pleased for her, but it's so sad that he really has no connection emotionally with her any more. D24 won't even speak to him and blames him for all the worlds wrongs! And H has just washed his hands of her. {I think because he feels like a failure with her because he never understood her}.

J still hasn't called. I don't know what to think of that. He said really wonderful touching things in his e-mails a few weeks ago, and last week in our phone conversation, but then.....nothing!! Very strange, and I admit it hurts. He made me feel some things that I hadn't felt in a very long time (even before my H left). And it felt very good! But, then to just drop off the face of the earth......Well, lets just say that I'm feeling pretty darned unappreciated right now........

So......if my pattern holds true, I'm due for another upswing on this rollercoaster ride called "Life".......maybe tomorrow I'll find that I've won the lottery!!!.......Oh, but I think I would have to actually play the lotter to win it.....

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, MIP!!

Thanks for stopping by! I wish my S17 were 10 again! They still listen to you at least a little bit then!

I'm going to bed.......that 5am alarm comes to darn early!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[dl443322]

Hey my friend, first things first, its great that you and your h are working on helping your son. Keep both eyes and ears open at all times, knowledge is power.

As far as your backslides, you are still early into this so give yourself a break. I am almost 2 years into it and I was still asking for hugs a month ago. So, dust yourself off and get back to dbing.

Great news about your daughter! Its too bad her dad is not in her life right now. It is something I know he will one day regret.

As far as J, try not to take it too personally. Who knows what is going on in his life.

You are doing great! I am so proud of you for taking that class and seeing where it goes.

Dont blame yourself for your child ren's troubles. They have their own journeys to take and sometimes the road has some curves.

The fact that you are a wonderful, compassionate, caring Mom shows through in your posts. Dont be so hard on yourself.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, BM, as always for your encouraging support.

Today, H stayed home from work and took S to get signed up for the off campus program. There is a short wait list, but H filled out all the forms and made a pitch for them to take S because he's already enrolled with the district. Everything was OK, until........

The last two hours everything went straight to he**! I don't want to go into a long disertation so I'll try to just hit the hi-lites......(yeah, right!)

-H was here at my apartment to do some work on the computer, when in walks my brother.......drunk! They argue and Bro takes H to task on some of his recent life actions, which doesn't go over well.......

-H calls my Mom and tells her to come and get Bro because he is not to be around S17 while drinking.

-Mom doesn't come and get bro, but instead comes in and reads bro the riot act and tells him she is "not offering a flop house for drunks" and she is "done" with him.........and leaves him here at my apartment, and calls me to tell me he's here.....

- I call bro at my apartment and he is obviously completely smashed. He says he came to my place because it was "closest" and he shouldn't drive drunk.... I tell him this is absolutely not OK.....

-I call H to see what his version is because I am now in the position of having to kick my drunken bro out on the street. Our conversation is not pleasant. He tells me I'm an "enabler" (which is true, but I've been working on that!) and I tell him that this, and remind him that I had "enabled" him an awful lot in the past (H replies that's probably true). Anyway, H says he will call my Mom back and tell her to come and get bro. I tell him thanks, but I will handle it. [Showing my new strength! ]

- I call Mom and tell her she has to get bro and take him to a shelter or something if she is "kicking him out". I tell her I have enough to deal with with my own juvenile delinquent child! Mom refuses and says bro came to my place on his own, so not her problem. She's done.

- I then call my apartment and tell bro that I felt I had been very clear on my expectations of him in not drinking when he came around, and I'm sorry and love him, but to please leave my home. I don't want my son around it. He hangs up on me. I call back and talk to S17 and tell him to get apartment key from bro (which I didn't know he had because S17 had allowed bro to make a copy of his!) [Bro has a history of doing stuff like this]

- I then call H back and tell him status. We then start talking about how the day went and H tells me S17 has told him stuff like I don't cook (I usually don't because I don't eat in the evenings anymore, and S17 usually has had something for himself before I get home). But, H says that S17 has also said I always make him do dishes, and laundry, etc......not true, but S17 is trying to "win sympathy points" with H and these are the "buttons" H had in our marriage (I was never the "wifey" he thought I should be and I dug my heels in and refused to meet his demands because I thought he wouldn't respect me....) Anyway, H is basically saying "See you haven't changed." and that pisses me off and I say I'm tired of being the only person in this family that thinks about someone other than themselves! H basically cuts me off and hangs up.

- H actually calls to tell me he did not mean to upset me further, but he just thought I should know what S17 thought of me.......so it's one of those sort of backhanded apologies. Then I say I may want to tell S17 how we really found out about his my space page (i.e. OW) because I don't like it that she is H's "spy", and I tell him she is only doing it to feel important and stir up crap, and H defends her........and then I really lose it and tell him what I really think of that woman and how S17 has told me she has bad mouthed me in front of my kids and H and she was nothing but a home wrecking slut........I won't go into what else I said.....not pretty........but before we hang up I do tell him thank you for the apology, and for the effort he put in with S17.....

- On the bus ride to the park-n-ride, I find out that my Mom took bro back to her house.......so, I actually walked in to a blissfully quiet home.

- I guess my bro is back to not talking to me.....

OK, I'm ready for the next "up" in this rollercoaster now!!!!

[glamgirl]

Oh my gosh what a ride for you today. The end of your post made me laugh, so forgive me for that. It just reminded me of some of the nasty convos I had with my h telling him what I really thought of him.

I am so glad those convos like that are done for me. They got me no where and probably did more harm than good, but I said what I felt just like you did today.

Rest up girl, for the next adventure!

[dl443322]

Hey S, ok, first of all, there was nothing you could do about your brother from work, so you probably should have just let h and mother handle it. Change the locks if you must.

Second, why is your h even telli ng you what your son said. And what is wrong with your son having to do some chores? I do not cook anymore either because my s either makes something for himself or gets something out- so your h needs to chill and tell s that if he has a problem with you, he is a young man and needs to talk to you about it. H should have said, please do not talk about your mother to me.

While I understand about you being upset that ow sees your son's myspace, you should not get involved. Try not to engage in verbal back and forth with your h. He is not hearing you and you are just spinning your wheels.

[sandycay]

Well, that p*sses me off ...him getting in your kitchen about Z having to do chores or make dinner lets see. He is not working, going to school, taking stuff that doesn't belong to him and he is almost a legal adult..... T works everyday commutes forever to do it and she should put dinner on the table too everynight? Please I just want to pinch his head off and D should have told him .... yea it's a bummer that you have to do your laundry with soap and water and clothes we pay for and you have to make food that we provide for you and the only pay we get is lies and deceit. Way to back mom up......ok vent over

Gosh T I think your terrible for asking for him to help. I mean my 14 yr old does laundry, can cook , clean the bathroom, vacum the floor.... uummm these are life skills every one needs to do, unless you are privledged to have maid.

I miss you and our coffees.... hopefully I will be recovered soon!